Hey friends. Apparently, thanks to Twitter (and getting married, and working), I’m not capable of writing long-form. But with the big CHIKARA Internet Pay-Per-View coming up, and me trying to get ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN on board with this great promotion, I thought maybe I’d attempt to give a preview of the matches, as well as make myself sound like a man with an opinion that matters. Links are to the respective wrestler’s Twitter account (and open in a new window), because TWITTER TWITTER HASHTAG TWITTER IPAD.
GRAN AKUMA vs. ICARUS - Ladder Match
Former tag team partners collide as Akuma (finally) seeks revenge on his old tag team partner, Icarus, for kicking him out of FIST. Akuma returned to CHIKARA at last year’s iPPV, and has since won the various matches that Icarus set up to force Akuma into proving he deserves to be back in CHIKARA. Because it totally makes sense for the (kayfabe) man in charge of a wrestling company to listen to a guy who the fans hate vociferously. Akuma’s CHIKARA contract will be hanging over the ladder. Also, Gregory Iron will be the special referee of the match. Iron has had run-ins with both men; with Icarus claiming Iron’s cerebal palsy was a ruse, and with an errant kick from Akuma knocking out Iron at the end of last year’s High Noon iPPV. There’s been a weird dynamic between Iron and Icarus as of late, so this bears watching.
MY PICK (because LOL, I matter): Akuma. However, Icarus has his friends Chuck Taylor and Johnny Gargano watching his back.
SARA DEL REY & SATURYNE vs. THE BATIRI - 2 on 3 handicap match
I get that with the way CHIKARA portrays itself, the fans are encouraged to boo the bad guys & cheer the good guys (and girls). But if you’re on Twitter as much as me, you’ll probably find The Batiri have one of the best Twitter accounts in pro wrestling. They’ve been feuding with Sara for months now, generally being a thorn in her side and using their sick sense of humor to send out insults her way. While Sara has held her own and owns a few victories over members of The Batiri, the numbers game caught up to her recently. CHIKARA’s newest luchadora, Saturyne, made the save for Sara. We’ve seen very little of Saturyne, but the women will hold their own here. Will the numbers and the Batiri’s underhanded tactics win the match?
MY PICK: The Batiri, just because.
ULTRAMANTIS BLACK vs. OPHIDIAN
Ophidian has re-invented himself here, turning his back on his former partners in the Osirian Portal and has threatened to take over CHIKARA. The once-evil, and still Great and Devious Ultramantis Black, had his staff stolen by Ophidian as a part of the snake-man’s plan to transform himself into the evilest man in CHIKARA. Mantis has been having his own issues with former stablemate Delirious, so he will most definitely be a factor in this. Ophidian has promised a new look here, and his matches have been more hard-hitting than in years past. Will it be enough to put down the veteran Mantis, who himself knows a thing or two about the dark side?
MY PICK: Ophidian already has a victory over Mantis back in April via underhanded tactics. I think Ultramantis will be ready this time. You can be sure Hallowicked and Frightmare won’t be too far, if Ophidian gets underhanded or Delirious shows up.
MIXED MARTIAL ARCHIE & COLT CABANA vs. THE THROWBACKS - Loser Leaves Town
Now this brings together a few ends. MMArchie, previously Archibald Peck, has picked up some MMA skills in an attempt to stop a long losing streak. As Archie, he’s had some run-ins with Colt Cabana. Cabana, meanwhile, was rubbed the wrong way in a match with Mr. Touchdown. Mr. Touchdown, Dasher Hatfield’s step-cousin-in-law, replaced Dasher’s former tag partner, Sugar Dunkerton, when Sugar took a leave of absence a few months back. Meanwhile, Archie’s former valet, Veronica, has developed eyes for Mr. Touchdown. As of late, though, she’s had some second thoughts and is toiling over who she wants to be with. Sugar has also recently stated that he will be in attendance at the show, and it will be interesting to see how this may impact The Throwbacks 2.0.
MY PICK: Wait, loser leaves town? Please go no contest. Please go no contest. *sigh* Fans seem to think that Archie will take the loss and end the short-lived Mixed Martial Archie persona. Cabana has his Matt Classic persona, Dasher Hatfield previously was the Create-A-Wrestler, where he changed characters on a yearly basis. This is hard.
CHUCK TAYLOR & JOHNNY GARGANO vs. THE YOUNG BUCKS - Tag Team Titles
Chuck Taylor & Johnny Gargano won the belts back recently from 3.0, while Nick and Matt Jackson, The Young Bucks, won the right to challenge for the titles in a four-team elimination match. This will be an athletic and high flying match showcasing the connection between the partners in each team. The Bucks are generally special guests in CHIKARA, and I’m just shocked this is even happening, because all four men are signed to companies that apparently own their rights for DVD and broadcast/PPV. But it’s a huge win for fans. This match, along with Colt/Archie and the Throwbacks, may be my favorite. Also, I hate typing Campeones de Parejas, so I call the belts the tag team titles. I RUN A TUMBLR AND A TWITTER DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO OR WHERE THE ACCENT MARK GOES.
MY PICK: Taylor and Gargano are CHIKARA regulars, and two of my favorites. ‘Nuff said. (Code for: my eyes hurt, time to wrap this up)
HALLOWICKED vs. TIM DONST - Mask vs. hair
The battle of two Young Lions Cup winners got personal when Hallowicked took Tim Donst’s YLC trophy at last year’s iPPV, when Donst and his partner Ares lost to Wicked and Mantis, and…….who am I kidding, just watch this.
MY PICK: I’m a Donstaroo.
EDDIE KINGSTON, JIGSAW, GREEN ANT, FIRE ANT & SOLDIER ANT (THE COLONY) vs. 17, THE SHARD & THE SWARM (GEKIDO)
The GEKIDO are the lastest group of invading bad guys looking to steamroll over all the tecnico/good guys. They’ve taken out Mike Quackenbush and own several victories over some of these guys. The GEKIDO have threatened to expose the identities of The Colony, and you just don’t do that to guys who wear masks. Even if your guys wear masks, too. The fake ants in The Swarm have been identified by Quackenbush as dropouts from the CHIKARA Wrestle Factory. But what about the other two? How will good friends Eddie Kingston and Jigsaw get along, after fighting each other tooth and nail for Kingston’s Grand Championship a few weeks ago? And do you really want to tick off The Colony?
MY PICK: This isn’t the end of this war. The GEKIDO have generally gotten the best of their opponents since they arrived in CHIKARA, and I get the sense this will hold true again.
Now that you’ve read all this and have decided that I’m a man with important opinions on an excellent pro wrestling company, you’ll want to do this really important part and order the iPPV right now. All you want to know about CHIKARA is over at CHIKARAPro.com.
Follow me on Twitter, please, @Strike3Count. Especially if you’re a spambot or some awful link regurgitator. I don’t have enough of those.