Things We Don't Talk About
How hard it is to be a sexworker and be in a relationship at the same time. I’ve had a lot of things on my mind lately. This post will probably be a jumbled mess but sometimes I feel like a ping-pong ball.
The night I had the party, I really freaked Korean out. It was really foolish and selfish of me, but I sent him an email with my location because I was a bit concerned. I wanted someone to know where I was. He got really upset with me. When we were first together, sexwork was a novelty and he wanted to know more about it. But now, I just feel like it’s this poison in our relationship.
And I can’t be mad because I know it’s hard. I know he knows it’s work but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m having sex with other people. He’s been more understanding that most men would ever be. He has supported me through all of this. We each have a lot of stressful things going on and this is just one more fucking thing. It hurts me so badly to see him upset. But at the same time, it’s like suicide almost. To tear this other person out of me and kill it, it’s so hard. She and I have been one for so long now that we are intertwined.
I’ve told him a few times over this summer that I would quit if he wanted me to. He always rebuts with “well, I love you as you are and you should not take me into account when making these decisions”. However, I can’t keep dealing with these moments where we don’t see eye to eye about my work. It tears me up. Maybe it was foolish of me to think I could have my cake and eat it too.
I’m scared to give up the money, to let it all go, especially when I’ve built something so successful. But then I think of times he and I are together. On the 4th of July we sat in the park, cuddled together on the blanket, waiting expectantly for the sun to dip below the horizon. We watched in delight as the dark sky blazed with color, our body heat keeping us warm, hand in hand.
And sometimes I wake up early, his big body next to mine, chest rising and falling softly with each breath, such a handsome profile. Then he’ll awake, turning towards me. His eyes are sleepy, a slight smile curling his lips. And I wish I could crystallize that moment, to live in it forever.
And I think “how could I not give up everything for this?”