Being a Christian, a female, a college student, and impatiently waiting for your husband

Disclaimer: I am going to be extremely honest and blunt in this post. If you are offended or hurt, know that it was not my intention to make you feel that way.

Spineless Dating

   In my year and a half of “higher education,” one of the things I have learned most about is my husband. The first thing he thinks of when he wakes up is Jesus…how much His Father loves him, how He saved him. He governs every decision by The Lord. He is kind; compassion always comes first…he always has love for everyone just as Christ has love for all of us. He knows he is forever a sinner, but he also knows he is forever safe and rescued. He knows his obligation to me and our family, he knows how vital his role is: to lead and to protect. How funny it is that I know these things about him but I have yet to even meet him. I have learned all those things because of all the time I’ve wasted being impatient. It has been extremely difficult to be honest with myself…Kristen - you are not going to find your husband at a party, a football game or the library. About 30% of people meet their spouse in college…take or leave that as you please.

  Personally, I have the opinion that for a Christian seeking another Christian, college is just not a good environment to date. And I’m speaking in the context of a very secular college. I go to a school that focuses on academics, socializing, and athletics. I go to a school of multiple religions, multiple beliefs. It is extremely easy to get sucked into dating life here…caught up in short-term attention from a boy. It is extremely easy to be selfish, to begin to see someone on your terms, not Gods. You have fun with them, they make you laugh, they’re cuuuuuuute. What’s not to like? What’s so bad about it? I’ve gone through this cycle many times: in the back of your head, you know they’re not marriage material but you enjoy the attention so you keep pursuing it. Practically the definition of selfish. I was spending time with God and He asked me, “Does this person push you towards Me or pull you from Me? Does this person remind you that I love you more than he ever could? Do you see a Godly man when you look at him?” I cannot stress enough how hard it was to be honest with myself because I don’t want to be patient. I want to feel wanted, and loved, and pursued. And THAT! my friends, is the definition of Jesus. He wants your love, your attention…He loves you more than anyone ever will, and He pursues you daily, by the hours, and minutes and seconds. His love will fulfill your heart completely, and I know this because I’ve felt it. I think the enemy feeds into our weaknesses and our loneliness and that’s why we look for love from beings other than God, beings that can ultimately pull us from His unchanging and unfailing love. Whenever I find my heart is feeling unfulfilled or I am feeling unloved, these are my favorite reminders:

You have filled my heart with greater joy. Psalm 4:7

No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you. Joshua 1:5

The Lord will fight for you, you only need to be silent. Exodus 14:14

Ask yourself these questions: Would you rather have someone who doesn’t truly follow Christ right now? Or your Godly husband somewhere in the future? Are you willing to wait for him? Do you think it’s beneficial to your relationship with God to “date around” while you wait for the man you’ll marry? Do you think it’s a waste of time? Why or why not? Be honest with yourself. I pray you are reminded how loved you are. How human attention is momentary, but The Lords attention is forever. Another thing I realized is that it isn’t about looking at a guy and saying, “Okay, he is this, and he isn’t this. He’s like this, but he’s not like this.” You should not have a checklist. Actually you should, and the only thing on that checklist should be, “Does he love The Lord?” (And if he’s a mass murderer of course.) If you keep that at the forefront of your mind, trust that the rest of your relationship will fall into place. Luke 1:45 says, “Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her.” Trust Him, He will bring you someone great, I promise. And more importantly and reliably, He promises.

You

An important part of this “waiting” time is to focus on you, not your future hub. Jefferson Bethke said, “It’s not about finding ‘the one,’ it’s about preparing yourself to be the one.” Take this time to truly focus on God, who is your first love. I think in the midst of all this pressure to find the perfect husband, in the midst of that selfishness, we simply forget about our relationship with Christ. Take this time to better yourself, learn more about yourself and God, spend time with Him, let yourself fall in love with Him over and over. And again, I want to stress how we want to try and stay away from checklists. Don’t say, “I have to be like this, and I can’t do this, and this.” Obviously, if you have a Heroin habit, you should probably not do that. But don’t change true and real things about yourself. Prepare yourself in a Godly way to be a Godly wife, who will support her husband, and care and love for him always. A Godly wife who will always point to Jesus, who will always remind her husband where home really is, and who will always show grace. "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears The Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30.

