God does funny things.
I remember the day so clearly, that it scares me. it scares me to know that days like that actually exist in this world. it scares me that it is considered normal to some people, and that every day people have to go through it.
It was a
normal morning. I went to Caribou with Sydney at 8:00. We met there almost every morning before school. I would get dropped off my by my brother. I would get my daily tea, and we would drive in her car to school. That morning, Maggie and Tillie were there, and they rushed up to us. We saw Cole outside in the parking lot pacing around the car. Maggie said that theres a rumor that something happened to Adam the previous night. We all just kinda shrugged it off, and even laughed. Adam was fine. He probably got grounded, and his phone was off. I kept looking at Cole though, he was just outside and walking in paths over and over again. The same one. Something hit me inside, but I shook it off and continued drinking my tea and chatting with my friends.
It was a
Sydney and I drove to school together, and didn’t even talk again about the rumor that something happened to Adam. We walked through the halls bouncing with happiness like we did not have a care in the world…like there was nothing to lose. Like we were invincible to anything. I walked to my locker, and there were all my friends. All with tears in their eyes, and I knew something was wrong. At the same time, they all turned around. In my gut, I knew something was wrong. I looked over to my left a few lockers behind and I saw the boys all together huddled around eachother. I dont think I have ever seen my friends look so lost, and so sad and so…so gone. Nobody was in their body that morning. Nobody knew what to do.
Adam was dead.
The night before, Adam and a few guys got caught smoking at a park. The police only arrested Adam, because he was the one with the marijuana physically on him. Once he got home that night….he himself decided it was time for him to leave this god forsaken earth.
Adam was gone.
The rest of that school day was a blur. It was the 17th of October. Kids swarmed around me and the only thing I could hear was my own heart beating out of my chest, and his voice. I could just hear Adam saying his typical quotes, that everybody laughed about. “Come on dude, youre fine!!!” “Come on haha lets do it!!”. So many come to mind. I never knew that so many phrases could mean so much, when at the time they just seemed like any old conversation.
I roamed the halls mostly alone for hours. I was so scared, and I did not believe any of it still. I was in the Cafeteria, when I saw my then best friend Molly walking slowly, alone, and by herself. When I got closer to her, I saw his sweatshirt. The one he left in her car, probably only days before. I wanted to say so much to her, but I couldn’t get anything out. Her best friend, her brother had gone to heaven, and nothing I could say would bring him back, or make her feel better.
Adam was gone.
The following days were honestly just a blur. The days got longer, and the nights seemed endless. When was Adam coming back? Why did he do this? What was going on in his mind? Answers that I or anyone else will ever get.
Adam was dead.
The wake occurred the following sunday. I remember walking in and there was a line to view Adam, and see his family 1000’s of feet long. So many people were there. I wish he was still alive to see how many cared for him, and wished he was still there. He was so important to so many people. I wish I told him that more often. Once I got to my turn, I remember hugging his Dad so tight, I really do not think i ever have hugged someone that much in my life. Then I saw him. There, Adam was. In his favorite baseball hat, and his signature polo. He had sunglasses on, because he donated his eyes to someone else who needed them. That is the kind of person Adam was. Was not even surprised that he did that. The person in that casket, did not look like one of my best friends. No, the person in the casket looked like a outer layer of someone who once was here on this earth, but is now with us in our souls forever. Who is now watching all of us way above in the skies. But the truth was that
Adam was gone, and he was not coming back.
The funeral was sad. What else would be expected. The hockey guys all wore their jerseys in remembrance of him. All of the people who were close to him, got to sit in the main chapel. There were so many people, that they had to set up rooms in the back with cameras so everyone could fit. I remember being in the 4th row…with all of our friends surrounding me. I felt so comforted, but at the same time so alone. So many questions still were racing through my head.
Adam was not here anymore on earth.
It has now been over two years, and this gapping Adam shaped hole in my heart has not closed up. It hasn’t gotten smaller…its gotten wider. And it continues to grow. The more people I come across in this lifetime of mine, the more I realize will not be anything like Adam. Nights seem longer. I still miss having someone to text at 2 in the morning, and asking them to come hang out with me in my fort. Someone I wouldnt be scared of wining to about something stupid, that everyone else would scowl at me for. I miss you Adam Stenhaug. I miss you 17. I miss you so much. I am so sorry…I am so so so sorry that I did not help you. I would do anything in the world to be able to have a chance to say my final goodbye to you. I love you, and i pray that you are up there in heaven looking down at all of us with love.
Adam is gone. But I will see him again.