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An excerpt from “Equilibrium” bonus story in LUCIDITY. Some of you may have read this years back when it was posted in the LJ as an unfinished piece. Since then, about 16 more pages of text has been added - minor re-writes, etc. We are looking at possibly having 2 or 3 illustrations to go with the story (time is a factor - we DO want both ITW12 and LUCIDITY to go to print this month).
Writing David and Katsuya in this context’s been interesting. Although I know we say this with each new title. But we look forward to exploring the not so romantic aspect of their relationship and its faults.
And for love of God - please don’t compare this to 50 Shades of anything you might have in mind. Like Stockholm Syndrome plotlines, we don’t do THAT kind of stories either.
“Mike told me something interesting about you a few days ago,” Katsuya said, after taking a sip of the Merlot.
“Couldn’t image what,” David said and cut off a piece of his steak. “He does have a lot of dirt on me.”
David smiled, still chewing. “He knew me back when I was still on patrol.”
“He told me you used to be a Dominant, in the BDSM scene.”
David’s face did not change expression. He ate another cube of steak. “It wasn’t a lifestyle,” he said, taking a drink from his wineglass to wash down the steak. “I was with someone who was into it and I obliged.”
“A person who asked you to…. “ Katsuya said, pausing to look for words.
“Yes,” David said. “Did it for about a year. I did it to make her happy.”
“It was a woman?”
“I want to tell you that I’m attracted to the soul of a person, not their body, but that’s not entirely true either. I like what I like,” David said with a smile. “Anyway, I was kind of glad when I didn’t have to do that anymore. As much as I understand the psychology of pain that’s part of it, I wasn’t entirely comfortable. I felt like a misogynist afterwards, when I was out of the moment. ”
Katsuya pulled himself up straighter in his seat, his food temporarily forgotten. “Why?”
“It’s a very intense experience,” David said. “It’s a superficial understanding of BDSM that the play’s deeply rooted in trust and that the concept of inflicted pain is subjective. It’s a lot more than that. You have this human being, who’s been stripped bare of their sense of self, sense of identity and ego — everything. Now you’re responsible for protecting an absolutely defenseless being and for making them feel — making them what they are, for that brief time. I was in charge in the purely physical sense. She was in charge of everything else. I suppose I would have been more into it and gotten more out of the experience if that had been my lifestyle. I couldn’t deny that there were some very powerful sexual connections involved that were like owning something very pure, and the love or lust in those few moments felt unconditional. However, it’s a lot of work to arrive at that point. Sometimes it felt like trying to wring an erection out of an impotent man. Does that make sense? ”
“I loved her and did what made her happy,” David said. “So that was the only reason I was in the scene. It’s not that dirty a secret. I’ve done worse.”
“You’ve done worse?”
“Let’s not throw rocks at that sleeping dog now.”
“So, was that why you’re no longer with her?”
David tilted his head to the side and thought for a moment. “Part of it, I suppose. I didn’t want a slave; I wanted a girlfriend. Then, she wanted more than I was willing to give.”
There were a few moments of silence. David continued to carve small bites from his steak and eat, while Katsuya sipped his wine.
“Were you good at it?”
“Of course I was. Fucking with people’s minds is one of my natural talents. I have the highest confession rate in the department for a reason.”
Although David had said it with a smile, Katsuya knew it was true. Many supervisors didn’t like David on a personal level, but they couldn’t deny that he was one of the best. He was one of the commissioner’s favorites.
“For my birthday…,” Katsuya asked, “if I asked you to take me to a place where I could experience that with you, would you?”
David placed his knife and fork down on the plate. There was a frown on his face. “Would you settle for me getting into my uniform, talking dirty and giving you a light spanking instead?”
“I’m certain it’s not the same.”