Ugh, super bummed out today. I feel like I’m slowly getting weaker and more deconditioned as I continue working. I’ve been shakier than usual lately, and am developing weird symptoms like super-dry eyes and a sound sensitivity.
It’s not like the working is too much, exactly—it’s more like it doesn’t give me the time I need to exercise as much as I need to to stay healthy, recover, and also live my life.
I am very torn, because on the one hand I love my job and want to see where it takes me. I adore my coworkers and want them all in my life. I also kind of want to make it to the three-year mark for financial reasons, because I’ll go from being 50% to 75% vested in some very valuable company stock (so from a future-oriented perspective, it might be worth the trouble to ensure more money in savings). But at the same time, I’m starting to become convinced that this isn’t sustainable. Maybe it would be if I stuck to 30 hrs/wk, but I think the inevitable move to 40 hrs/wk isn’t going to work.
The job I really want is a 20 hrs/wk job that I work every other day or so, with projects and flexibility that’ll allow me to work from home on occasion, work non-standard hours, or work more/less depending on where I am in terms of deadlines. I don’t need benefits yet, because I can fall back on my folks’ insurance (might even be able to stay on it after I turn 26, if I can prove disability), and the money isn’t a problem because of my disability insurance, so it seems like a good choice. Maybe if I were to start there and work up to it, I could over time find a full-time job with benefits that would work for my needs.
Is that realistic, though? I know how hard it is to find work in this town, but at the same time I get the feeling that it might be easier to find a part-time, flexible job than a full-time, full-benefits job. I mean, basically, I want a soccer-mom job, and from a friend’s experience, those seem to be not-so-difficult to find. I have a really good resume, so I’d be a good candidate, and I can do all sorts of things.
Maybe I should start putting out feelers. I guess I’ve been thinking I have to decide on whether or not to keep my current job before looking for a new one, but I suppose I can start applying and try to make a smooth transition.
This is so complicated and I don’t like it. When I’m at work I feel confident, and I don’t doubt that I can do the work itself—but thinking about my life outside of work, I don’t see this going in a good direction unless I quit.