I'm Still Here, It's Okay

After a long hard battle I kept to myself, I’m still here. My parents don’t know about most of it and I know that’s not usually the best way to handle things by keeping them inside, but it’s for the best.

I believe I suffer from severe depression and have for quite some time now, but I have not been formally diagnosed with anything. I’m 15 years old going into my Sophomore year in High School, and I’ve had suicidal thoughts since probably 7th grade. I started slitting my wrists in the summer of 2012 I believe, when my parents started having a lot more arguments that were usually unfair and ended with my dad storming out of the house or to bed for the rest of the evening and my mother perfectly fine, as if she had won. I thought the arguments were my fault because I wasn’t doing my job by keeping my siblings from fighting and breaking things. The arguments usually started because of them, but I’m the most responsible obviously so I knew it was always my job as peacekeeper. Didn’t work too well..

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I’m conflicted
now –
as if
      everything has shifted,
and I’m not
whether I appreciate
the condolences
or not.

They keep
reiterating, regurgitating
their fallacies:
      get better, will
But I don’t want
not yet –
I haven’t spent
an eternity dealing
with this
emptiness you’ve
left me in.

How am I
supposed to heal?
Supposed to comprehend, when
this perpetuity
      compressed so
before me?

Sinking alone
your hand in mine
is like
without caring it’s

Trapped within Freedom

I’ve got so much in my life and constantly get reminders how privileged i am. I understand everyone makes mistakes. I do not cut myself or do self harm. I do not need to talk to my parents. My problems are not in my head. My problem is, I’m trapped. I’m trapped even though i’m free. I get excused as negative or need counseling. The people i see are not aware how i’m affected by other’s actions and responses. I’m surrounded by liars, hypocrites, users and people who think their helping. If you want to help me, you’ll either be my friend and get to know me or just leave me alone. Now i’m sure whoever reads this is asking the following: What’s my problem? and What started this?

I will try to make as much sense of my situation as i can. I am a very interesting person. I tell people who know me a lot of my secrets. The thing they don’t know is that those are the tip of the iceberg. They’d be shocked to know everything about me… but that’s irrelevant. I let certain people see different sides of me, Often that ends up biting me in the butt 90% of the time but sometimes, I just don’t care if it does. One side is a comical goof who spreads joy to (almost) anyone. Another is a very serious leader who wants to do right, but needs someone to seriously think about the words being said from my mouth. The side of my “depression” usually comes to light behind an electronic due to the fact i am not good showing emotion, This side to me is more of an emotion that reminisces about the good memories i once had. It’s not that i’m bipolar or out of control with my emotions, It’s that i forget what emotions except laughing and fear feel like and can’t really express them. I’m numb to it. I often act dramatic to show those emotions. Crying doesn’t mean you’re sad, It means you know you can’t explain what you’re feeling. 

