Just want a machine that blocks my mind’s infinite amount of defense mechanisms. A machine which basically makes me an incoherent bitch. That would give me the scariest yet most beautiful view of the world in every sense possible. An entrance into my biggest fear and biggest desire. Ignorance is a bliss.

I have no clue what is happening around here. Nobody tells me anything. Yeah, it could be worse but right now it sucks and I have the right to complain. It’s like I’m running around in the dark and I can’t see and I don’t know where I’m coming and I don’t know what is next. I hear gun shots and I can see tiny slivers of light but it is not enough. I’m losing this path that I had so carefully placed together before and I don’t know what to do. 


Talk about a throwback. Didn’t expect to see them but it was a pleasant surprise and after a short five minutes and an exchange of phone numbers it makes me think. Its clear I have options. Doors are opening wide for me. I could stop right here in what I thought was a dark long hallway and open a door and take a different road.
But also, it shows to me that all these doors are there for a reason. Its kind of a test I guess. People say that everything happens for a reason and I definitely believe that right now. Because I feel as though this is testing me to see if I can really get what I desire most.
And there is nothing I want more than what is at the end of this hallway. I want her and a beginning of a life with her. I want the apartment and I want to set out for college with her there to support me and for me to be able to help her also. So I’m going to keep working towards my original plan and what I want most.