condition

"For each one are successive [angels] before and behind him who protect him by the decree of Allah . Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves. And when Allah intends for a people ill, there is no repelling it. And there is not for them besides Him any patron."

- Surat Ar-Rad | Verse 11

I’d like you all to read this if you don’t mind. It’s quite personal and i’m asking for help. Plus people have been asking what’s the surgery was for: 

The procedure was called Thoracic Sympathectomy and it’s the burning of your nervous system’s nerves - between the brain and palms. The process completely stops sweating (hyperhydrosis) in the palms. (i got rid of my underarm sweating when i was 16 with Driclor and it never returned). This was what started my anxiety in the first place. It then developed further through being paranoid about my deafness. I was worried i’d never fit in college after growing up and being accepted as a deaf guy with friends in primary and high school. Hardly any of my friends were going to the college i went to, so most people wouldn’t be familiar with a deaf person. This resulted in me not telling anyone i was deaf in college and pretended i didn’t need support - i just wanted to fit in well. (ridiculous i know - i 100% needed an interpreter and notetaker in class AND YOU CAN FIT IN WELL IF YOU’RE DEAF FOR CHRISTS SAKES. PEOPLE ENJOY TALKING TO DEAF PEOPLE THEY FIND IT INTERESTING, AND WE ARE INTERESTING TYVM!!!!). Of course this resulted in me becoming quite awkward and detaching myself from lessons and going into college. I luckily passed with good grades. Then it progressively got worse, working full time in such a hands on business. Coming out as gay with my family was also difficult at a time and i worried i wouldn’t be accepted by them, but they were very supportive of me and that is no longer an issue. i love them all very much. The final blow was 2014 which really broke me. It was both the worst and best year of my life. Best because it was the most educational. Worst for a lot of personal reasons. I got anxiety attacks, refused to go to certain places. And small things can be the biggest. For example if i get nervous in an ordinary situation my mind goes blank and i can’t process thoughts, control what i do or think of what to say. This causes me to act out of character, to become very tense and quiet and results in some very embarrassing situations and it makes me very very uncomfortable.

So, sweating in the palms was the dreaded signal that i was getting anxious. I tackled this issue head on. The operation was successful, my right hand no longer gets clammy. In March they will operate on my left side. This means my hand clamminess won’t be the reminder when i’m nervous and should reduce the amount of anxiety attacks i have. Next, i just need to focus on tackling anxiety psychologically and in terms of behavioural processing. Hopefully i will get on meds to help too, but i don’t want to get too reliant on these, i want to be able to control it MYSELF. I want to become a stronger person and i’m working on that.

I have never really spoken about this online before because it’s a load of waffle, VERY PERSONAL and to be quite frank a boring pile of SHITE, but i think that’s what was wrong with me. I wasn’t being honest with myself and everyone else. People need to be aware that i have this disorder and if you can - please, please help me understand that there is nothing to be afraid of if i ever seem nervous or shaky and make situations easier for me if you can help it. Once you are chill with me and i just relax and become myself again. It happens at social events, gatherings, bumping into each other in town, meeting new people (shopping queues are awful as well) etc. I find alcohol is a very helpful substitute, but i know it is NOT the answer. If the medication helps then great, if not, then i want to learn how to control it myself. 

I hope one day i will get there and i hope that i was able to help lots of others who may have this condition/disorder. Some links below to help you guys if you suffer the same thing, don’t worry about it, these past few weeks i have learnt it is EXTREMELY COMMON. Anxiety affects 1/3 people in their lifespan. A large amount of us carry it mildly, but there are some more extreme cases like myself. And those who suffer so badly they have developed agoraphobia. 

Driclor (completely stopped my underarm sweating and built my confidence like crazy - you can try it on hands but it didnt work for me. Expect uncomfortable burning the first few applications.) : http://www.boots.com/…/Driclor-Solution-Roll-On-Applicator…/

What is Thoracic Sympathectomy? (this stops Palmer Hyperhydrosis) and is a good step on your journey to stop anxiety (PLEASE READ THE SIDE EFFECTS THERE ARE RISKS AND I TOOK THEM BECAUSE FUCKING YOLO):  http://www.circulationfoundation.org.uk/…/endoscopic-thora…/

My next steps are medication and counselling. If you have anyyyyyy more Q’s just inbox me or comment and i will be more than happy to help. 

Here’s to FUCKING ANXIETY THE FUCK OFF

Cheers!