drakavai

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(Tumblr handle Drakavai)

I would not keep reading based on these first lines. While it’s always exciting and attention-grabbing to begin with action (and I love a good beheading on page one), the prose here needs a lot of work before it will be ready to go before an editor. 

My recommendation is to join a writing workshop or online writing forum where you can get honest feedback from other writers to help you work on your writing craft. Having feedback from other writers before you put your work in front of an editor will ensure that you have multiple outside opinions. No good can come from writing in a vacuum. 

For these first lines specifically, I recommend reading them out loud, paying particular attention to the natural breaks and noting just how much information is packed into three sentences. Then unpack the sentences. Don’t rush through your action. Don’t overwhelm us with events right away. There’s nothing wrong with taking your time.

Good luck!

~QQ

drakavai So this is essentially what Scrivener looks like, with templates and stuff. In the left column, you click on whatever chapter you’re working on and it will bring up that chapter in whichever format you chose. Unless I’m using it wrong, that is.

(Don’t mind about my notes, a few names and chapter titles are just placeholders and will probably change.)

Angel Bound

Angel Bound

Abandoned on the precipice slowly you step to the view

Looking down at sand and stone is this the end your due

Thinning air as the wind grows its persistence against you

Upward you look past the clouds of white and sky of blue

Memories are insistent while within yourself you debate

Can the wind carry me up or is the fall below my true fate

Fear is your companion while defiance solidifies your state

Time is impatient ever watching as you linger making it wait

Stepping back from the abyss dusted earth carries and clings

Gathering your storm focused on what your decision brings

Perpetual silence until within the coil a softened voice sings

Deepened breath and open eyes as you spread your wings

Stretched and free the clouds break as you feel ready to fly

Running fast as you race to the edge never saying goodbye

Illuminating sun inspires and glimmers to a tear in your eye

Leaping over what looms wings out you reach up for the sky

Truth flees as you start to fall could you have been mistaken

The sun dissipates the feathers pull away your hope is shaken

Crashing into sand and stone as from this dream you awaken

Chains rattle you’re still the winged captive forced to be forsaken

Shades of deceit

Your love is a stranger waiting around the corner

Haunting me from the dark drawn into your danger

 

Whispering on the breeze taunting me with words

Your breath against my skin while my heart pleads

 

Stalking my secrets as our shadows do the dance

Following my suffering every step with my regrets

 

You linger like a dream like a waking nightmare

Sleepless to distraught my sanity pulls at the seam

 

Breaking the bind you leave me within the pitch

Peering around the corners still you haunt my mind

 

Screaming to the walls only cold left on my skin

Stumbling to the ground the last bit of my heart falls

 

Bleeding itself dry as I watch lost in my horrors

A familiar scene wounded truth no longer can I cry

 

Crumbling to dust my broken heart fades away

My soul armor left in your elements decays to rust

Drakavai2013

Inspired to embark

Inspired to Embark

Haunting like the embers of a fire drifting the sky on a summer wind,

Each flicker is a dream taunting reason your eyes carried in the glow.

Casting further away until they can no longer be seen is time to heal,

Ashen fall out cold and gray its desecration falls into the earth below.

Coal black skeleton left to bark ever so fragile when first under light,

Careful against the crumbling our bones fight the drought into muster.

Shattered and dried we creak and moan as to the fountains we shuffle,

What is within your fountain that drives your souls illuminating luster?

Your sustenance is that very thing strive to rekindle that dying ember,

Glowing dim breathe it in breathe it out to resuscitate your fiery spark.

Replenish the flow succulent inspiration rise from the ashes a phoenix,

Feeding your perpetual fire it’s time to prepare the world for your mark.

Loves maelstrom symphony

Crawling and scratching my way through the chasm

My fingers bloodied and bruised to the bones

In anticipation of the inevitable my heart now moans

Lingering shocks to the soul I’m left in spasm

Without light forged to dark crimson shattering tones

The spirit of love sometimes seems a phantasm

The darkness within beckons to the border of sarcasm

Your familiar friend in a rhythm always known

 

Man and woman battle this scourge steeped in agony

Torn flesh and venomous words break the hold

The wars rage as the forsaken leave their stories untold

Throwing themselves back into the fire of irony

Inspired and enamored by the promise of love foretold

Unified inside a womb of illuminated harmony

Perpetrated story in a bellowed song like the symphony

Yet night after night no seat is ever left unsold