a reminder

I am not a model. I am not a celebrity, or personal trainer or athlete. I do not have to fit any kind of mould.

my body is allowed to just be natural, at it’s happy place. there are no restraints placed upon my size.

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good morning world :)
I’m feeling super positive and excited for the holidays (which officially started on Friday!) and I’m planning just to spend it with my friends and try not to stress too much!

My addiction wasn’t drinking or drugs but hunger. I was addicted to feeling hungry, to feeling thinner, and in “control” of what happened to me. I was addicted to knowing how to manipulate my body into what I thought was right for me. I was addicted to ED.

I will no longer let my addictions rule my life. I choose to eat and be full, to gain weight if thats what my body needs, to lose control although I never truly had any to begin with.

I am in recovery from my addiction and I will not stop until I have gotten the REAL ME back. I will recover and I will be Happy.

recovery really isn’t easy today.

i’m so, so triggered. this morning, by my thighs rubbing together. this is stupid. most people’s thighs touch. so do mine, there’s nothing wrong with that. today, it felt wrong, and it made me feel sick an nauseus. 

then, walking alone, several slender girls passed me. usually I don’t get triggered by these sorts of things, but today was different. I felt fat, and I felt short and dumpy. STUPID, seeing as neither of these are true. i’m 5’8, so i’m certainly not short, and I know logically i’m not fat, but i’m so weak minded right now.

being triggered and not acting on the triggers is the most important thing. I feel like lapsing, but I will not cut, exercise, puke or skip.

Get off the scale! I have yet to see a scale that can tell you how enchanting your eyes are. I have yet to see a scale that can show you how wonderful your hair looks when the sun shines its glorious rays on it. I have yet to see a scale that can thank you for your compassion, sense of humor, and contagious smile. Get off the scale because I have yet to see one that can admire you for your perseverance when challenged in life.
—   Steve Maraboli

You know what? Anorexia is so fucking stupid. I can eat what I want. I’m human. My body needs this energy to repair the damage I did to it over the past three years. I’m not going to live forever. One day I will look at my life and regret how I spent so many of my teenage days sitting around and stressing about the amount of food I ate or exercise I did. I am so fed up with this stupid illness and I’m doing everything I can to recover from it. I am stronger than this. I can win.

i’m recovering for my health and my future but i’m also recovering 

  • to get my thick healthy hair back
  • so my skin is no longer cracked and dry and horrible and wrinkled 
  • so I can wear all my pretty clothes again 
  • so I can buy new clothes without feeling guilty 
  • so that I don’t have the body of a child 
  • so I have the freedom to choose when, where and what I want to eat 
  • so that I’m not on a meal plan for the rest of my life
  • so that I can be trusted again by others and by myself
  • so that I can be independent again 
  • so that my jewellery fits me again 
  • so that I feel like its worthwhile making an effort again to look after myself 
I think I've fully recovered!

We went to have fish and chips today for lunch, because there was a special on that you could get it for 99p! How cheap is that?! The fish was massive, so by the time I’d eaten all of that I was pretty full, but I ate a few chips because who doesn’t like chips! I stopped eating after that, not because ED said I’d eaten enough, but because I felt full. I didn’t keep eating because I “had” to, or because I didn’t have enough. I knew that in three hours it would be snack time and I could eat more if I was hungry. Then I did something I’ve wanted to do for weeks.. I weighed myself. Yes I kind of give in the ED, but I genuinely wanted to know if I’d maintained, and I had! Exactly the same weight as I was a month ago! I’m pretty certain I’m at my set point now. And the best thing is, even if I’d gained, I wouldn’t of cared. I’ve been eating more than my minimum most days, because I’m usually hungry in the night. But even though I’ve been eating an extra 500+ calories some days my weights exactly the same. I sometimes have bad body image days, but most of the time I feel pretty damn amazing! These are the reasons I think I may be fully recovered. I still have bad days, but I think I honestly stay I HAD anorexia, not I HAVE anorexia.

My experience with 3000 calories in anorexia recovery

I remember when I met my nutritionist for the first time. 
”Is it true that many people in recovery need 3000 calories?”
”Yes”, she answered.
I was surprised. 3000 calories. But isn’t 2000 calories the average intake? (No, it is not, even for a healthy person. Check out THIS. And for people in recovery - especially not. Check out THIS)
This was in late August, if I remember it correctly. I was told to start on 1200 calories, and then gradually increase. I did, but I panicked and fell back to my anorexia eating pattern.

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In mid-september, I tried again. I started on 1200, gradually increased my intake until I reached 2000. I gained a lot of weight, but most of this was food in my system and water retention. When I increased my intake, I randomly lost 2 kg. This was all water weight that my body let go of because it relaxed more.
When I hit 2000 calories, my weight gain stopped after a while. I increased to 2500, and gained 0.5 kg (around 1 lbs) weekly. It is also important to point out that during recovery I stayed sedentary, which means no exercise, just doing things such as moving around in the house and at school (which was a 3 minute walk from my house). I relaxed in my bed a lot.

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Then, after a while on 2500, my weight gain stopped. I was scared to reach the holy 3000 number, but when my weight stood still for 3-4 weigh ins, I had no choice. In december I gradually increased to 3000 calories. 
”If I gained like 5 kg (11 lbs) in 2 weeks (even though I lost 2 of them) on less than 2000 calories, I’ll probably be weight restored in a day or so on 3000 calories!”. Thats what I thought in early recovery. I was so wrong.
I gained on average 0.5 kg weekly, and got weight restored in March. This was also when I got my period back. I increased my intake of fats and carbs, ate less proteins and challenged my fear foods, skipped only eating clean and fell in love with chocolate again.
At one point, my psychologist encouraged me to go above 3000, so I could gain 1 kg (about 2,2 lbs) weekly. It took me half a year to get weight restored, and I honestly wish I had done it faster. Nevertheless, I actually ate 3200 some days because I mis-calculated the calories in rice, and I had some days in early recovery (when I ate 2000-2500 and gained 0.5 kg weekly on average) where I experienced extreme hunger (link) and ate thousands of calories.
I am not unique. My metabolism was never damaged, it was suppressed. No exercise and more food in recovery will not make you gain faster. Go for 2500-3000+ calories in recovery, I promise you that it will be worth it.

HERE is a text I wrote about why you need a lot of calories in recovery.

- Amalie

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