Coercion is when you make the consequences to saying “no” to intimacy so great that it removes any reasonable choice. There is more obvious coercion, such as threats, either externally or internally directed. But I find that coercion just sort of organically arises when you believe that your partner, in that moment, owes you intimacy. If you think your partner owes you intimacy, and you are just “expressing your feelings,” there’s a good chance you’re being coercive. If your partner says “no,” and you start preparing for a fight instead of accepting their choice, you’re probably going to be coercive.
5

We had conversations about whether or not we should still do it…In the end we thought ‘fuck it,’… It’s still an important thing to talk about and if people draw comparisons to what’s happened with certain YouTubers then by all means let them, but it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it." - Jack Howard [talking about Jack & Dean’s video Consent]

Exclusive to TenEighty. Read the full article here.
For more Jack and Dean pictures, see our other photo-set here.

Photos by Rebecca Need-Menear.

on teaching women to say 'no'

Pyramid is the only ‘normal’ club I ever go to, and every time I’ve been has only reaffirmed how pointless the “Women just need to learn to be direct!” meme is.

I am always direct. My “No”s, “Do NOT touch me”s, “I don’t want to dance”es, “Go away”s have no effect. This is the understanding of consent that many men have.

After telling one guy “No, I don’t dance like this” [pelvic grinding] three times, he came over, proclaimed “I HAVE to dance with you,” grabbed me by the hip and forced himself against me. I told him, “Dude, I’ve told you no four times.” He didn’t grab me again, but he did continue to hover and probably would have grinded on me again if I hadn’t ignored him.

I am always direct. I am rarely overtly hostile, because I’m in a good, friendly mood, don’t want to spoil my evening, and don’t want to create potentially hostile or dangerous situations. But my denial of consent is very rarely respected, until I become hostile, and even then it is not 100% effective. Like, if I threaten to hurt someone for touching me, instead of touching me again, he’ll just hover nearby and watch me.

So, this is just an illustration. I always encourage people to be direct, and I think it’s a positive step for women to learn to be direct, but don’t act like *women* changing their behavior is the solution to a problem of *men’s* behavior.

It’s easy to say “don’t give people so much power to hurt you,” but that does not address our need for connection and acceptance. It does not account for the very healthy impulse to seek feedback on our perceptions of the world. I believe that the healthiest person, when persistently rejected, will witness either an erosion of their mental boundaries or an erosion of their ability to engage in intimacy. I also believe that the only way to maintain good mental boundaries, to counteract social rejection, and to assess when to disengage, is to have strong self-knowledge and self-confidence, and to engage in self-compassion and care. In other words, to engage in behaviors that build your self-esteem.

We were grabbing a bite of lunch at a small cafe, in a mall, right across from a booth that sold jewelry and where ears could be pierced for a fee. A mother approaches with a little girl of six or seven years old. The little girl is clearly stating that she doesn’t want her ears pierced, that’s she’s afraid of how much it will hurt, that she doesn’t like earrings much in the first place. Her protests, her clear ‘no’ is simply not heard. The mother and two other women, who work the booth, begin chatting and trying to engage the little girl in picking out a pair of earrings. She has to wear a particular kind when the piercing is first done but she could pick out a fun pair for later.

"I don’t want my ears pierced."

"I don’t want any earrings."

The three adults glance at each other conspiratorially and now the pressure really begins. She will look so nice, all the other girls she knows wear earrings, the pain isn’t bad.

She, the child, sees what’s coming and starts crying. As the adults up the volume so does she, she’s crying and emitting a low wail at the same time. “I DON’T WANT MY EARS PIERCED.”

Her mother leans down and speaks to her, quietly but strongly, the only words we could hear were ‘… embarrassing me.’

We heard, then, two small screams, when the ears were pierced.

Little children learn early and often that ‘no doesn’t mean no.’

Little children learn early that no one will stand with them, even the two old men looking horrified at the events from the cafeteria.

Little girls learn early and often that their will is not their own.

No means no, yeah, right.

Most often, for kids and others without power, ”no means force.”

— 

from "No Means Force" at Dave Hingsburger’s blog.

This is important. It doesn’t just apply to little girls and other children, though it often begins there.

For the marginalized, our “no’s” are discounted as frivolous protests, rebelliousness, or anger issues, or we don’t know what we’re talking about, or we don’t understand what’s happening.

When “no means force” we become afraid to say no.

Watch on buttonpoetry.tumblr.com

Britteney Conner - “Consent” (Rustbelt 2014)

"We live in a society where film will not show a woman’s face in orgasm, but they will in abuse."

A powerful piece about the meaning of consent. Show this poem to all the people who need to see it.

Please

Please do not post pictures of our dead, dying, or severely injured brothers and sisters in Palestine. It is extremely dehumanizing, and ineffective as people grow desensitized to the images. Most of the photos of the victims of the attacks are taken without consent. Although we must bring attention to the atrocities occurring, it is perhaps just as important if not more to maintain the human dignity of our brothers and sisters.

Watch on oneawkwardcookie.tumblr.com

Why aren’t more people talking about this?!?

To me, this is one of the most disturbing pro-life arguments: that consent to one particular act equals consent to another.

If you consent to making out with your partner and they pressure you to have sex, it is rape. If you consent to sex using a condom and your partner does not use one, it is rape. If you consent to oral sex and your partner pressures you into intercourse, it is rape.

Consent to one act is not consent to another. Consent is freely given, not out of fear or circumstance. Consent is a continuous yes that can be revoked at any time.

The argument that consent to sex equals consent to pregnancy is creepy rape apologist nonsense that betrays complete ignorance of what consent is and how it works. Please stop.

We were grabbing a bite of lunch at a small cafe, in a mall, right across from a booth that sold jewelry and where ears could be pierced for a fee. A mother approaches with a little girl of six or seven years old. The little girl is clearly stating that she doesn’t want her ears pierced, that’s she’s afraid of how much it will hurt, that she doesn’t like earrings much in the first place. Her protests, her clear ‘no’ is simply not heard. The mother and two other women, who work the booth, begin chatting and trying to engage the little girl in picking out a pair of earrings. She has to wear a particular kind when the piercing is first done but she could pick out a fun pair for later.

"I don’t want my ears pierced."

"I don’t want any earrings."

The three adults glance at each other conspiratorially and now the pressure really begins. She will look so nice, all the other girls she knows wear earrings, the pain isn’t bad.

She, the child, sees what’s coming and starts crying. As the adults up the volume so does she, she’s crying and emitting a low wail at the same time. “I DON’T WANT MY EARS PIERCED.”

Her mother leans down and speaks to her, quietly but strongly, the only words we could hear were ‘… embarrassing me.’

We heard, then, two small screams, when the ears were pierced.

Little children learn early and often that ‘no doesn’t mean no.’
— 

Rolling Around In My Head: No Means Force

HOW THE FUCK IS IT EVEN LEGAL to force a child to have their ears pierced?

…oh, right. Nobody gives a fuck about what children want.

If anyone ever expresses that they do not want to talk to you or be touched
  • Please take this seriously (no they don’t want you to jokingly poke them)
  • Understand that what may not seem like a big deal to you can be perceived very differently but no less genuinely by them. 
  • Understand that although sometimes they may be willing to be talked to and touched by you or others at other times, this is not always the case.
  • Don’t be offended, they’re not trying to be rude and it’s usually not personal.
  • You should never touch someone who doesn’t want you to anyway.

Respect personal and social boundaries. 

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