It's weird how I've become so...not me.
Ever since I can remember I was the boy who could get along with anyone. Someone could just walk up to me and call me an asshole and after five minutes we’d end up laughing and having a great conversation. I used to see this girl at my high school a lot and after we graduated I saw online how she was having a rough time with her family, money, etc., so I drove to her house and help a large bouquet of flowers outside her door step so she knew someone still cared for her. I once saw this poor old man with some form of down syndrome at the gas station near my house and I once heard him talk about how much he loves peanut butter cups. So when I left the gas station I purchased 3 king size reeses and gave it to the man and was so happy just to see his face light up. This boy, is me.
Now let me tell you about another boy. This boy (yes still me) once fell in love a long time ago. I fell in love with another boy and ended up giving him absolutely everything I had. My time, my money, I even gave up relationships with others including my own family, just for this boy. I was wrapped around his finger and would do anything this boy wanted as long as it made him happy. Over a year and a half went by, and I found out the second month we were together, he ended up cheating with another boy, a mutual friend of ours. I was on a family vacation at the time. St. Louis to be exact. I was beyond words. I still cannot describe the feeling I felt that day. It is impossible to say. I felt so purposeless. So unworthy. Basically just like I could drop dead that second and he wouldn’t care one bit.
A few months went by, and I still ended up going back with this boy. Going back to driving him wherever and whenever. Back to paying for everything for him and being fully loyal and giving all I had. Dealing with his issues with drinking and still trying to be there to help him. Then one day, new years eve 2012 to be exact, I received a call. It was a voicemail from him. It was him drunk and saying another boys name, who I knew, telling him how he loved him and wanted to have sex with him. Once again, no words. I can only leave it at that.
After a few weeks, me and the boy that the voicemail was suppose to go to talked and found out that this other boy and him have been talking, but he wasn’t aware that I was in a relationship with this boy. We ended up hanging out and talking everything out, which helped us both. We hung out a few times, got to know each other as friends, and soon-better than friends. It was weird at first since this was someone new. Someone I wasn’t used to. Someone that i didn’t know everything about. I was scared, terrified is actually more accurate I would say. But after some time of hanging out, we ended up starting a relationship. This relationship was insane. A roller coaster beyond belief. I wasn’t ready to start dating again so soon, I will admit that. It caused a ton of problems between us because of this. We started to become overly jealous, I started to think about my past with the other boy a bit, and we ended up ending our relationship and getting back together multiple times.
This boy really means the world to me. Treats me right in every single way. Can make me feel better than anyone else ever could. He just is beyond my wildest dreams in so many ways.
I cheated on him.
I went back to the old boy. Was it worth it? No. Will I ever be able to fix it? No. I was too scared to move on. Too scared to have something serious that was still so new to me. So I fled and screwed up. Twice to be exact.
Now I am here in my living room, alone, on the couch. This perfect man is laying in my bed right now. I made him sleep here because he has been feeling ill and his house does not have air conditioning and I also have medicine for him as well. This boy is perfect to me. He is 110% the weirdest, quirkiest man on the planet and I just find it to be beyond adorable. One time he even tried to be smooth and pick me up and carry me but ended up smacking my head against the wall and tripping over a chord. Most people wouldn’t find that too awesome, but it is something I will never forget. He is so responsible. So grown up. I pray that one day he can meet my family and that things could be okay. But like I said, I screwed up. He deserves the world and I have destroyed his world.
I mainly just want the old me back. I want to do sweet caring things again. I want to start realizing that I need to care about peoples feelings more. I want to let go of my past and move on with the better things that are in store for me in life. And most of all I want to regain back the relationship I shared with my parents as well as God.
I am only human. I am going to change throughout time. But I know that even though I don’t like who I have been lately, I know who I AM.