As usual, I won’t delve too much into the actual match between West Ham and Liverpool since we all watched it and all experienced the pain of getting beaten by a team with Stewart Downing in it, the kind of pain which lasts forever. It was a woeful game, one that makes you wake up in the middle of the night and cry over a bowl of Fruit Loops as you try to push the image of Big Sam rubbing his nipples out of your head.
Yes, it was that bad.
There was only one Liverpool player on the pitch who actually had a good game and you can probably guess who it is. Raheem Sterling probably felt like the Brain whenever Pinky fucked everything up. His goal was good, but the memes that came out of it because of Mario Balotelli were probably even better.
Everyone else was pretty much shit. Fabio Borini thought he was the jock in a John Hughes film. I admired his desire to stay at the club, but he’s not good enough for Liverpool. Simple as that. Balotelli needed to be paired up with a pacey striker so he wouldn’t roam around without a purpose like a fucking neanderthal and Lucas should’ve been sold ages ago.
An actual photo of Liverpool during the match.
Above all, Liverpool’s biggest issues were in goal, defense, and Steven Gerrard. In our recent games, Simon Mignolet has decided to play without a brain or maybe he’s just acting like a kid thinking he’s Manuel Neuer. Mignolet can turn the simplest of crosses into a goal scoring chance by coming off his line like the sweeper keeper he will never be. I hope that Liverpool are working to sign Victor Valdes on a free, because Mignolet does shit that not even a goalkeeper in a youth league would do. He makes me shit myself every time he looks at the ball, because some way, somehow, he’s gonna fuck it up. It’s too early for me to say for sure, but maybe telling Mignolet to fuck off next summer would be a smart choice. Asmir Begović would be pretty awesome.
We have good players in our defense, but they just can’t communicate. It’s like they’re all speaking different languages…languages that actually don’t even exist. I mean, one of our center backs almost gave the other a fucking concussion. It would actually be really awesome if Brendan Rodgers called up Jose Mourinho for some defense tips, because he doesn’t have a fucking clue. Setting up to play defensively isn’t as easy as he thinks it is.
And Steven Gerrard was as far away from Steven Gerrard as Steven Gerrard could possibly get. There are two reasons for this: his limits and his mentality. At 34 years old, Gerrard shouldn’t be playing the full 90 minutes of three games in one week. That’s like trying to study for all of your final exams the day before you take them. His head also hasn’t been in the right place ever since The Slip. I’m actually beginning to wonder if he can ever put it behind him and, to be honest, I can’t blame him if he can’t. However, I’m not going to blame Gerrard or Mignolet or even our defense for today’s loss.
I am going to blame Brendan Rodgers. Well, let’s use criticize because it sounds a bit nicer and I don’t want people to be throwing the “#RODGERSOUT!” hashtag at me. Today, Liverpool had lost their identity. It was like watching that episode of SpongeBob where he loses his identity, but just with a lot more Stewart Downing. Last season, you knew how we would line up, what formation we would use, and how we would play.
This season, all of this is a mystery. Since the start of the season, we must have played at least 8,000 different fucking formations, with all kinds of shapes and numbers when it’s clear that the diamond formation is the one that suits us best. When we do go back to the diamond, we end up playing exceptionally better. OMG IS DAT A COINCIDENCE!?!?!? No, it fucking isn’t.
Rodgers’ biggest flaw is his pride. He wants to take this club to the top all by himself. He fucking shouldn’t. Rodgers needs coaches to help build this team, because he can’t do it all on his own. I’m talking about coaches who actually know how to do their fucking jobs. Rodgers himself needs to decide on a final formation (which is obvious), his best starting XI (which is also pretty obvious), and the tactics to use during a match. Today, Rodgers made some of his worst decisions. The formation, Borini starting over Markovic/Lambert, Lambert coming on when Markovic would have been much better, etc. It was a game of Battleship in which every hopeful hit became a miss.
We have failed to rectify any of our problems last season and now, with Suarez gone, we ultimately have no chance of winning this league as we can’t score a bazillion goals to make amends for our defensive fuck-ups.
Changes must be made as we prepare for Middlesbrough and Everton next week. Rest Gerrard, sort out that fucking defense in training, and try and get Daniel Sturridge back to 100% fitness. Set our sights on fourth and not first because there’s no way we’ll beat Chelsea or City if we keep being this shit. The only person who can fix this club is Rodgers, so let’s wait and see what he does.