chemical pregnancy

It ended before it began...

It’s so very hard to articulate how I’m feeling today…deep sadness of course but muddled with so many other feelings.

My “pregnancy” was very short lived…my guess is it probably came to an “end” on Monday or Tuesday at 5weeks. I only just starting spotting and to add insult to injury, the 3 ibuprofen tablets are not dulling the stabbing AF pains in my back and abdomen.

I feel so confused about this loss…to me the term “bio-chemical” that precedes the word pregnancy doesn’t make this feel any less of a loss. In the blissful days following the BFP I was so unsure of how to feel about the pregnancy…in part because it was so hard to believe, but also because after years of infertility I didn’t know how to feel pregnant…like I was a bit of an imposter! Now that I’ve lost my pregnancy, I don’t feel like I can legitimately mourn this as a miscarriage since it wasn’t “clinical”! Clearly I’m over thinking this, but honestly, feeling it is far too difficult right now. I feel so cheated…I actually believed for a moment.

I’m also pissed off at the system in this country…why not do betas? Why leave us tortured waiting a week between tests to see if the pregnancy sticks! It’s just totally shit!!!

In the few days that I allowed myself to look forward I found out the due date (June 25th), I fantasised about maternity leave…I sneaked looks at baby things, making a mental note for 4 months time! Against my instinct, I downloaded pregnancy apps (which I have since promptly deleted)…I saw the look in DH’s eyes and now I know…I know how amazing it feels…I know how ecstatic DH and my family would be…I know! Fuck. That’s all I’ve been able to say, over and over. Fuck.

I can’t un-know all this stuff. I can’t forget. There is no delete button.

I just don’t know why IF keeps destroying any zen I build. I was healing and once again I have a new fresh scar that honestly feels worse than any other so far. I know so many people in IF community who have suffered far far worse and I honestly am humbled by how incredibly brave they are.

I don’t know what we do next. It’s too early to think about it. I know I’m not ready to stop trying, I’m just scared that if we try too long we destroy the chance of other options.

To top it all off…work is shit. Seriously and totally shit. Got bad news today about contracts I manage. Apparently the Universe gave me a little and then shed a ton of shit on me as a punishment for bring happy for a moment! I feel like such a mug for allowing myself to believe.

We suffered a chemical pregnancy / early miscarriage

It happened last night… Right after I told him the great news… I started cramping… And then the blood and clots came.. All night… I’ve never been this hurt in my entire life… How can only person have to suffer from losing 2 babies in a row? I can’t handle this.. I just… Idk. Seeing my man upset is killing me. He wanted this baby more than anything..

RIP my little angels.
1/26/15
4/19/15

This is going to be an emotional post.

This blog is first and foremost a record of my life as a mama. That was my intention when I started it.

For that reason, I feel the need to post about something incredibly personal and difficult.

About two weeks ago I got a positive pregnancy test. And then another. And another. They were faint, but there. And gradually getting darker.

Javier and I were so so excited. We have been hoping for another baby since Julisabel was only a couple months old.

After two chemical pregnancies, and a fast approaching deployment, we had given up.

But then we saw that faint little line…

After getting so so excited, and even telling some of our family and friends, today we discovered that I am no longer pregnant.

It’s one of those things that is just not easy…. No matter what. But I also know that it will be ok. I’m so grateful for my sweet Bella and the amazing blessing she is in my life.

I really believe we will have another child… Maybe even a few… And that the timing will be perfect when it happens…

But right now… It just really sucks. My body hurts… And my heart hurts.

Today.

I went to get a baseline ultrasound today to see if my miscarriage was going (for lack of a better word) well. And he seems to think everything is fine and though at first he wanted me to wait another cycle before starting I assured him I was ready! So he sent me home with 3 needles of follitrope (Korean version of follistim) I just gave myself a shot in the tummy and to my surprise it wasn’t as bad as I thought~ kinda weird but the needle was small so I didn’t even feel it! After all that I had to go to the 보건소 (public health department) to process some paperwork! The Korean government pays 500,000₩ for every IUI cycle! Amazing! We’ll probably have to pay for some out of pocket but it won’t be much! I am just so excited at the possibilities this month! Trying to stay positive and just healthy~~

Sigh.

