This was my thought today as I hit start on the Couch to 5k app on my phone. Even though I have let myself get out of shape and fat, by starting a plan I was admitting that I had failed. If I never started again I could stay in denial about the whole thing, but by clicking go I was admitting that I was light years away from what I was capable of doing just a little while ago. It’s depressing to think that I had let myself go from running marathons and doing Ironmans to the point where I needed to follow a 5k plan.
I thought about all the people I know, including myself and Ben, that have been in shape/lost weight and for whatever reason they regressed. Stopped working out, gained weight, let life get in the way, etc. When this happens, at least for me, I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m admitting it was to hard or tough to keep doing. I also know that for me to get back to where I want to be, I am going to have to climb that big #$*&ing mountain again, and that is depressing.
This next thought is really hard to convey in words, but I think most people in my situation will understand exactly what I am talking about. The first time I decided to get in shape and lose weight it was ok because even though I was fat, I was taking control and doing something about it. People looked at me and thought “hey, that dude is getting his crap together and getting in shape. Great job man.” But now that I have done that and gotten into great shape, but lost it, now I feel like people think “that dude got in great shape and now he’s fat again. What a failure.” I also think this is one of the reasons some people have deactivated their fitness tumblrs. They have gained some weight, lost some fitness and it is easier to just stop tumbling than to start all over.
People can say that the number on the scale doesn’t define you, it is your kindness, how you treat people, etc. and I understand that. But I think that line of thinking is more when the weight is close to your goal. For example when I weighed 225, but wanted to weigh 220, I didn’t let those 5 pounds impact my outlook on life. But when I am way overweight, and feel uncomfortable in my own skin and clothes, or around other people, that number on the scale does have a big impact.
These were some of the jumbled thoughts I had on my run today. The sunshine and beautiful weather was just what I needed.