It’s great that you don’t want to relapse, but doing drugs and drinking aren’t any better of options. Both of those things can ruin your life and have the potential to kill you if it goes too far. You should really consider going to see a professional who can help you deal with the things that make you want to numb yourself. Life hurts and things get really hard sometimes, but there are safer ways to deal with it. You might find that talking about it is really helpful, so you won’t feel the need to run from your problems by making yourself numb. There’s nothing wrong with feeling how much life hurts; likewise, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to shield yourself from the pain. The problem is when you go to such lengths to keep yourself from feeling it. I think that, if you were to get help, you would find that your feelings are more manageable than you think they are right now.