To understand why some patients’ asses spontaneously burst into flame on the operating table, you have to understand a few things about the tools surgeons use. You wouldn’t think that the doctor would, say, whip out a blowtorch to repair an artery — after all, you’re not a cyborg (yet). But they do have something similar — electrosurgical equipment, such as diathermy, use electric heat to cauterize blood vessels and prevent blood from spurting across the room. And under the right conditions, that shit can totally start a fire.

The 5 Most Common Safety Devices That Can Kill You Violently

Fart goggles
  • Luke:[age 10] "You know what the world needs? Fart goggles."
  • Me:"Fart goggles?"
  • Luke:"Fart goggles. They're goggles that let you see farts, in the air."
  • Me:"Why on earth would you want that?!"
  • Luke:"That way, you can stay away from farts. It would be even better if it could show you traces of farts on people, ahead of time, so you could avoid them. And it should have a 10-mile warning range."
  • Me:"That's an improvement from 'you smelt it, you dealt it,' I suppose."
  • Luke:"It's for personal safety, Dad. You can never be too careful with farts."

Click play for hilarious flaming beefs (to help ease the pain)!

7 Horrors of Ferguson Policing (Made Less Awful With Farts)

#7. The Police Never Filed an Incident Report for the Shooting of Michael Brown

After many days of putting off the report’s release, the Ferguson police have since admitted to never even filing one. Incident reports are incredibly important (and required), and they should ideally be written within 24 hours of the incident (for hopefully obvious reasons). But they didn’t even write one. Isn’t that fucking coo-coo bananas, y’all? I guess they either just never got around to it or never got around to wanting to tell the truth about it. Either way, there’s that.

Or there that is not, I guess.

Read More