"She goes to clean a cup, so I can have a drink of water. With my eyes closed, I see what I can only describe as a slot machine, infinitely long and tall, that adjusts in perspective according to my heads actual position. On the face of each is a picture of myself in a different emotion or physical state. Whichever picture is located in the center of my range of vision is the emotion I feel fully, but the slot machine is cycling at such an alarming rate that I am feeling what I estimate to be 10 emotions every second. My facial muscles work to accommodate each emotion, and I essentially lose control of my face. I feel extreme pain, followed by extreme euphoria for a millisecond each. I feel, essentially, everything at once. Finally, the slot machine rests on a single face: Madness. It is a picture of myself in green, clawing at my eyes. I realize what is going to happen: When the machine adds the sum total of all I’ve been, I will be defined, and I will die.
Some scientists speculate that since the universe exploded from an infinitely powerful singularity, the gravitational field may one day become too weak to sustain this expansion, and the universe will start to gravitate inwards, and collide into another singularity, possibly to restart the entire process anew. I see every human consciousness as analogous to the big bang. Throughout our experience as humans, we become more and more complex and organized from our embryonic states, to the point that we grow up and start integrating concepts into patterns of thought, behavior, emotion, just as the universe organized into clusters of planets and stars, comets, black holes, etc., As I am running from the bedroom to the living room to find V., all the concepts and truths I accept, regarding nature, matter, humanity, sociology, biology, philosophy, art, start to rapidly compute into analogies, which physically connect to one another.
Everything subjective, everything regarding the self (my emotions, dreams, etc.,) become the earth, and all my perceptions regarding the external world are the stars. And the entire universe is folding in on itself, and I am simply not ready for whatever happens after it. I feel like I will have completed life, solved the puzzle. It was as if I have seen every part, or almost every part, through my observations, and how they fit together, so I was worthy to view the gestalt, the whole form, one singularity. And I thought: “No one would be allowed back from seeing that, because you must be outside of that form in order to view it.” I thought of what V. said, “It would be like nothing ever happened.” I thought I would die, for sure, but I also thought I might be reincarnated, (maybe due to her statement “when you wake up”) or simply exhiled somewhere away from this world that I know and love. I didn’t think a living person is allowed to see what’s on the other side of the end of the universe. “
"At the hospital, I am diagnosed with a brain hemorrhage, a fractured nasal bone, a bruised rib, and tons of lacerations all over my feet and body. For 2 days I am in the ICU, and spend another 4 altogether. They were extremely close to having to drill into my head to relieve the pressure, but thankfully they never did, and I survive without any enduring injuries. "
Personas interesantes + psicoactivos = experiencias fascinantes.