I never have dreams but when I do I analyze every detail to figure out why my subconscious is yelling at me.
There comes a point where you have to simply stop, observe and readjust everything and everyone in your life. (I do this every few months) That moment when you realize you are alone, truly, is when this happens for me. It does not matter if you have found people who belong to your soul family - every single one of us is utterly alone. I’ve heard that repeated over and over and it never hit me until recently.
The moment I realized that I couldn’t hear Louis’ wisdom, thoughts, hear his rants or obnoxious laugh.. a huge part of me left and I will never get it back. I’ve been constantly trying to fill this gigantic void not only in my heart but my mind… and I truly think that is the hardest part of this experience. I’m sure you’ve heard “you can trick your mind,” that is fucking bullshit - you trick your waking thoughts / your conscious… your subconscious is so far beyond anything you could ever imagine.
I’ve started taking steps back from everyone, it doesn’t matter who you are or how much I love you. I need to love myself more than I love others. I need to accomplish my goals, I need to quit bullshitting and I need to go past the standard I hold myself to in general. Loving people is hard, especially when you try to give them your wisdom for their knowledge and they throw their own assumptions in and become bitter over their own ideals wrapped around your pure light you tried to shine on them. Every single day I try to become a better person based off of knowledge of others, experience or literally any single thing that comes into my daily life. Nothing is enough, or so it seems, and at times I get so exhausted and frustrated.. all I want to do is just cry for what seems like forever.
The only advice I could ever give anyone is never… ever, ever, ever take advantage of the time that is available. I never regret anything in my life because there is no room for regret. Every day I regret taking advantage of the time I had with Louis. I know I can’t progress without letting that go.. I’m sure I’ve said these same things before.. I know he’s here… I know every single detail of the life we dreamed up since we were 11 will come true… I just never thought I’d be alone.
Most people sit there and have goals, aspirations and standards for themselves that they believe they accomplish on a daily basis. I guarantee nearly every single one of them does not accomplish nearly half of their beliefs or ideals of themselves on a daily basis. Success comes in various forms because not one single person is the same. Just because you succeed in one area does not make you a successful person. Successful beings grow daily for their own betterment, whatever that may mean to you. Don’t make believe - Do. It’s so easy and nearly half of us refuse, quit being brainwashed.
Less than 330 days until I no longer reside in Texas.