don't read this.
for awhile i used to just talk about my thoughts online as a way of expression and they were often really negative, mostly towards myself. i realized that me being so sad/negative didn’t give a positive influence on my followers and just made them feel negatively so i decided to not really be open about my feelings anymore and only try to spread the happy moments of my life because my reasoning for starting youtube in the first place was to make others happy and distract you/myself from the craziness in life. i just want others to be happy and i’d hate to think i was doing the complete opposite to some. i think it’s been going well until tonight i realized a lot… i am not a hero / inspiration. i’m not a perfect person. i am not someone you should be looking up to or trying to get advice from…i barely have control of my own mind/life. i am nowhere in life where i want to be. i feel throughout the last few years i’ve just gotten uglier and unhealthier looking and because of that i’ve just become scared of making videos / showing how i actually look and have just became even more insecure with myself. i don’t live how i would actually want to because i let the negative thoughts in my mind hold me back. i realized tonight that i’ll probably be alone forever because in order to accept love from someone else you need to love yourself and i completely lack that, no matter how hard i try to change that. i live in fear. i always panic and think i’m unhealthy / dying so i always want to go to the doctors and get everything checked. i constantly do these healthy diets thinking it’ll make me look and feel better. nothing ever works. i eat irregularly and know i’m no where near healthy. i know being vegetarian is just making me stay unhealthy and miss out on nutrients i need but i’m brainwashed and feel i can’t do anything about it. i feel i’ll just look and feel terrible forever and it scares me…it scares me that i’m going to waste my entire life away because of the hatred i have for myself.