It ended before it began...
It’s so very hard to articulate how I’m feeling today…deep sadness of course but muddled with so many other feelings.
My “pregnancy” was very short lived…my guess is it probably came to an “end” on Monday or Tuesday at 5weeks. I only just starting spotting and to add insult to injury, the 3 ibuprofen tablets are not dulling the stabbing AF pains in my back and abdomen.
I feel so confused about this loss…to me the term “bio-chemical” that precedes the word pregnancy doesn’t make this feel any less of a loss. In the blissful days following the BFP I was so unsure of how to feel about the pregnancy…in part because it was so hard to believe, but also because after years of infertility I didn’t know how to feel pregnant…like I was a bit of an imposter! Now that I’ve lost my pregnancy, I don’t feel like I can legitimately mourn this as a miscarriage since it wasn’t “clinical”! Clearly I’m over thinking this, but honestly, feeling it is far too difficult right now. I feel so cheated…I actually believed for a moment.
I’m also pissed off at the system in this country…why not do betas? Why leave us tortured waiting a week between tests to see if the pregnancy sticks! It’s just totally shit!!!
In the few days that I allowed myself to look forward I found out the due date (June 25th), I fantasised about maternity leave…I sneaked looks at baby things, making a mental note for 4 months time! Against my instinct, I downloaded pregnancy apps (which I have since promptly deleted)…I saw the look in DH’s eyes and now I know…I know how amazing it feels…I know how ecstatic DH and my family would be…I know! Fuck. That’s all I’ve been able to say, over and over. Fuck.
I can’t un-know all this stuff. I can’t forget. There is no delete button.
I just don’t know why IF keeps destroying any zen I build. I was healing and once again I have a new fresh scar that honestly feels worse than any other so far. I know so many people in IF community who have suffered far far worse and I honestly am humbled by how incredibly brave they are.
I don’t know what we do next. It’s too early to think about it. I know I’m not ready to stop trying, I’m just scared that if we try too long we destroy the chance of other options.
To top it all off…work is shit. Seriously and totally shit. Got bad news today about contracts I manage. Apparently the Universe gave me a little and then shed a ton of shit on me as a punishment for bring happy for a moment! I feel like such a mug for allowing myself to believe.