Sam: Why are you here, Jess? Lucifer/Jess: Would you believe I’m trying to protect you? Sam: From what? Lucifer/Jess: You.Sooner or later the past is going to catch up to you like it always does. You know what happens then? People die. Baby, the people closest to you die.
Celebrating Supernatural - 23 Day Countdown Challenge Day 21 - Episode 3 Theme - Dean Winchester's Journal
Cas died today.
Zeke brought him back. And I brought him home.
You know, it’s still weird after all these years to have a place that we can call home. I mean, we always had Bobby’s, but it was his. The bunker – we’ve kinda just made it our own. And I’ve been reluctant to call it “home” outloud because, if I do that, it’s like it’s easier for someone to take it away from me. Just makes it too damn real. But there’s just no denying that’s what it is. I realized that today. Cas was standing at my desk, holding the picture of my mom and smiling like an idiot, and I just.. This is gonna make me sound like a fucking sap but, it just felt right. Like the idea of a home and a whole family that I haven’t had since I was kid was real and it was mine. And for a while there, all that noise, all that screaming, everything inside me just trying to crawl out – it was silent. Happiness almost seemed like an option. Or at least as happy as Winchesters get.
But just like that, it was gone.
Fucking Zeke, he made me choose. Him or Cas. Sam or Cas. That was my choice. No explanation. Nothing. Just a choice.
And how the hell do I make a choice like that? What the hell was I supposed to do? Zeke leaves, Sam dies. That’s it. Cas leaves.. he could survive, he could live. He has the chance to start a real life. To.. I don’t know, meet someone else, to be happy. And that’s enough for me.
So Zeke gets his way. Sammy lives. I keep lying. And I turn away my best friend. I mean, yeah, I could have told him the truth. He would have understood, he would have tried to help. But that’s the thing. Every time he tries to help me, Cas ends up dead. And I just can’t take that chance anymore. I’d rather keep on knowing he’s alive and doing his thing, than watch him die again. I just can’t.
So I’ll lie, I’ll live with the guilt, and I’ll let Cas go so he and Sam both can keep living. Because I can’t live in a world where they just don’t exist anymore. I won’t.
And Cas, that dumb sonuvabitch. He just looked at me and said he understood. He understood that I would always choose protecting my brother over him. He doesn’t get that sending him away was the last fucking thing I ever wanted to do. Not after spending months of practically begging him to stay. He doesn’t get that I’m poison, that I’m cancer, and being here, being with me, is just going to eat him alive.
I made the right choice.
I saved both their lives. They don’t never need to know it. Or what it cost me.