I threw a temper tantrum last night. Screaming, hitting, yelling, crying, everything. I could’ve competed with a terrible-two’s two year old.
It was a rough day. I had been awake and going since 5am. I didn’t do so hot in my workout that morning and then I was headed to work all day. But, I treated myself to a venti mocha from Starbucks and was so ready and determined to have a great day!
And then he walked into the restaurant and following him was his fiancé. I knew that this day might come but hoped and prayed that he would have the common decency not to come to my restaurant. He was the one that I was supposed to marry last August. He was the one who shattered my heart a year ago. He left me in February, started dating her in October, and they got engaged on New Year’s Eve with a wedding to plan for 2015. That’s the short version. :)
While I am upset that they chose my restaurant to eat at when there are at least seven other restaurants within a two block radius, I’m more upset with myself. I’m upset because I should be better than this. I should have had the strength to serve them with a smile and love the poop out of them like the amazing Christian woman that I should be. I should have love flowing out of my fingertips and sparks of grace flying out from every step I take. I should be over it by now. I should be happy for them. I shouldn’t be angry or upset or so affected by seeing them today. I should have done better in my workout this morning. I should have been a better person so that he would have stayed with me. I should have, I should have, I should have.
But I didn’t. I didn’t do any of those things. And I didn’t have nice words come out of my mouth or a pleasant look on my face for most of the day. I didn’t handle it very well, in my own opinion. I had a coworker take their table and I sulked around for the majority of the day. And then I threw a pretty big temper tantrum that started in the parking lot after work and ended when I needed to breathe while brushing my teeth at home. I yelled. A lot. I yelled at God. I said, "GOD, I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!". And it was then that God whispered, “You CAN do this. You can do anything with Me. I’m not going anywhere. I will use this. I see you. I hear you.”.
Even when I feel so silly and so incredibly frustrated for crying over this for the millionth time, God is so patient with me. He is so faithful, so patient, so kind, so loving, so the opposite of me. Even though I didn’t gracefully and lovingly serve my literal enemies, God still loves me. God will still use me and He will still be faithful. And that’s what grace is.
After a night of laying it all out on the table and yelling and screaming and being honest with Him, I woke up this morning and it felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Today was a better day. I’m so thankful for God and for His love for me and His patience with me. God, you are the bomb diggity.
- 31Women (Emma)