Hi person! First thing’s first: you need a dose of baby animals*:
*it’s scientifically proven that viewing images of baby animals triggers the release of dopamine and endorphins in our brain, which instantly improves our mood and mindset. LOOK AT THEM.
Abuse is a monster that seeks out the strongest warriors and tries to crack them, but abuse is nothing but a nightmarish figment that presents itself as a scar. That scar may be where an open wound was, but it’s sealed now, and even if it’s always there, it’s not going to harm you. Looking at it might hurt, but if it does you’re looking at the scar and seeing the pain of when it was an open wound, and that’s not the right perspective to have if you want to move on. Look at the scar as a sign that you can heal, that things can change, that it’s a sign of what you survived, and a reminder of what you can endure and grow from.
You are healing absolutely fucking wonderfully and you are a huge inspiration already. Do not blame yourself for slipping into those moments of self sabotage. It happens to everyone in varying degrees, but I think it is especially vicious for people who were emotionally abused because it became a pattern for them to view themselves as a problem. I know I struggle with it after a tumultuous decade of living at home and being the source of so much anger and conflict, without understanding why or how to change it- when people you love and trust try and correct you just by flipping a fucking shit every time you do or say something they don’t like, it doesn’t help you correct yourself it circumvents you finding how to do the right thing and just goes straight to making you scared and angry at yourself. It’s a bad pattern and patterns can be hard to break, but they can be broken and especially for people who do things habitually (negative thoughts are a habit, remember that) it is actually good news because this means that new patterns can be formed and eventually they will take over your instincts when it comes to the usual thoughts you have when faced with a challenge or a conflict or hurt feelings.
You will re-train yourself to react to your triggers in new ways that aren’t “You’re a loser, you can’t do this, you’re not special…”, but “This sucks but fuck it, I’m strong and I can do this.” It helps to really give yourself time to do things that you enjoy doing and are (or could be) good at. Surround yourself with people who have good hearts and make you laugh and like you for you (they are EVERYWHERE, you just need to open yourself up to them, which is scary, but it pays off more than it would hurt you). Put up photos of people or even characters who you find inspirational or strong that you see some of yourself in- remind yourself that you are strong and capable enough to do exactly what you want in this life, including finding your happiness and better coping with your past.
Nothing will ever magically erase our painful memories, but there is a beautiful quote I live by: “It hurts because it mattered”. What we go through is out of our control and it changes us, but if it changes us for the better or worse is ultimately in our hands. Our perspective is all we have in our individual realities, so if you work on seeing yourself and your past as benchmarks for your own strength, and your good heart and willingness to get better as an amazingly beautiful quality, you will pick up the habit of flipping the negative into a positive, and that’s how we heal and improve and move on. It is a slow process, but like all things in life, good things come to those who wait and nothing good comes easy. All you have to do to ensure that in 10 years time you look back at this day and think “I don’t even remember what it was like being that person” is daily reminders to see the positive in your experiences and to remind yourself of how strong you are and how much you have now because of what you endured that others don’t. You have wisdom, you have experience, you have power.