Horoscopes by Mademoiselle Merlini: 1/22/15

Aries: Something or someone new is going to catch your eye. My advice would be to approach your target stealthily. Hunt like a wildcat. Observe your surroundings and calculate your movements. If you jump the gun you might look kind of pathetic. Just saying. If things turn sour, you can always be like “I meant to do that.” 8-]

Taurus: When all is said and done there is no place like home. As the average work week is winding down and the weekend is winding up, today is a good day to focus on your health, hearth, or both. You, yourself, and you is all you got in the end. That’s what you’ll find out.

Gemini: Your wacky side is really showing today. Perhaps being over worked is making you a little delirious in a comical way. Interactions with an Aquarius, Leo, or Taurus will especially lead to hilarious shenanigans. Your impish behavior will make for some entertaining/embarassing stories down the line.

Cancer: I bet you’re just tingling with excitement! You’ve really started to stir some things up in your social sphere, because why the heck not? As new friendships and romantic pursuits unravel, those around you are feeding off of the splendor that you seem to be just teeming with. Oh la la!

Leo: Time is a social construct, it’s a party that’s over. Your life is one long day and you set the pace. If you’re not hungry, don’t eat. If you’re not tired, don’t sleep. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do so long as you have your best interest in mind.

Virgo: There is no need to be modest. Modesty is actually a form of vanity if you think about it. It’s like… passive aggressive vanity. Don’t be passive aggressive. Gloat a little.

Libra: The burden of being so diplomatic and having such refined taste is that everyone is always looking to you for answers. This can seem boring and even annoying, but your place, much like Leo’s, is in the limelight. You can’t help it that you’re popular.

Scorpio: A random act of kindness will set off a chain reaction of good karma. Feeling guilty about that raccoon that you hit driving home last night? Hoping that it was in fact a raccoon and NOT someone’s cat? Do a few kind things today to pay it forward and even the score. Don’t worry, it was only a raccoon. Not only that, but it was rabid and on the way to attack an innocent baby. You’re actually a hero.

Sagittarius: Your passion and conviction can often leave you feeling like you’re one of the only ones who gives a damn about anything. It’s your job to inspire those grey faced couch potatoes. Don’t push too aggressively though, or people will become annoyed and think you’re a hard ass or a nazi. Just offer encouragement and support.

Capricorn: Ah, the Sisyphean task that is the Capricorn incarnation. Just as you’ve rolled the boulder up to the top of the hill, it comes rolling back down only for you to have to roll it up again. It’s not all for nothing. You were astrologically destined to be a work horse… or sea goat I guess. You’re good at it. Although it may drain you and make you frustrated at times, you secretly hate the idea of throwing in the towel.

Aquarius: Today has a certain freaky/ unpredictable vibe for you, dear Aquarius. What day doesn’t? If you need to throw any previous plans out of the window to rebel and perhaps explore your more hedonistic devious side, go for it! If you decide to stay in and be a nerdy loner, that’s cool too. Life is weird.

Pisces: There are so many people who love you! How could they not? You’re like Bambi, doe-eyed, gentle, and seemingly helpless. But here’s your secret, you’re actually an evil genius. Totally messed up, right?! Use it to your advantage.

Your Weekend Horoscope by Mademoiselle Merlini: 1/16/15-1/18/15

Aries:   This weekend will not be wasted.  However, you might be. Hashtag faded, hashtag turnt, hashtag three way, hashtag lol, hashtag party, hashtag barfing in public. Make sure you don’t forget to hash tag, you’ll make new friends on social media.

Taurus:  Don’t let anyone guilt you into doing something boring and stupid that you don’t want to do.  I know you’d rather be taking shots and falling down in public tonight over babysitting your sister-in-law’s kid.  Don’t say yes to anything that will dull your weekend. 

Gemini:  All eyes are going to be on you this weekend.  You’re going to be impressing a lot of strangers and turning heads.  Don’t mind the cranky jealous types.  They’re just cranky and jealous. 

Cancer:  Row row row your boat gently down the stream.  Pace yourself this weekend or you could wake up in a bathtub full of ice with your kidneys missing.  Appear innocent, but remain skeptical. 

