"get up, time for school!!" i heard my mother yell, jolting me from my sleep. I sighed heavily, slowly getting up while i felt like it. i dragged myself to the bathroom and did my morning routine then changed into an outfit with a color that matched my mood. a long black shirt that had an image of bob marley sprawled onto it, some shorts, HUF black and green marijuana socks and T.U.K. mondo suede creepers. putting on light eye makeup and a dark lipstick, i grabbed my bag, phone, and ID then headed towards the door. i was really craving some thing to eat but i knew i was gonna be late so i said fuck it and left.
when I got to school, i was already ready to go home. i had problems and people that i didn’t want to face, plus a test in my math and science class that i didn’t study for. sighing, i headed to class, wanting something to ease my raging headache and abundant nerves.
he always made me feel that way.
but i was gonna try hard to avoid him. I had a test next period that i had to study for and i couldn’t afford to get a bad grade. keeping my head down, i began to do the warm up.
out of pure curiosity and just being plain nosy, i turned a bit in my seat. he was in the far back with his boys, laughing loudly and slapping fives. he had a real light skin chick sitting on his lap and she was leaning towards him. her lips were covered in pink gloss and her long black weave was unfortunately on point. hell, her eyebrow game was viscous.
he was still laughing and i tried to look away but he’d turned slightly and our eyes met. i quickly looked to the front, cursing myself and biting the inside of my cheek. how did he get over us so quick?
and why did it hurt so much?
shaking my head, i turned towards the board to write down the question and eventually answer it in a neat two paragraphs, trying to keep my mind occupied. to push the feelings away. to ignore the pain in my chest and push back the miserable thoughts that begged to be noticed. i didn’t have time for feelings right now. fuck him. but my brain (and heart) still wouldn’t comply.
he was really over it? over everything?
he was my first kiss. I’ve always been a good girl who kept her grades up and didn’t do any drugs or participate in anything illegal. i always maintained a 4.0 average and i was never rude to any of my teachers or my mother. i attended church every Sunday and bible class when mama went. he was was a troublemaker. granted, he was sometimes quiet and he wasn’t completely bad. he made good grades and was nice to his teachers- well as nice as a teenage boy would be- and he didn’t really tease anyone. he was chill for the most part. he was popular and every girl wanted him, and he wasn’t innocent. he was a teenage boy; before we got together he fucked almost everything that had a vagina. it wasn’t a big secret either. he always dated ‘bad bitches’ but told me that he lowkey liked girls like me. the good girls. the type who were always quiet but were undercover freaks. i blushed when he said it because of this look he’d given me. i can still see it, his dark eyes were sparkling and i was always getting lost in them. he said I wasn’t a ‘bad bitch’; that it was disrespectful for anyone to call me that. he said i was beautiful.
we never got to sex which was a lowkey relief of mine since i was a virgin, but he did see me in my underwear. he’d come over and burst into my room. i was so embarrassed as he stood there with his mouth wide open and frozen in the middle of the room. I’d quickly grabbed my robe and covered myself, stammering for him to get out. he completely ignored my wishes and ventured deeper into the room until he was in front of me. he took my robe off and i let him, shaking a bit. he told me that my body was the most beautiful he’d ever seen and that i had curves out of this world. i blushed furiously, and when he left, i looked at myself in the mirror, taking in what he’d said to me.
i snapped out of the memories when the teacher began going over the questions. i cleared my throat and resisted the urge to look his way.
by the end of the day i was tired and ready to sleep off the constant thoughts and daydreams. going to my locker, i gathered my things. getting a bottled water from the schools machine, i walked towards the doors paying attention to my phone and ended up crashing into something. steadying myself, i looked up to apologize but he was smirking in my face.
my throat tightened and my eyes got wide and i cursed myself for my reaction when i saw his smirk grow wider.
"u been avoiding me." it wasn’t a question, it came out as a fact.
forcing myself to roll my eyes, i sighed. “get out of my way aubrey.”
he raised an eyebrow, coming closer. he was tall as ever- 6 feet and a couple of inches and i was only five-one. his giant build loomed over my small one, appearing slightly intimidating. his hair was black like oil and burst in rich curls that i admittedly wanted to run my hands through. his lips were a faint pink and his eyes were extremely dark and still alluring as ever. damn.
"what u mean, ‘get out of your way’?" he asked with a frown. "why are you avoiding me?"
"why are you acting like we’re still together? MOVE." i said sternly, pushing him and walking fast.
he scoffed, “you can’t avoid this forever. u can’t keep running away from ya feelings, onika.”
"u don’t know shit." i felt my arm being grabbed and i was spun around before i could blink.
"we need to talk about this." his voice was sharp and his face was serious.
i tugged at my arm, hoping he would budge. “no, we don’t. it’s done, okay? I’m fine and I’ve moved on, and it seems like you have too so just cut the bullshit and leave me the fuck alone aubrey,” i spat, yanking my arm away from him.
"what makes u think i moved on?" he asked, and i knew he was playing dumb.
"i don’t have time for this," i muttered and turned to go, but he shoved me on the wall and leaned close. i looked around to see some nosy bystanders watching us and i got a bit nervous. "aubrey, move!"
"what you gone do if i don’t?" he asked lowly, bending down to meet my eyes. "you not going home until we talk about it."
i scoffed, my eyebrows almost rocketing into my hairline. “who the hell do you think you are? you’re not my father!”
"onika do you really wanna make this harder for yourself? you know I’m not gonna stop ‘till i get what i want. I’m not afraid to cause a scene." i almost immediately stopped struggling, making him chuckle. he knew how much of an introvert i was, and getting attention to myself because of him was like suicide. all the girls would hate me and all the guys would try to get with me just because i was ‘his’. it already happened when we together and i didn’t need for it to happen again.
