I know it’s been quite a while since I did an update on how the Egrifta process has been going. Really, I guess that’s because I’ve been feeling as though I’m moving beyond it all.
I am not seeing the results I was hoping to have had by now, and honestly I’m just tired of the process. I’m sick of stabbing myself with a needle every day, I’m sick of psyching myself up for the process, and I’m sick of hoping and praying that it’s gonna work.
Over the last few weeks or so, I’ve had sort of an epiphany about the whole thing. I mean, I have kinda come to accept that this may always be my body now. I am no means in love with that idea yet, but I think I’m getting there.
I still have a lot of bad days, especially when I’m around girls I think are prettier than me, but I’m having far less of them than I was just a month ago. And I still have a really hard time looking at photos of myself from two years ago, but I have found myself looking into the mirror and being a lot more confident in myself than I have been since the lipo kicked in.
Really, I think I’m developing a real sense of apathy to whether or not I look the way I used to or not. I mean, we all get older. All of our bodies change, but there is beauty in that. There is beauty in the people we become, with the wisdom we acquire. We aren’t the same people that we were just five years ago, why should we look that way either?
And I think it has helped a lot that I have started following a lot of body positive blogs lately. It makes me feel a lot less alone to know that other people struggle with similar issues. They might not be caused by the same things, but at our core we all just want to love ourselves for the beautiful, sexy, and miraculous beasts that we are, and goddamnit if we shouldn’t.
There is no shame in the way my body looks. My body is a fucking survivor. So what if I have a chin like a bullfrog, or if I’ve got the belly of a beer guzzler? That’s not my fault, and it’s part of the way my body continues to survive. Fuck all the noise I’ve been listening to about that not being good enough. That’s more than good enough - that’s perfect.
I have a man who loves me and finds me sexy still. I have two animals that make me laugh every day and fill my heart with joy. I have a brother who teases me and brings me food I love. I have a gift for words that makes me feel like the most important person on the planet. I have a book I am pouring my heart and soul into. I am learning to draw and that makes me smile. I have laughter and joy and love and passion inside of me, and that’s what really matters. I’m beginning to understand that now.
So yeah, I don’t care so much anymore if the Egrifta diminishes the lipodystrophy. Sure, it would be nice, but there are much more important things for me to focus my energy on than my fat deposits.