I had such terrible taste when I was six.

You probably listened to some totally hardcore jams when you were a little kid. I know I did. When I was about six years old, “children’s discos” were sort of the done thing in the part of Europe where I lived – and if you’re picturing darkened rooms, multi-coloured lighting, strobes, DJs and masses of elementary schoolers raving, you’re… actually exactly right. And lest you think I’m joking, let me assure you that I am not. That’s what you did if you wanted to be a cool six-year-old in Austria in the early nineties. Kiddie raves.

And when you’re six, you’re pretty easily influenced – so, obviously, I was into that scene, which resulted in some pretty awful musical tastes. (And some good ones – I mean, come on, New Order and London Beat and the KLF are on this list and the Austrian bands in there are badass. The sharp-eared among you will also notice that my Manchester proclivities began early.) And yes, many of these songs are totally inappropriate for children; that’s what comes of growing up in a non-English-speaking country where no one knows what any of the lyrics mean.

So, for my birthday, this is my gift to you: a retrospective into the Eurotechno dance pop disco wasteland that was my early years. Tracklist here.

(Just to restore a little bit of my “street cred,” let’s be clear that I also liked a lot of good music back then. “London Calling” was my favourite song. I’m just not afraid to admit that I owned the CDs for this stuff, too.)