even my fingers are fat….fml
fills me up to my heart…and stops in my throat
if i think too long or hard on certain things I get a wave of sadness
worry follows me like a shadow
i can’t seem to shake it, once one is moved out of the way, another soon follows. only 1.30pm and I am done at work, now to wait for my male counterpart to be done with work and come home to me. my stomach churns and I am so so surprised I do not have an ulcer or panic attacks for how I feel…maybe it’s just the espresso or nicotine.
my tummy is too uneasy to eat, or drink the rest of my tea latte. maybe i am dehyrated. or sad. sadness accounts for my terrible back aches and the tense feeling from my tail bone to the center of my shoulder blades.
we had to wake up at 5am today, and I did ok, but I wish…I dunno
Oly is nice, Wa is nice also, planting lavender is nice, dave is nice…but many things upset me about life and him and me.
me most of all. i hate myself sometimes for how my life is, but I do not know how to change anything. I do not know what to do. wish I could have broguht my old store with me, it made more sense there and things were neat and organized and I wasn’t treated like a total n00b. in fact, I was one of the best ones there and we held ourselves to higher standards, less misinformation and more lax in the ways that matter.
I have so much to say but cannot vocalize, or even gather my thoughts enough to do so. 25 or less hours really bugs me, and I hope it gets better. Dave’s job is the more important of the 2 so it’s great that he works today, but rubs into my face the fact that I do not and have no plans to socilize with anyone here. making friends is just fluff. they always wind up getting you hurt somehow. or they get mad at you. just bullshit i hate and will continue to avoid. wish, above all else, that I could be my own friend and like myself a bit more. what bugs me lately is what a goddamn hypocrite I am. this i know all too well but I still see myself (despite knowing full well I am full of shit) as a perfect person. I am so kind and well-behaved. Right.
Not at all.
Ok, i gtg. may write later if I feel better.