The Night Vale Medical Board wants to know, are you heart-healthy? How healthy is your heart? Have you ever checked? Doctors recommend checking your heart at least once a year. Simply separate the skin on your upper chest, and break open the ribs. Here’s a tip: If you don’t have a bone saw handy, just sterilize any old electric saw you might have in your work shed.

Right behind your ribs, kind of to the left, is a potato-shaped muscle lump filled with straw and maybe some insects. That’s your heart! Pull that out and sew your chest back up. Wash your heart in warm water, pat dry with a paper towel, and roll flat on a floured surface. Brown both sides in a sauté pan, and eat immediately.

Remember, a healthy heart is a healthy life!

— 

Welcome to Night Vale

Episode 32 - Yellow Helicopters

OKAY, JUST NO. I found this photo looking under the tag “weight-loss”. There are no words to explain how strongly I disagree with this. This is no “applauding”. It’s growling because your body needs fuel to live.. It’s not at a play, it is not at a concert, it is not applauding. You know how you can’t drive a car without gas or fuel? Our body works the same way. Your body can’t survive nor run on with little or no food. You have to eat at LEAST your BMR. Stll, that is quite low and you need to eat more than that. Your BMR tells you how much calories you burn just by breathing, living, sitting, etc. So please, don’t listen to this post. You NEED food and especially when your stomach is rumbling/growling. Actually, It’s not even really growling either, as it’s not a person or animal. You just need food.

Right behind your ribs, kind of to the left, is a potato-shaped muscle lump filled with straw and maybe some insects. That’s your heart! Pull that out and sew your chest back up. Wash your heart in warm water, pat dry with a paper towel, and roll flat on a floured surface. Brown both sides in a sautee pan, and eat immediately. Remember, a healthy heart is a healthy lifestyle!
—  Cecil, “Yellow Helicopters”

Listeners. Are you suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you enjoying carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you surprised by carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you enraged by carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you feel a throbbing sadness that you almost cannot stand from carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you feel a bounty of love and appreciation for your fellow human beings traveling through this confusing and finite lifetime with you…from carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you get sexually aroused by carpal tunnel syndrome? That…would be weird.

Not to be judgmental! But…it would be weird.

This has been Community Health Tips!

—  Welcome to Night Vale, Episode 10 “Feral Dogs”
The Night Vale medical board wants to know: Are you heart healthy? How healthy is your heart? Have you ever checked? Doctors recommend checking your heart at least once a year. Simply separate the skin on your upper chest and break open the ribs. Here’s a tip: if you don’t have a bone saw handy, just sterilize any old electric saw you might have in your work shed. Right behind your ribs, kind of to the left, is a potato shaped muscle lump filled with straw and maybe some insects. That’s your heart! Pull that out, and sew your chest back up. Wash your heart in warm water, pat dry with a paper towel, and roll flat on a floured surface. Brown both sides in a saute pan, and eat immediately. Remember: a healthy heart is a healthy life. This has been community health tips.
—  Welcome to Night Vale, Ep.32 “Yellow Helicopters”

Two thirds of Americans are not drinking enough water. To figure out how much water you should be drinking daily, follow this simple calculation: Multiply your weight in grams by the number of arbitrary guidelines of attractiveness set by a media standard you cannot possibly hope to achieve. Divide this number by your current jeans size. Take this number, write it down, and throw it in the trash. Drink wine instead. As always: if you see something, say nothing, shoot all yellow helicopters on sight, and drink to forget. 

The Greater Night Vale Medical Community recommends that you scream at the terror of the void and question the point of reality for at least 30 minutes per day, five days per week. Do this for optimal health, and to remember your lack of significance in the universe.

Night Vale Community Health Tips

The Center for Disease Control issued a warning about… something, yesterday. We’re not really sure /what/ it was; we deleted the email by accident.
Sorry about that.
Just be on the lookout for anything that would threaten your existence or other wise make you “uncomfortable”

And now, community health tips.

I recently caught some… throat spiders. Yes. Throat spiders. This is what happens when you visit Night Vale and forget to wash your hands. Your voice goes all… high. And chirpy. Very chirpy. Remember to take at least 20 seconds to wash your hands, listeners. Try singing “I take my warmth from your great warmth,” the popular chant, a few times through to pass the time. Also, avoid touching someone who has throat spiders. Burn anything that someone with throat spiders touches. Also, avoid existence in the presence of someone who has throat spiders.

This has been Community Health Tips.

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