don't-mind-me-i'm-just-here-with-my-feelings-;_____;

So I noticed something in 'Swan Song'...

Apologies, cause this will be long and ramble-y….

I know there’s been a lot of theories in the past about who exactly was in control of Sam’s body when they jumped into the pit, and I agree with the general idea, though when exactly (or if ever) Sam regains control and how are another issue…

But that’s not the point of this post. The point is, there was always one moment in Swan Song I couldn’t work out.

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I hate that feeling of “now what do I do with my life” when you finish a tv show. I just watched seven seasons, how do you get over that?!

And then the “nothing can ever be as good as this show ” feeling starts ,only to end when you start watching another show and then it’s just this ENDLESS CYCLE…

Please feel free to ignore this.

I want a mom to take my hand
              and make me feel like a holiday
A mom to tuck me in at night
              and chase the monsters away
I want a mom to read me stories
              and sing a lullaby
And if I have a bad dream, to hold me when I cry

Oh,
    I want a mom
          that will last forever
    I want a mom
          to make it all better
I want a mom
          that will last forever
I want a mom
          that will love me
                           whatever,
                                       forever—-;;

But here is the thing, here is what those around me have told me, what is constantly affirmed each time I speak of what my mind synthesizes and relates:

I understand the incomprehensible, I know the unknowable, I speak the unspeakable! This is what people say, they marvel at my comprehension. They don’t call me a genius or tell me I am brilliant or any of these words to measure intelligence, because it isn’t a matter of pure intellect, it is a matter of what my mind can or cannot grasp! They compare me to themselves, and they find I understand more than they do. I think the things they would not think, I name the things they could not name. I comprehend what they see as beyond comprehension.

I am not saying that this is any burden nor that I am more intelligent than they, for this doesn’t relate to intellect, it’s simply a matter of the functions of the intellect I possess. Do I really comprehend? Do I really see? Are these people, going from their extrapolations of my writing or my daily conversation, correct in their assessments? What do I comprehend? What do I see? What do I see?

.

I’ll be moving in the next month or so, and there’s someone here who has become my friend, and I feel pretty sure I’m going to fall out of touch with him for a number of reasons. Particularly that I’m probably not very important to him. He is funny and cool and attractive and has a lot of other friends. I’m awkward and weird looking and don’t. I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m fishing for compliments or anything, because I’m not. I’m not unnecessarily tearing myself down here, I’m just trying to be realistic. I’m the kind of person that people sometimes hang out with mostly because they know I don’t have anyone else, and that’s just the way it is, and I’ve accepted that. I’m not enthusiastic about being pitied, but sometimes I need some company so I do appreciate when people do this. I’ve tried to make it worth his while as much as I can, by sharing my weed with him and making delicious food whenever he comes over to my place. He’s never invited me to his place. 

Anyway. He’s a good person and I’m having trouble figuring out how I can thank him for being so nice to me while I’ve been living here, and telling him that if/when he stops texting me back it’s okay and I’ll be fine because I’ve fallen out of touch with everyone I’ve ever been close to, and he doesn’t need to feel bad about it.