Why did I have to be over a week late, get two positives, then negatives the following days, sore boobs, then spotting?

One intense night of pain and blood and now…. Spotting again. What the hell. I’m pretty heartbroken and confused as to what just happened to my body. Just a sad day for me I guess.

A Little Bit Pregnant...

Yes, I’m technically pregnant. The nurse called this afternoon, my beta was 19.9, and she said “you are pregnant.” But, we all know that 19.9 is pretty low for a beta. This is most likely, a chemical pregnancy, that will end with me getting my period in the next few days. I’m going to keep taking the progesterone, of course, in the hopes that this is a viable pregnancy. I go back to the clinic on Tuesday for another beta. If we’ve doubled (really, more than doubled at that point), this could be it! If not… well. Yeah.

Overall, we are happy. We are actually thrilled. We are even embracing this! We are (a little bit) pregnant for the very first time. And, on our first IVF. We are so encouraged. Of course, this might work out, and I pray it does. But, we now have so much more hope for IVF in general. We’ve already come further than ever before. And, we’re going to enjoy this moment, knowing fully that it probably won’t last.

Tomorrow morning I will be taking a home pregnancy test (or three). And, I better damn see two lines. I’ve earned them.

One week since heartbreak...

I really have learnt to roll with the punches. I’ve always been quite tough…emotionally resilient, but the past few weeks have tested me once again. The whole “I’m pregnant…oh hang on, not anymore” episode rocked me to my core…I thought I’d been sad before, but apparently sadness that comes after insane happiness is on another level.

That said, I’ve learnt to compartmentalise my life and that’s how I can move forward…I went to work on Friday and held the tears back…I went to see George Michael and the Royal Albert Hall on Saturday…and although I did cry during “you have been loved”, I was ok! I’ve continued to function and smile and laugh and exist. I have chosen not to give in to the sadness and the heartache and I know that’s the right decision. It’s not easy but it’s what I need to do.

Problem is, the rest of life is really giving it to me with both barrels…work is beyond shit, with two of my teams at risk (one is definitely going at the end of the financial year) and the other could go in the next year. I know that the whole world is a mess at the moment, but in my role I have to keep supporting people, listening to their problems and allowing them the room to offload. I just feel like my threshold is really near breaking point some days. I might just tell the wrong person to fuck off.

And to top it all off, my husband, who is always amazing has really been finding this loss very difficult. The thing is I can’t talk about it or ask him how he is without him getting defensive and snappy. I know we all mourn differently but I’m finding it really difficult. He’s the kind of person who shuts down when he’s struggling and although I understand this, when I’m feeling vulnerable it just makes me feel rejected. When I was pregnant, for those couple of weeks (even before the BFP) he treated me like a queen…he couldn’t do enough for me! When we got the clear blue “Pregnant 1-2” he literally rolled around the bed like a little kid who had been surprised with a trip to Disneyland! It’s different now - he is still loving in a quiet way, but he doesn’t look at me the way he did…and I know it’s not me…I know he’s lost this pregnancy too and I know that looking at me must remind him of that. Even with that knowledge, it hurts. We are going away for the weekend…a night in London…I just hope it cheers DH up…i can cope with my pain, but I really can’t see his pain…it kills me.

But despite the pain and the stress, there is still a peace inside me…I just need to keep a hold of that! The world definitely looks different after this experience though…I’ll never go past a Frankie and Benny’s without thinking about our first pregnancy…and bizarrely “Moves like Jagger” just makes me feel a little sad now…it was the first song I heard when I went in for my EC and the first song I heard after the embabes were put back on board. It’s the little (and ridiculous) things that remind me that although I only reached 5 and a half weeks, I actually did get pregnant…it really is bittersweet.

CP update

I am still spotting…. Way longer than how long my AF’s last. Is this normal during a CP? It’s not a lot or anything just out of the ordinary for me. I also don’t know if the day I started counts as a “period” and I will ovulate during normal time? Or if my stuff will be all crazy now and I should wait to see when my period gets back on track.