Impatience

My last point is that it is okay to be impatient!!!!! Do people ever tell you, “You’re so young! Be patient! You have plenty of time to find a husband!” Listen to this sermon by Matt Chandler. It has forever changed what I think of our marital impatience. It’s okay to want a husband…you were made to love and be loved, to reproduce, to share life with a spouse.

Here are some other videos I really enjoy on the topic

Why Should You Date Someone? The Bethkes

Best Tip For Healthy Dating The Bethkes

Should A Christian Date A Non Christian? The Bethkes

Principles For Christian Dating Mark Driscoll

Christ Centered Relationships Francis & Lisa Chan

I hope this has done something for you ladies, (and men?) and I pray you focus on The Lord this week. I will be impatiently waiting to meet my husband in church. Or at the dentist. Or Whole Foods. As usual, my ask box is always open. Love to you!

Warmly, Kristen

I love how my high school really likes to control us. I love when they devote half the first day of the year to lecturing us about skirt length and how many bracelets we can wear. I love how we have to be ‘modest’ because if we wear our skirts any higher then our knee a male student or staff member might cum in their pants. I especially love how any forms of self expression is stripped away from us, because wearing more then 1 bracelet or 2 earrings is inappropriate and should not be done. I love how my school would rather focus on teaching girls to dress modestly rather then educating the male population about respecting woman and not slut shamming. I love following all these rules because i am a teenager, why would i ever want to express myself? Conforming is great! But my favourite thing is why we have all these rules. We are taught that everything you do and will ever do depends on how you look. Do you have a nose ring? Your engineering degree doesnt matter because you look like a street rat. Wow a law degree! Well you cant defend anyone with hair like that! 

I hate my school. I feel like Im in prison. I have to conform to everyone else. Im taught that its my fault if a boy acts inappropriately towards me if my skirts too short. I dread every moment i spend there. Im surrounded by crusty old teachers who believe the ideas of some 18th century nuns are more important then the youth who are going to be in charge of the future. Because age correlates to importance right? The older you are the smarter you are. Its not like i spend most my lessons correcting teachers, people who think that Prague is the capital of Austria or that Africa is one poverty stricken country where everyone has Ebola.

Worst thing is that they’re doing this to an impressionable youth, who will grow up and spend the rest of their lives judging others on their appearance. 

If you’re a teacher, stop spending so much time concerned about how your students look. Spend timing focusing on the importance of school work and our futures. Stop stopping us from expressing ourselves! I know i sound like every other rebellious teenager who has angst against the system and doesn’t like conforming, but i don’t want to be stripped of everything i am! 

Basically all im saying is dont ever judge anyone because of appearance. How they choose to express themselves externally does not dictate their intelligence or worthiness  

and thats the catholic school system in a nutshell guys! 

Mosteiro dos Jerónimos em Lisboa

How great the tale, that there should be,
In God’s Son’s heart, a place for me!
That on a sinner’s lips like mine
The cross of Jesus Christ should shine!

Christ Jesus, bend me to Thy will,
My feet to urge, my griefs to still;
That e’en my flesh and blood may be
A temple sanctified to Thee.

No rest, no calm my soul may win,
Because my body craves to sin;
Till thou, dear Lord, Thyself impart
Peace on my head, light in my heart.

May consecration come from far,
Soft shining like the evening star.
My toilsome path make plain to me,
Until I come to rest in Thee.

An answer to those who attack the Christian faith for being too patriarchal and suppressive of women:

I present to you this passage from the encyclical letter On Christian Marriage written by Pope Pius XI. 

“‘Let women be subject to their husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the Church.’ This subjection, however, does NOT DENY or take away the LIBERTY which FULLY BELONGS TO THE WOMAN both in view of her DIGNITY AS A HUMAN PERSON, and in view of her most noble office as a wife and mother and companion; nor does it bid her to obey her husband’s every request IF NOT IN HARMONY WITH RIGHT REASON OR WITH THE DIGNITY DUE TO WIFE…” 

Now please, tell me again that the Church is anti-woman. I dare you. 

I love my feminist Mother Church. 

