farareushrieks

THE THING ABOUT JUPITER ASCENDING

I FIGURED OUT WHY IT’S SO TERRIBLE AND YET SO FULL OF REDEEMING QUALITIES [in my eyes, of course]

It’s because it’s written like a first draft. The movie LITERALLY feels like every first draft of my first few novels - characters appearing for a few scenes before being totally forgotten, subplots being abandoned, information being added without proper foreshadowing. 

BUT, like all first drafts, there are those few WONDERFUL moments that usually make the writer pick it up at the end and say “this has potential. I’m excited to make it better”

………..except, they didn’t. It’s like they wrote the first draft, mailed it off to the director, threw a hundred thousand dollars at him, and never interacted with him again. 

Jupiter Ascending is a $100,000 gorgeously costumed, cast, animated, and post-productioned FIRST DRAFT. and that is why it’s a beautiful train wreck, and why I cannot hate it no matter how bad it is at times.

ya’ll can blame vamosqueriendomasymas [X] and upperstories for this abomination

i hate both of you for doing this to me

—-

Manolo stared blankly at the mirror. His reflection looked back at him, face smooth, clean-shaven, but creased slightly between the eyebrows. Eyes with a hint of dark circles, wider than usual and darting about like spooked birds as he studied his own face, looking for a hint of encouragement, a sign of some reserve of strength left untapped.

He found none.

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did i ever make a post about how Stinger has a bee-power akin to Caine’s heightened sense of smell

because he does - he has the ability to percieve actions in slow-motion and react more quickly to things. When we first see him and Caine throws a punch at him it goes into slow-mo for a second before Stinger counters. Later, when they’re fighting through the warhammers, there’s a moment where his eyes flash yellow and time slows down right before he avoids a bunch of them coming at him

not only does stinger HAVE side effects of his splicing with a bee [which i thought he didn’t, as a plot hole - like, WHY would someone splice a human if there weren’t going to be desirable side-effects] but the side effect is the whole reason they’re able to break through the warhammers and save jupiter from marrying Titus, AND TO BOOT it’s also properly foreshadowed!!! 

tldr jupiter ascending is far from perfect but man, there really aren’t as many gaping plot holes as it seems at first

OH MY HECK I JUST REALISED WHY JOAQUIN GIVES MANOLO THE MEDAL AT THE END

HE THOUGHT THEY WERE BOTH GOING TO GET STUCK UNDER THE BELL. THAT’S WHY HE TOLD HIM TO KICK DOWN THE COLUMN.

HE THOUGHT IF ONE OF THEM WAS GOING TO LIVE THROUGH IT, IT HAD BETTER BE MANOLO

IT FINALLY MAKES SENSE

it’s getting to the point where I understand enough spanish that I feel a little bad because hispanic people stand around speaking spanish and i understand what they’re saying and they don’t know that I do and it feels kinda SNEAKY

it’s not like they’re talking about anything important but still

i heard revving engines from a car in the parking lot and i was like “i bet he thinks he’s so cool” and then he actually drove past me in a sweet muscle car and i was like “okay you win this round”