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Dissociating? Ground Yourself.
  • Play a video game (Skyrim! Portal!), phone game (Bejeweled! Candy Crush!), or online game (CandyStandDress UpNeopetsBig FishRobot Unicorn).
  • Draw. Scribble away and feel how solid the materials are in your hands. Focus on the pressure of the utensil against paper. 
  • Write. Write one phrase over and over again if you must. “I am here,” is a good thing to write. Use a hard pen. Feel the pen slide over the page as you write. 
  • Close your eyes and breathe. Focus on your breathing. Count how many seconds it takes to breathe in, and then out. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Then again.
  • While breathing deeply with your eyes closed, try and recall five things you could see when you had your eyes open. Picture them vividly. Try to describe them.
  • Concentrate hard on the things you can currently feel. Try and pinpoint at least three distinct sensations.
  • Concentrate on the taste in your mouth, and what you can smell.
  • LIsten for any sounds. Concentrate on them.
  • Sit in a chair, with your back straight and your feet firmly planted on the ground. Feel how the ground feels under your feet, how the chair feels, how your body feels. Focus on the sensations from your body touching the ground and the chair.
  • Meditate! Lie down. Get comfortable. Close your eyes. Try to clear your mind and let all thoughts go through without paying attention to them. Acknowledge the thoughts, but don’t let them gain control. While you meditate it helps to do the deep breathing exercise at the same time.
  • Pet your animals. Cats, dogs, guinea pigs, whatever.
  • Hold an ice cube in your palm. It’s cold! Embrace the cold.
  • Listen to loud music. Metal and heavy rock can be especially good for grounding yourself.
  • Try to make a phone call to a friend. Focus on their voice. Holding a conversation is a great way to force yourself to stay grounded.
  • Try to find familiar smells. Sniff your pillow, your old stuffed animal, your parent’s perfume/cologne, your OWN perfume/cologne, deodorant, even garbage works. 
  • Find yourself a chant, such as “I’m here, and I’m real.” Chant this to yourself, over and over again, until you get tongue-tied.
  • Practice mindful walking. Walk very slowly around the perimeter of the room you are in, feeling every step as you go, and recognizing the solidity of the ground beneath your feet.
  • Visually ground yourself. Stare at objects. Touch them if you have to, but really look at it. Don’t stare downward, but look up and out and around. Notice the world around you. Focus on each individual aspect of it. Try listing the colors you see.
  • Try taking quizzes online. Personal quizzes, math refreshers, whatever. Quizzes will force you to attempt to recall facts.
High school,
A place where nobody will notice you or give two shits for you unless you’re dying.
High school,
A place you’re constantly told going to college and getting your diploma, extra credits, all form you into a better person yet fail to realize numbers don’t make you a better human being.
High school,
A place where you can be surrounded by friends and still feel alone. Out of a student body of 2000, you can’t find not one person to understand you.
High school,
A place where you’re engulfed in a swarm of people just trying to fit in by maintaining a profile they aren’t, all just to be accepted by those who could care less about them as individuals.
High school,
the place I will die from suffocation of all the madness
—  9/18/14 coletteamie
Rambling thoughts...

I feel so alone sometimes… I just want someone for a change to actually be here for me when my mind takes over and I’m swarmed with thoughts. My boyfriend just doesn’t get it…my thought process and my emotions…I want him to understand and he tries but it just doesn’t work out.. I just want someone to be there and not judge me while I cry. This all sucks because I try to mask my emotions in public but as soon as I’m home I crumble..

Self Care

Things to do when you’re feeling low or anxious:

Self Care- Physical

  • cleanse
  • wash your face
  • brush your teeth
  • have a shower
  • soak in the bath
  • brush your hair
  • file your nails
  • exercise
  • apply chapstick
  • drink water or tea
  • eat well
  • go for a walk- clear your mind
  • try attempting some yoga positions
  • stretch out
  • wrap up in your comfiest clothing- relax

Do little things that are positive, nurture yourself.

Self Care- Mental

  • read a book, poem, comic, lyrics etc 
  • listen to music
  • draw
  • take deep breaths 
  • meditate
  • talk to loved ones
  • try to establish a space just for yourself 
  • do something you’re good at- remind yourself you are talented 
  • try to establish a regular sleep pattern
  • remind yourself things can and will get better
  • light some candles, watch them flicker 
  • listen to an audiobook
  • list things you are grateful for
  • think about positive future plans
  • light incense sticks- focus on your senses

You have to remember you are strong, and you will be ok, give it time.

I know it gets hard, but it also gets better.

Insomnia can be pretty shit, especially when coupled with mental illness. So here is what to do:
You can easily Google insomnia and see what helps, but here I will list what I found extremely beneficial.

1) If you are depressed and over thinking or anxious and can’t stop turning around in bed or having obsessives thoughts or fears creep in, etc. Just get out of bed and do something else.

2) Most quick coping mechanism before sleep is distraction. Distract yourself from your thoughts or what is bothering you by doing something you like watching TV, reading or write down what’s in your head. Transferring thoughts onto paper always helps.

4) Avoid adding to your negative feelings, thus avoid being hard on yourself for not being able to sleep. Avoid thinking like ‘I will lose my life if I don’t sleep 8 hours tonight’.

5) Try meditation videos on YouTube. Have chamomile or milk with honey. Do light yoga. Whatever you do, try to relax as much as possible.

Remember, you are not alone, millions of people struggle to sleep at night. It is not the end of the world if you don’t sleep. Eventually you’ll be okay :)