Leo:  Blah blah blah weekend horoscope drive safe have fun whatever. You’ve got it under control, I trust you.

Virgo:  Stay inside and binge watch Netflix.  When Netflix asks you if you’re still watching, begrudgingly mutter “obviously” to yourself under your breath.  And most importantly, have a great weekend!

Libra:  Don’t worry about balancing fun out with chores.  It’s the freakin’ weekend. Have sex in the kitchen.  Pee on some underaged girls. 

Scorpio:  Do something sporadic.  You are too fixed in your habits.  You’re going to stagnate and die bored if you don’t burn a bridge or ruin someone’s life in a drunken existential rage this weekend.  Despite all your rage you are still just a rat in a cage.

Sagittarius:  Who needs a date rape drug when you can roofie your friends with your amazing rhetoric? You’re in control this weekend! All you have to do is be convincing to those around you. 

Capricorn:  This weekend is all about vamping and being glittery.  Put on a sexy show for those lucky enough to be around you. Mystify people with your swagger.

Aquarius:  Get weird. Have fun.  Test your limits.  Spend 99% of this weekend inside of your head without realizing it. No one will ever understand.

Pisces:  You are so incredibly bizarre and amazing.  Surprise and horrify people with the freak show that is your personality.  You don’t spend all of your time in imagination land for nothing.  

Horoscopes by Mademoiselle Merlini: 1/11/15

Aries: Things may really go your way today if you can manage to keep up with the pace, or rather set it. Today is all about precision. No dilly-dallying, get off tumblr!! Start some drama or throw a party, stir some shit up! You’re the catalyst.

Taurus: Oh how groovy it is to be you today, Taurus. You’re on to something and you’re going to really start turning heads. Play it cool. Torture us with the mystery. Also don’t eat anything too oniony or garlicky.

Gemini: A weird feeling that you’re forgetting something might be creeping on you today. It’s probably not anything serious. You probably just left the oven on and the door wide open or perhaps you accidentally sent your nudes to a family member. No worries. The sands of time eventually erase everything. Just kidding! RELAX. Ugh.

Cancer: You’re really not going to take no for an answer today. Kick and scream until the weak give in to what you want. Until tomorrow, cancer.

Leo: People from your past might be coming out of the woodwork or perhaps you’re getting into things you used to do. It’s not all going to happen at once because people, including you, have to rearrange some stuff before things come into play. Just wait and see I guess. Either way you’re king of the jungle.

Virgo: You like getting all of your ducks in a row, but today.. WHO EVEN ARE YOUR DUCKS? I’ll tell you who… the ones who still kind of waddle aimlessly in your vicinity even after you’re out of stale bread. That’s right. Let’s not forget about these ducks.

Libra: Wow, you’re so shiny and pretty and color co-ordinated with out even trying. I’m sure you’ll be showered with compliments today, yeah. Something tells me you’ll just be getting lots of compliments. Enjoy it.

Scorpio: Still in limbo, eh? Is a distant voice calling you from other realms? Figures. Who is it? Don’t tell me, don’t tell anyone, we’ll think you sound crazy. Wait and see.

Sagittarius: You’re going to be spitting some fire today, whether in a heated argument or voicing an opinion about something trivial. Your words can catapult you much further than you can handle sometimes. Words are like magic. Don’t cast any lame spells. Just like, be cool.

Capricorn: Oh, my sweet baby capricorn on the cob, I hope someone holds you close today. I hope you let someone coddle you just this once. It’s okay to lean on people. Being human is hard. I know you’re made of stone but you’re not alone.

Aquarius: Manic energies are out there and you’re FEELING them. Today there’s this unmistakeable electricity that you need to harness in order to accomplish the things that you think will make you seem cooler to people that you don’t really care about. I think you may just impress some randos! TUBULAR!

Pisces: Don’t be afraid to challenge your intellect. I know you’ve been through this stupid thing called existence like a million times more than the rest of us and I know that it’s all bullshit and that everyone is just high off of their own farts, but it’s still super cool and impressive to like stay on the ball and learn about something you think is interesting. Don’t be shy.