So last night I was awoken by the sound of my bowl being placed down on my computer desk sloppily. As I was getting ready to disregard it, I realized that it was not leaning against anything, nor was it on top of any small that would lead to it being shifted. Based on the laws of physics, it was impossible for this bowl to have any movement. I laid silently with my back to the desk as I realized this. I slowly swallowed the fact that the only possible way it could have been moved was by an outside force. A person? A ghostly apparition? I was shortly excited by the notion that I may be getting a ghost blowjob, a la Ghostbusters, but that that’s silly, ghosts can’t touch anyone. If this was true, I would’ve received a gbj a long time ago. I finally faced the music, there is a human behind me. I decided to just keep my back turned and let whatever happens, happen. Then I thought to myself. “Do I really want to go out like a bitch!? My back turned to my assailant!” I have to turn around. I have to know. I took in a deep breath and rolled over to look at the desk. Nothing was there. I scanned the room. By this time I’ve been laying in the dark so long, the very little light from the window illuminated the room. Nothing. Nothing at all. This is usually the point where one would have fallen asleep, but I spent the rest of my night making a mental list of who would put a hit on me and cross referencing it with who would be cowardly enough to send a ninja.
The point is, whoever you are. Your ninja failed you. I was smarter. I was faster. I am stronger. My mental alarm system alerted me that an enemy was in my presence. So send another ninja. Send one hundred ninjas! I’ll kill them all, and come back to your house and ninja you! Please! Please, please, please keep sending ninjas!
Actually, please don’t.