“You were my graduation day and my first day of summer. You were my 4th of July and my country concert weekend. You were my first of August and my last day in Washington. You were supposed to be my Halloween and my Thanksgiving. I wanted you to be my Christmas present and my New Years kiss. You were supposed to be all these things for me but you left and I’ve been so alone. Now days, you’re every tear and shot of vodka. You’ve turned into every panic attack and the pain in my chest since we last touched.
I don’t remember what your voice sounds like and that’s been really hard for me to deal with. I used to know your voice anywhere and now I cant think of how it sounds without playing a video of us at your cabin or the one of us laying in your bed at 3 in the afternoon.
I started to do better, I really did. I wasn’t fixed; it’s only been 6 months so no, I wasn’t totally fixed. I could think about you or us together and not cry. I could look at pictures without a knot in my throat but, I wasn’t fucking fixed. I still couldn’t get an A on my english paper without wanting to tell you just to hear you say, “I don’t understand why you want to be an english teacher but I love you anyway.” I got really embarrassingly drunk a couple times and you were always there. I hadn’t cried that hard in so long but it was because of you. I don’t remember most of it but I do remember saying, “I’m just so sad without him.” over and over and over again. You were still my drunk text, my 4am poems, and you were always my anxiety attack when I couldn’t get the G in my last name absolutely perfect.It was the first letter of your name too and it had to be perfect. You were always there.
You’ve contacted me a couple times in the past weeks and it takes me back to square one. I was getting better, Goddammit. I was getting so much better. I wasn’t fixed but It took me 6months to not choke on the memories of us and now I can’t look at my phone without dying to see your name on it. I’ve changed my picture back to you and I because I can’t stand not seeing you everyday. I’m sorry I shot back to square one. I promise I had been doing so much better.”
do you even know how much I miss you?