"fine." i muttered reluctantly, and he took my hand and let me to his car. this was gonna be a long afternoon.
when we walked inside his home, his momma was in the kitchen making dinner. she looked more frail and her legs were a little wobbly, which made me worry. i know me and aubrey weren’t together, but i did care for momma graham.
when she looked up and saw me, her eyes lit up and a huge smile slid onto her face, which caused one to come on mines as well. “onika, oh my god!!” she nearly yelled, rushing over to me and engulfing me with her skinny arms.
a genuine laugh escaped my lips, which always happened when i was around her. “hey momma!” i greeted.
she pulled away and looked at me for a few moments, “still as beautiful as ever. i missed you.”
i could see aubrey leaning on the wall with his hands in his pockets, looking down. he had this unreadable expression. what was he thinking?
"i missed you, too." i breathed out, and i did. she was like a second mother to me, and it killed me not seeing her these past couple months. sometimes we’d make dinner together when i stayed over for a while. "you need some help momma?"
she giggled, “no baby im fine. you can go on with aubrey.” she winked obviously thinking we were together again.
aubrey finally spoke up, “mama, we not-“
"i know." she interrupted, her eyes gleaming. "it’s nice to see you again onika." she said before turning to the dinner.
before i could respond, aubrey pulled me off to his room. when he closed the door, i hit him with the questions floating around in my head: “what’s wrong? are you okay? is momma okay? why does she look so sick? why-“
"damn baby girl." he chuckled, making me blush lightly, but i fought it off.
"is she ok?" i repeated.
his face went back to unreadable, and for some reason it bothered me. he was closing me off, and i didn’t like it. “she’s fine.” he spoke sharply, and i raised an eyebrow. so he was gonna lie to me when i had two eyes? reading my expression, he sighed. “she’s.. she’s sick. i don’t wanna talk about it.” his voice cracked and he turned his head. i nodded, wanting to comfort him, but then again, i didn’t just couldn’t. after a few seconds of awkward tension, he turned back to me. “that’s not what this is about.”
i nodded. “i know, i just care about her.”
he shrugged my comment off, changing the subject. “onika look- about what happened to us..”
"you cheated. what is there to talk about?" i spat, my attitude quickly changing from caring to anger in half a second.
he sighed, clenching his jaw. “i told you what happened. but yo stubborn ass still don’t wanna listen. u never wanna listen to nobody.”
sucking my teeth, i crossed my arms over my chest. “do i look fucking stupid, aubrey? you fucked the bitch, end of discussion!” anger and sadness was starting to bubble inside of me, but i calmed myself. i didn’t have time for this. i didn’t wanna talk about this. “you know what? no. drop me off at home, now aubrey.”
he narrowed his eyes, “there you go again! trying to block out everything and run away from ya problems!”
i rubbed at my temples, my head banging. i already had enough going on with my family falling apart and i felt like a ticking time bomb. i couldn’t deal with all of this. this dumb drama was gonna have to wait.
"no aubrey, i don’t have time for this. take me home." i said in a more calm tone.
he shook his head, “onika i miss you. i miss your beautiful smile and kissing you and bringing you over here and seeing my mama happy. i miss us, aight?”
i blinked back the tears and stupid emotions. fuck that. I wasn’t gonna shed any tears. “ok. are you finished, because i have other things to do.”
"dammit onika." he slammed his hand on the wall, making me jump in surprise before straightening up. he came towards me and I walked backwards until i was on his door. "why are you always doing this shit? why do you ball your emotions up and act like you have none??"
"because the best way to stop your heart from getting broken is to act like you don’t have one." i blurted before I could stop myself. he just stared at me and i sighed, biting my lip to keep it from trembling. "i don’t wanna do this aubrey. not now, ok? i got too much going on, i can’t deal with this right now."
"you think i don’t? I’m going through some things too, ‘nika!! and i need you."
"you should’ve thought about that when you fucked that girl."
his face was red and he gripped at his hair letting out a frustrated growl. “u are so fucking difficult for no got damn reason. she came onto me, ‘nika!”
"stop calling me that. you don’t have the fucking right." i spat. "you know what aubrey? fuck you, i don’t have to do this. I’m leaving, fuck this." i rolled my eyes opening the door and he shut it right back. "what the-"
before i could speak, he turned me around and kissed me full on the lips. for a second- just a second- i forgot what had happened between us that quick and kissed him back. he’d always had that affect on me, and it annoyed me to no end. but soon enough I’d pushed him off of me, blushing like crazy and slightly shaking.
"you don’t get to do that anymore." i spoke lowly, and I knew he sensed my nervousness.
"i said i was sorry and i mean it. why can’t you accept that?? i love YOU onika, no one else! nobody could ever amount to you. i could never care for another girl like i care for you. okay? i need you. yes, she’s sick. she’s fucking dying onika and i can’t do shit about it. i know i did you wrong but I’m sorry and i need you." there were tears in his eyes feeling suicidal and ready to jump down his red face.
my throat clogged and i sighed heavily before pulling him into a hug. i bit my lip, trying not to cry, but once one tear slipped from my eyes i was sobbing right along with him.
"my parents are fighting, and my little brother ran away, aubrey. he ran away! and now everyone’s silent and there’s so much tension and i jus’ wanna scream." i cried, finally letting my emotions on the surface. he held me tighter, putting his head on my shoulder. "i don’t know what to do.. i.. I’m so sorry about momma graham. oh my god."
"sh sh, it’s ok. we’ll be ok." he whispered in my ear. we jus stood there, crying and holding each other.
(the pressure will make you feel)