As promised, after the post that encouraged us all to look at our health behaviors practically, now we are back to the soul-stuff. This post deals with examining your women’s health problems with an eye to
The possibility of past-life influences and rejection of the “feminine”:
In my late-twenties, I started becoming acutely aware of a relatively recent, violent past life wherein, during my adolescence as that other person, my femininity was not only exploited, but it also came under attack in a whole bunch of ways, in a series of ugly events that caused “me” a lot of grief, guilt, and both private and public shame.
Suddenly — once the past life came to light — many of the health problems (the hemorrhaging, the pain) and annoyances (the localized mystery bruises, the benignly deformed breast) from my current life made more sense; I realized my body had been expressing some energy I was still carrying in my spirit from a much earlier time. And that I was still carrying it because I was still learning from and processing it. For reasons that were always ultimately meant to serve my spirit’s highest good.
As I’ve learned more about that lifetime and made peace with it (and with various characters from it with whom I had difficult karma), almost ALL of my old problems with my health — and even fears about myself as a woman — have disappeared.
Another thing that has changed throughout this period: I no longer see my body as “the enemy” or “a traitor.”
When I was younger and my hormones were off-kilter and the majority of my doctors’ suggestions were not helping, I felt totally out-of-control, helpless, and angry at my body for not “obeying” the norms I wanted it to obey, not functioning in a healthy way. I also felt defective and undesirable for this.
To give you some background: I was a total tomboy when I was younger, and there is nothing defective or undesirable about being a tomboy, but, in truth, I would’ve actually loved to be able to enjoy being a “girl” or a “woman” in a “conventional” sense, to play with those stereotyped images on my own terms, in a way that felt right for me; I sensed a certain power in embracing — and playing up — my own raw feminine energies without shame… but I felt a lot of guilt over so much as wanting or caring about this. What I came to realize was that I didn’t feel safe embracing my (version of how I personally wanted to express) “femininity.”
Between society-wide victim-blaming perspectives on sexual assault, my own history with various sexual assaults and stalking episodes, and even the feminine-shaming fears I’d absorbed from society that caring about my own hair, makeup, fashion, or body shape was “petty” and therefore, “bad” — I didn’t feel safe or valid in being a woman.
Or acting/dressing like the kind of woman I wanted to be.
In other words, I was rejecting my own feminine energies.
Of course it must not be forgotten: each of us defines what the feminine is! There is no single way to be “feminine,” nor do we all need to embrace whatever we do perceive as feminine. Gender is performed, and it is healthiest for us to be able to embrace and express whatever most draws us, whatever resonates most with what we feel within ourselves. In my own case, however, there was a conflict between wanting to be more (what I perceived to be) conventionally feminine in appearance and demeanor than I currently was, versus my own rejection of this very feminine identity for fears that embracing it would render me vain, dangerously vulnerable, and so on.
In light of all of this, looking back on my health problems at the time, I don’t find it odd that my body was rebelling. What was biologically “female” about me was resisting healthy function (manifesting in all sorts of renegade imbalance), because I was resisting being a woman (as I thought “women” and their realities were defined).
(And for the record, I didn’t “swing” very far in one direction or another; for a number of years, people have repeatedly remarked — even non-energy-aware people — that I “have a strong balance of masculine and feminine” about me. So what changed most profoundly, perhaps, was not so much what kind of “woman” I was, but how accepting and empowered I felt about being one.)
Messages from the outside can have a similar effect; if individuals in your life or even just your social milieu overall are sending messages that some aspect of your gendered self is “not okay,” don’t you think it’s conceivable that your sex hormones — and everything they control — might throw themselves out of whack in order to get your attention?
If anyone ever made you feel it was “not okay” or otherwise “unsafe” to embrace, embody, or celebrate some aspect of your “woman” identity or your feminine energies, and you internalized the attack, your body is quite likely still trying to get you to notice so you can work through the wound and embrace with an open heart your fullest and truest expression of self once again.
If you have past-life stuff factoring into your relationship to your gendered/sexual energies, these will become apparent if they need to; there’s no need for you to make an obsessive quest of figuring out what might’ve happened to a former you, in another century. You can keep your focus on the now (since everything is manifesting in the now anyway) and still experience healing. I mention the possibility of past-life influences, however, because this may be helpful for those of us who have had female health problems or hormonal imbalances that preceded any memorable traumas in our current lives. Reflect on and examine the possible “messages” behind your health issues as best you can, and if no answers come, remind yourself that maybe the roots lie somewhere else — and just accept that and forgive your body for its current imbalances.
In fact, thank your body, because it is both vehicle and messenger for your spirit. It is teaching you, and it is guiding your own healing process.
From here, further posts will delve deeper into healing exercises you can try and possible avenues of self-exploration.