sometimes it is really hard, to be so intimate with death. it really scares me to be completely honest. whenever i get upset, or have a bad day, my mind goes to how easy and quick it would be to end it all. most days, i go through all the motions and I am fine. but the bad days, it’s always in the back of my mind. no one would even know it was a suicide, it could have been a tragic mistake. it’s like a constantly carrying a noose around your neck, waiting for the one day you take the inevitable pull. it’s hard to live with that on your shoulders, and it really takes a toll on a person.

I’m not scared of vampires.

I’m scared of not waking up tomorrow morning because something went wrong with my blood sugar in the middle of the night.

I’m not scared of werewolves.

I’m scared of going to the hospital and the doctor not understanding my disease and treating me the wrong way making things worse.

I’m not scared of zombies.

I’m scared of passing out or having a seizure in a public place because my blood sugar dropped low and I didn’t realize it. 

I’m not scared of the dark.

I’m scared of kidney, heart and brain diseases that may happen later in my life.

I’m not scared of heights.

I’m scared of passing down diabetes to my children and to their children.

I’m not scared of bugs.

I’m scared of losing 15-20 years of my life.

I am not scared of public speaking.

I’m  scared of waking up in a hospital and finding out that I was in a coma.

 I may not be scared of the same things that other people are scared of but I am scared. I am so scared.

I pay for medical equipment and I keep my levels as in control as possible. Yet a huge part of me wishes I never had access to this equipment or even to insulin. If I was born in the early 1900s I’d have been dead a long time ago. I feel like that was what nature wanted, just the medical world got involved.

Diabetes presents its own individual challenges; it makes what is challenging and easy to some people different to me.
I will quite happily munch on nuts to get in calories. Have a 400 cal snack. Some things to present themselves as more difficult. No matter how amazing the insulin pump is, it’s not a working pancreas. Each diabetic is also different. This afternoon I did have a ‘peak’ and a ‘trough’ with blood sugars, but it was manageable. So, for me, I made a choice today that was both a big push for me, but also sensible for diabetes. It’s all about balance.
In the future, I plan to be I a place where I just decide to let it slide occasionally. To say “okay, I’ll handle the fallout later”. Right now, it’s both not good for me mentally, nor physically; a fallout could really impact the rest of my day. Being in London, having to get the train back and organise myself, a repeat of town last week where I stumbled into a Starbucks toilet, feeling like I might be sick, followed by what happened on Monday morning - the peak and trough at their more extremes - I didn’t want that.
I can understand how someone naturally sees me ordering a “diet” pizza and their knee-jerk response is to say “you should order a normal one. It’s easy calories”. I understand why! It’s ultimately because they care, that they say it. I did get worked up though; I think it’s because I just feel I can never articulate the diabetes side without feeling I am making an excuse. That is why I said what I did about almonds, about having a drink over 200 calories - those, for me and my INDIVIDUAL situation, are ‘easy’ calories. Doubling the carbs in a pizza simply isn’t.
I enjoyed my lunch though! Funnily enough I was the only one who finished 🙈 for me, that was also a real mental “tick”, seeing that empty plate. There is NOTHING wrong with eating a whole pizza, before someone misconstrues this. But people are different. Sometimes I feel we can get so caught up in what is “normal”, and really what is? I finished my lunch at a good point of fullness - I also found myself giving the BIGGEST carb insulin dose for over a year… Only realised that on the train back! Blood sugar was a bit high before, a bit high mid-afternoon and crashed a little later. I’ve dealt with it though.
As I said - I feel content. I feel stronger. Not just with the ED, but mostly diabetes. Proud diabetic.

@PumpUp - Helping me with my fitness and helping me keep motivated when I find it hard as im a diabetic who struggles to exercise due to my sugar levels going low in the process of exercising.

Unlike other kids, I have to check my blood sugar 8 to 10 times a day; everything I eat is measured and every carbohydrate counted. My kit goes with me everywhere I go … Too much exercise or not eating all my food can be dangerous. I think I’m too young to have to worry about all this stuff.

 Jonathan Platt, 8, California (via jdrf)

honestly one of the most heartbreaking things ive ever read. everyone is too young to live with a disease like this.