Dreams of burning. S. D. What is happening?
That’s all. Just. That.
I still. Do not. Have. A. Job.
Terror soaks into me.
Last night’s dream: Featured Julie L (a friend from HS that I saw in NYC in January at that conference) and also her mother and her dream sister (she actually does not have a sister in real life).
In the dream: Julie’s father is a sadistic murderer.
In the dream, I go to her house. I’m visiting. The father is swarthy… He is dark, brown smooth skin, tall, with dark eyes and a perfectly chisled face.
In contrast. We are all light: us girls. Julie has hair like Dr. R, she is small like Dr. R, but blonde. Her mother is blonde too.
And… Oh. The sister, she looks like me, sort of: small, with rounded hips, pale, her nose strong, her eyes sad, with long blond hair.
This sister: in the dream, at the house: she breaks the rules.
She does something wrong. (Today now, I don’t know what she did wrong.)
The father – we are all watching, watching this, it is such sick horror. And she’s done wrong, so: he ties her to a bed, and..
He lights her on fire.
She doesn’t scream. Her face is so calm. But.. Her body is lit up immediately. She’s silent. But her hair ignites, a torch of blonde hair becoming black in the flames, her face then melting, and I can’t look away, I am screaming and so is Julie and so is her mother and it is the most horrific thing, the sister, the older sister, her hair, (oh her hair, just like mine!) her whole body, burning, still tied to that bed, and I am actively screaming as I wake up.
I woke K up, with my shout. It… Was panic. I didn’t cry. But I was so fucking freaked out.
Heart… It won’t still. It is.. death. It is. What?
What is this, but sheer terror?
Dr. R… After I tell her about this weekend and my pushing the fucking door a bit wider, more and more.. today, telling her just a few details before closing off again and staying silent on her analytic couch, staring up out the window at the tree there, not speaking.
She asks me today:
– what is it, that we are doing in here, that makes you so terrified?
What is making you want him so badly?
Why is it so hard for you to tell me what’s really happening, for you, with this “bad boy,” this stranger guy, the pull to draw him into your intimacy, to connect with him even though you barely know him? Why is it so hard to tell me what’s happening with your feelings?
Do you think I would burn you alive for feeling lust?
And, not just with this guy, this perfect escape, this new man who clearly seems drawn to you too,
but also… with S: why would seeing him, hurt you this badly?
And I just laugh and I can’t reply because I don’t want to feel this, I just… don’t want to.
(To say aloud, out loud, that my reptile brain is strong and I can’t fight it? That maybe I’m tired of fighting it?)
I had no idea.
Why was the father dark? Is it K, maybe?
Is it Dr R?
It may be S. (oh, it is, probably. S.)
Is it because, after 8 months with not seeing him, after all those months of mourning. Grieving. I missed him. Longed for him to touch me again, his fingers on me, to feel my skin on his, again. And then: remembering. Our friendship, how it was suddenly gone, crushed into nothing, all lost, on the day he left me for her, left me for A.
The way I cried on the balcony, and S touched my back and said, I have to choose her, because you, you C, you do not want to lose what you have with K. I can’t take that away from you. You’d never forgive me.
And I cried and then calmed, and kissed his cheek in gratitude, to say goodbye, and I saw his sadness, and yet felt like my heart had been ripped right out of my desperately raw chest.
Is it because, after all that time and distance – I saw S, with A, last month, when they visited here for S&D’s wedding in April?
Did seeing him again destabilize me this much?
Is it… because I wanted him to see, just a tiny peek, a tiny glimmer, of my feelings, even now?
(i must remember: I love K so much it aches inside of me.)
But somehow –
I do not even know, myself. I do not know myself.
I’m burning alive. Burning, and it feels so good, so fucking good.