Aries: This weekend will not be wasted. However, you might be. Hashtag faded, hashtag turnt, hashtag three way, hashtag lol, hashtag party, hashtag barfing in public. Make sure you don’t forget to hash tag, you’ll make new friends on social media.
Taurus: Don’t let anyone guilt you into doing something boring and stupid that you don’t want to do. I know you’d rather be taking shots and falling down in public tonight over babysitting your sister-in-law’s kid. Don’t say yes to anything that will dull your weekend.
Gemini: All eyes are going to be on you this weekend. You’re going to be impressing a lot of strangers and turning heads. Don’t mind the cranky jealous types. They’re just cranky and jealous.
Cancer: Row row row your boat gently down the stream. Pace yourself this weekend or you could wake up in a bathtub full of ice with your kidneys missing. Appear innocent, but remain skeptical.
Leo: Blah blah blah weekend horoscope drive safe have fun whatever. You’ve got it under control, I trust you.
Virgo: Stay inside and binge watch Netflix. When Netflix asks you if you’re still watching, begrudgingly mutter “obviously” to yourself under your breath. And most importantly, have a great weekend!
Libra: Don’t worry about balancing fun out with chores. It’s the freakin’ weekend. Have sex in the kitchen. Pee on some underaged girls.
Scorpio: Do something sporadic. You are too fixed in your habits. You’re going to stagnate and die bored if you don’t burn a bridge or ruin someone’s life in a drunken existential rage this weekend. Despite all your rage you are still just a rat in a cage.
Sagittarius: Who needs a date rape drug when you can roofie your friends with your amazing rhetoric? You’re in control this weekend! All you have to do is be convincing to those around you.
Capricorn: This weekend is all about vamping and being glittery. Put on a sexy show for those lucky enough to be around you. Mystify people with your swagger.
Aquarius: Get weird. Have fun. Test your limits. Spend 99% of this weekend inside of your head without realizing it. No one will ever understand.
Pisces: You are so incredibly bizarre and amazing. Surprise and horrify people with the freak show that is your personality. You don’t spend all of your time in imagination land for nothing.