I’ve also been extremely emotional. Is this also normal after a CP? Like crazy emotional like I was when I was pregnant. I’ve been bawling over stupid stuff and snapping over stupid stuff… Do hormones get all out of whack after a chemical? I don’t know much about these and want to know from some of you mommies who have been through one before. I haven’t told many people about this stuff because I can’t really handle the reaction and I just want to stay positive for the future. But I need to talk to someone!

daggerbones asked:

So I had an issue where I had had my period for three weeks and a sharp pain in my lower left abdomen. After seeing my gyn today, they informed me that I had experienced a chemical pregnancy, or early miscarriage. I'm not feeling a loss, as I do not want to be pregnant at this time. Rather, I'm feeling irrationally irresponsible. I take my pill at the same time each day. My bf and I are monogamous. I'm very responsible. But I can't get over feeling like I did something wrong. Any advice?

First off, I just want to say that I’m glad you’re okay! When I read that you had your period for three weeks I got nervous (because I’ve never heard that before, but then I read the rest and it made sense).

You didn’t do anything wrong. I mean, you didn’t even know you were pregnant, but even if you did, there wasn’t anything you could have done. Some things just happen, for better or worse, and we don’t have control over them. And if you meant you feel like you did something wrong for getting pregnant in the first place, well that happens to tons of people.

You sound like a very responsible person in a caring and safe relationship, but once agin, sometimes things just happen.

I would just encourage you to keep living your life, because it’s still just you and your boyfriend. You are only responsible for you (not you and a child) right now, and in that comes taking care of yourself. Monitor yourself to make sure you’re feeling alright over these next few weeks, and make sure to follow any orders the doc gave you.

Once again, I’m very happy that you are alright! xx

Padded Cell.

I had some really bad PMS cramps this morning… so bad that they ALMOST felt like the times before when I was miscarrying.

If you’ve followed me for long you know that I DO NOT get a positive test until AFTER I have lost the baby. It makes NO sense and it makes me feel INSANE because I proceed to test even after a period to make sure I am NOT miscarrying.

I had my IUI on April 6th and I had three days of spotting 17 days after ovulation. Today is only day 22 of what I suspect would be the next cycle if you consider the second heavier spotting day as CD1. That is early, even for me, to get a period.

So, naturally I jump to this insane conclusion that after I finish bleeding I need to run out and take pregnancy tests.

My body has literally driven me insane. So insane that I fear I am going to keep all my suspicions locked up inside me because I don’t even feel safe enough to tell them to K. It isn’t that she isn’t supportive but that I now feel like I am going to convince her that I am insane.

If my body was completely normal and gave me a positive BEFORE a miscarriage instead of AFTER then I wouldn’t feel so lost and confused 99% of the time. I am so tired of being DIFFERENT! I just want a normal, functioning body that can carry a healthy pregnancy to term! 

I wanted this TTC break to be a nice mental and hormonal release so that I can start anew when we have more funds to continue, however, this apparently isn’t the case.

Robert, I will love you for the rest of my life.

Last Wednesday I found out I was pregnant. I was excited, petrified but mostly overcome with love for the little one growing inside me that we called “Poppy Seed” who I somehow knew was a boy. I would sing to him at night and talk to him and tell him how much he surprised us but that his Mommy and Daddy loved him with all their hearts. I was 6 and a half weeks along in my pregnancy when I started bleeding. God had a different plan for Poppy Seed and decided that he needed to be back in heaven. On May 19th, 2013 my little boy left me and went to be with God. The next day at my doctors appointment it was confirmed that Poppy Seed was no longer with us. Today W and I mourned the loss of our little boy who we named Robert. We went to the store and got him an outfit I am sure he would have looked adorable in and made a memory box with the outfit and my positive pregnancy test. I decorated the outside of the box and at some point we will put Robert’s box away but we agreed that it felt too soon. So for now the box is on the coffee table. I love my little boy and always will.

Shitballs.....

So last night I knew I was getting waste balls and just to be safe decided to take a pregnancy test just to make sure I wasn’t pregnant (since my period is in 3-4 days I’d figure it’d be enough time to show if I was pregnant) well it was a big fat negative…(bummed) so I drank….a lot….not like puking my brains out a lot but enough to be drunk….well this morning I decided to take the last pregnancy test I had just for shits and giggles and……it’s positive! Fuck! I drank so much last night and now I’m worried it’s going to end in another early miscarriage like last month (not bc of the drinking last night but because the line is super light)…..worried….Husband is so mad at me for drinking but we can’t change that now can we??

Wish me luck…..