Out of the darkness of my life, so much frustrated, I put before you the one great thing to love on earth: the Blessed Sacrament … There you will find romance, glory, honour, fidelity, and the true way of all your loves on earth, and more than that: Death.

By the divine paradox, that which ends life, and demands the surrender of all, and yet by the taste -or foretaste- of which alone can what you seek in your earthly relationships (love, faithfulness, joy) be maintained, or take on that complexion of reality, of eternal endurance, which every man’s heart desires.

The only cure for sagging or fainting faith is Communion. Though always Itself, perfect and complete and inviolate, the Blessed Sacrament does not operate completely and once for all in any of us. Like the act of Faith it must be continuous and grow by exercise.

Frequency is of the highest effect.

Seven times a week is more nourishing than seven times at intervals.
Also I can recommend this as an exercise (alas! only too easy to find opportunity for): make your communion in circumstances that affront your taste. Choose a snuffling or gabbling priest or a proud and vulgar friar; and a church full of the usual bourgeois crowd, ill-behaved children – from those who yell to those products of Catholic schools who the moment the tabernacle is opened sit back and yawn – open necked and dirty youths, women in trousers and often with hair both unkempt and uncovered. Go to communion with them (and pray for them).

It will be just the same (or better than that) as a mass said beautifully by a visibly holy man, and shared by a few devout and decorous people.

It could not be worse than the mess of the feeding of the Five Thousand – after which our Lord propounded the feeding that was to come.”

— 

J.R.R. Tolkien

Can be found in The Philosophy of Tolkien: The Worldview Behind The Lord of the Rings – Page 219.

On the part of the spouses, the desire for a child is natural: it expresses the vocation to fatherhood and motherhood inscribed in conjugal love. This desire can be even stronger if the couple is affected by sterility which appears incurable. Nevertheless, marriage does not confer upon the spouses the right to have a child, but only the right to perform those natural acts which are per se ordered to procreation.

A true and proper right to a child would be contrary to the child’s dignity and nature. The child is not an object to which one has a right, nor can he be considered as an object of ownership: rather, a child is a gift, “the supreme gift” and the most gratuitous gift of marriage, and is a living testimony of the mutual giving of his parents. For this reason, the child has the right, as already mentioned, to be the fruit of the specific act of the conjugal love of his parents; and he also has the right to be respected as a person from the moment of his conception.
—  Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith: Instruction on Respect for Human Life
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an allergy to both  solemnity and Latin together with a misunderstanding about ecumenism which at times has led to people being ashamed of their Catholicism. This had been coupled with libertarianism in the face of any tradition that should be binding and that has led to a mentality of do-it-yourself liturgy, and also to the practice of incessant commentaries on all and everything during the celebration; and this has put the emphasis on human speech that is not always particularly inspired.

Robinson, Fr. Jonathan (2010-11-19). Mass And Modernity (Kindle
Locations 3564-3568). Ignatius Press. Kindle Edition.

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More Will Be Given

It remains to describe the three degrees of perfection accessible to people. The first degree of an interior life, leading to God’s high truth, is when a person turns inward in search of the marvelous evidences and the inward gifts of the hidden deity, and this results in a state of soul called jubilation. The second degree is a destitution of spirit, in which the soul experiences a special drawing of God amid a terrible process of stripping and deprivation. The third is a transcending movement of the creature into a God-like form, uniting the created spirit with the uncreated deity; this may be named essential transformation. Of those who attain to this last degree, we can hardly believe that they will ever fall away from God.

To this first degree we attain be meditating on the evidences of divine love everywhere found in earth and heaven. O how much has God favored us among all his creatures. The whole world blooms with the beauty of God, who overwhelms all creation with his gifts for our sakes. How tenderly has he not sought us out, invited us and admonished us, and waited long and patiently for us. For us he became man, suffered, and died, offering his blessed soul and body to his Father for our sakes; and to how indescribably close a friendship has he not invited us. How long has the Holy Trinity waited for us, that we might share the divine joy eternally. Let a person but deeply ponder all this, and the interior rush of heavenly joy will overpower him, and his poor body will be too weak to endure the strain.

— Father John Tauler, O.P.

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Let it Go (Confession version)