I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I’m an asshole

I’m sorry that I can’t do anything right
That I create problems
That it’s all my fault
That I have issues
That I don’t like talking about problems
That I never do what you want me to
Or act like I should.

Yes, I’m the source of the problem
I’m the reason why
I’m the evildoer-er
I’m the deceitful one
I’m the one causing drama
I’m the issue
I’m the untrustworthy one
I’m the one who doesn’t deserve anything.

I’m sorry. It’s all my fault. It’s all me.

Are you happy now? Is that good enough? Can you leave me alone now?

Can I go now?

Let it bleed.

Don’t worry darling
I will not try to flee
Don’t worry dear
I will not intercede

So here is a cudgel
Here is a sword
Here is a knife
For you to stab away

Stab deep and hard
Stab right and true
Stab the way you’ve always wanted to

Let me bleed my darling
Let it all rush out of me
Let the blood stain our vision red
Until there’s nothing left to bleed

Then leave me my dear
Leave me lying there
Then leave me my darling
So I can sleep in peace

And when I wake up darling
There scars you will not see
When I wake up darling
What you see will not be me.

A false alarm.
The warm rays your golden light emitted
Gave me false hope of spring.
Of life. Of growth. Of change.
Instead you covered yourself in a mist 
Hidden behind thick white whimsy 
And playfully you hide
While the light, white sparkles descend around me
Touching my fingertips. Icy shards to the skin.

You summon your whips and the atmosphere thrusts me about
Causing me to wince. Causing me to flinch. Causing me to cringe
And in this barren white coffin you lay me to shiver
Feeling the vibrations of my teeth, while losing feeling in my toes.
I am frozen in space. Lingering in time
I shiver and exhale, seeing the cloudy breath escape
And I close my eyes
And the white wasteland vanishes in a blur
And the golden ribbons once more extend from above
And I am gone. 

Oh Green Tea~~~!

Green tea green tea
How I miss thee
My Asian side is tingling
As I crave the oriental warmth
Of green tea
Fortunately my sudden craving
Can be cured so easily
By way of the magical thing known as
Green tea ice cream.
Yes it’s ice cold
And yes it’s rather sweet
Unlike the real tea
But then again I kinda love
My green tea ice cream

(Yes I just had a Michael moment. haha!)


*Ehem* Now to Introduce you to...

After posting two nonsensical posts to start off this tumblr/blog or whatever you hipsters  people call it *har har* I guess it’s time to make a more formal post about… well… who the hell I am

You may have noticed my little “about me/description/profile” section is well… not exactly in “Hi my name is _insertnamehere_"  format. I assure you this was done on purpose. I’m not really the type of person who will dump my life story in the "about me" section so that every Jack Jill Jane and Eugene can read it and go about their merry ways knowing random facts about me even if I’m under an alias. I realize the internet isn’t private by very definition, but hey: I do what I want. If it makes me feel even 1/100th of a milli*unit for measuring feeling* more secure, then by golly I’m gonna do it.

Onto more… err… explanatory material.
I’ll start with the run-of-the-mill introduction I deprived you of in my “about me” section

The name’s Cynthizard. If you’re wondering — rather, assuming — if this is a false name or nickname then you are 100% correct. (Yay. Good job. Give yourself a cookie. No. Make that 2 cookies.) Yes I realize this name isn’t a brain cruncher: you can easily figure out a related “real” name, make the assumption of it being my real name, and probably find out what I’m obsessed with. Good job again. That makes 3 cookies. (w00t)

Putting my currently sassy attitude aside, you may notice two other obscure names: Cyndiliuwho and The Jade Rabbit Chang’e. I’m not in a spill-your-guts-out mushy mood, so you get no real explanation for now on the origin or meanings of these names. You just need to know I’m not totally crazy (emphasis: totally) and that, like many things in life, the names have meaning. I’m not the kind of person who goes ” Oooo this word is cool! Imma use it for my screenname/username!” All of the names I use have some emotional resonance: I guess that’s one thing I revealed about myself without sass (well… without a lot of sass). Maybe one day when I’m more comfortable with blogging about this stuff (PFFT HAHAHAHA AS IF!) or when I’m in some weird mood or emotional funk (more likely) I’ll share that information with you. Maybe.

I guess I’ll add a few other stray facts: I’m an artist and proud to be one. I focus mainly on pencil sketches and photography, but I also expand at times to paintings, inkings, pottery etc. I love music and I’m in fact a pianist (though a subpar one :P). I have strange obsessions with random things (one of these things being Big cats i.e. the genus Panthera).


The image above clearly demonstrates my love for big cats and the fact that I like tinkering with photography manipulating programs like Photoshop. The flying lion is pretty isn’t it? (It’s a Nimbostratus Crimson Lion btw. *hehe for those who get it*)

I love love LOVE animals and I really want a puppy :P. 
Well, now that I’m tired of typing and too lazy to give a meaningful conclusion, that’ll be all: tah tah for now!

Lately I’ve been forgetting to use my drawing tablet

Which is bad because I’m already horribly out of practice and it can only get worse T.T

Plus I’ve never been good at coloring (just sketching), so that’s going to be a pain in the arse to do….


Luckily tomorrow there is no class or work so all I have to do is bother the Urgent Care Center and a Driving school and I’m free for the day.

Practice? We’ll see if I ever get to it…

Will post sketches and WIPs if I get around to it/take high quality-ish pics since I don’t have my printer/scanner.

When did it become the norm
To report every little thing
About yourself, or anyone else
As if life was just a book report,
And friends, English teachers.

When did we stop taking a real interest
In the lives of those around us
Not expecting people to just be open
But inquiring about their well-being
Making a real effort
To open them up to you, little by little.

When did things change?
When did the focus shift?
When did we learn to become passive listeners
Instead of active participants?

I know not the answer to any of this
Or why it has become such
I just know that this is not
How friendship is meant to be.