capspam!bleach

it feels too good
until the end
when the emotions
kill me instead.
—  drugs.
How Bleach characters would react (if they heard an ice cream truck's jingle)


As requested by jariyajames. :)


An ice cream truck is (apparently) traveling through all of the realms! How will various Bleach characters react when they hear its jingle?


1. Hitsugaya: Acts unexcited

But secretly he is quite excited.

Hitsugaya: An ice cream truck? How annoying.

Hitsugaya: I should go out there…and tell it to leave.

Hitsugaya: Maybe buy some ice cream, too. Just so I don’t seem rude.

Hitsugaya: But mostly I just want it GONE of course.

Hitsugaya: Yes.


2. Orihime: Runs out excitedly

She keeps cash by the door for this very reason.

Orihime: Hi! Do you have anything with red bean paste?

Ice Cream Truck Guy: I have this red bean paste flavored ice cream!

Orihime: All right!


3. Ulquiorra: Goes outside to interrogate the ice cream man

And he doesn’t even buy any ice cream.

Ulquiorra: Tell me what this magical tune is.

Ice Cream Truck Guy: Excuse me?

Ulquiorra: This tune appears to attract humans. 

Ulquiorra: How? Is it a heart thing?

Ice Cream Truck Guy: No, I think it’s more of a Pavlovian thing.

Ulquiorra: Now I am more confused.


4. Yachiru: Buys out the truck

Or to be more precise, Kenpachi does. When they eventually find it.

Yachiru: I’ll take THAT!

Ice Cream Truck Guy: Sorry, what are you pointing at?

Yachiru: The menu!

Yachiru: I’ll have it all!


5. Bazz-B: Has trouble with the ice cream

He buys ice cream every time he hears the truck. But it keeps melting in his hands before he can eat it.

Bazz-B: CURSE MY HOT HOT FINGERS


6. Yukio: Puts in his head phones as soon as he hears the jingle

So that he doesn’t have to listen to the annoying jingle anymore.

Yukio: If I wanted ice cream, I would buy an ice cream parlor.

Yukio: Obviously.


7. Rose: Composes impromptu lyrics to match the jingle

It’s a little game he likes to play pretty much any time he hears music.

Rose: I’m so happy that “ice cream” rhymes with “dream”!

Kira: Sometimes you are so sweet that you hurt me inside, Captain.


8. Hisagi: Tries to find ice cream truck

But he cannot.

Hisagi: Dang it! Where is that music coming from??

Kensei: I weep for you.


9. Nel: Follows the music

Although she doesn’t know why.

Nel: This music just sounds so delicious!


10. Lille: Shoots out the speakers

Very accurately, of course.

Lille: That music was very annoying.

Lille: And now it is no more.

Lille: I think everyone will agree I have done the world a favor.


11. Chad: Buys a couple dozen treats

He carries them all in one hand.

Chad: Now I will have ice cream for everyone I meet on the street.

Chad: I like smiles.


12. Ukitake: So excited he falls down coughing

He has to send out Sentaro and Kiyone instead.

Ukitake: G…Get me something delicious!

Sentaro & Kiyone: WE WILL, CAPTAIN

What if Shinji were the one to originally give Ichigo his powers?


As requested by anon. :)


We’ve contemplated this kind of thing before - with Hitsugaya, Renji, Lisa, and Yoruichi. But what if the visored Shinji were the one to give Ichigo his original soul reaper powers, instead of Rukia? How would Bleach play out then? And just fyi, I’m imagining that Shinji has still been exiled and is a visored in this scenario. Because that seems fun.


1. Shinji would help Ichigo while just passing by.

As a visored in exile, Shinji wouldn’t be helping Ichigo because killing hollows is his job or anything. He’d just be passing by, maybe because Urahara hinted that that Kurosaki kid was special, maybe because Hiyori had been yelling at him and he needed a walk, maybe because he was playing air guitar in the sky. Who knows. But for whatever reason, Shinji would happen to see Ichigo trying to fight off a hollow with a stool, and would decide to intervene.

Shinji: Man, that kid is super going to die.

Shinji:
 Good thing I’m no longer a shinigami, so it’s not my problem!

Shinji: I-is he attacking with a freakin’ bar stool??

Shinji: That’s so sad that I can’t help but intervene!


2. Shinji would do a bad job at convincing Ichigo to accept his help.

In canon, when Shinji decided that Ichigo should become a visored, he did the world’s worst job of selling it. He basically implied that the visored were some kind of weird and probably evil cult, and then stalked Ichigo just to make it creepier. So in this new reality, when Shinji decides to transfer his powers to Ichigo, he might have a….difficult time selling it.

Shinji: There is….only one solution…

Ichigo: I’m listening!

Shinji: I am…. going to stab you…. in the heart…. with this very deadly… and sharp weapon…

Ichigo: …

Ichigo: So you’re going to murder me?

Shinji: Heh…. I didn’t *say* that…. come here… let me stab you with this… lethal weapon of death…

Ichigo: The bar stool is lookin’ pretty good right now.


3. Shinji would get info from Urahara.

Somehow, Shinji would manage to convince Ichigo to accept a good ol’ stabbing, and suddenly Shinji would find himself with no powers. As in canon, this would be Urahara’s moment to show up and offer his help. Only, Shinji knows Urahara. So Urahara would be slightly more honest with him. But only slightly.

Urahara: Hey there, Hirako. Need some help?

Shinji: Kisuke?? I haven’t seen you in ages! 

Urahara: I have a gigai for you. After that, I want to tell you why you need to help and train that human. It’ll help take down Aizen!

Shinji: A gigai, huh? That wouldn’t be one of those power stealing gigai that you got exiled for, would it?

Urahara: …

Urahara: Ha ha! Super not! I’d NEVER do something like that to a friend!

Shinji: …

Shinji: And yet sadly, I have really no choice.


4. Shinji would follow Ichigo to school…pretty much like he does in canon.

Shinji would naturally start to stalk Ichigo to convince him to become a soul reaper. And he’d act pretty much the way he does during the canon arrancar arc - he’d show up, flirt with Inoue, write his name backwards, demand to sit next to the most beautiful woman and then sit next to Ichigo, etc. etc.

Ichigo: W-what are you doing here????

Shinji: What do you mean, Ichigo? I’m here because I want you to [ominous pause] join me.

Ichigo: WHY DO YOU MAKE EVERYTHING SOUND SUPER CREEPY?!

Shinji: I have no idea what you’re talking about. 


5. Shinji would try to involve the visored

Shinji, of course, has friends in the human world. Seven of them. He would naturally try to involve them….and they would refuse. Because Ichigo doesn’t have his own hollow powers yet. Why would they want to get involved in Soul Society affairs?

Hiyori: Help a HUMAN who is working as a SHINIGAMI?! 

Hiyori: You’re bein’ more of an idiot than usual, Shinji!

Shinji: You’d also be helping ME, you know.

Hiyori: Yeah, that doesn’t make it better.


6. Shinji would be arrested by Aizen and Hinamori.

Eventually Soul Society would get word that one of those escaped criminals is in the human world and has given powers to some random human. They’d send Aizen and Hinamori to arrest him….because Aizen really wants to see his old captain again (and gloat).

Hinamori: Escaped criminal Hirako Shinji, we are here to arrest you!

Shinji: Arrest me? Seriously? I thought there were orders to kill me on sight?

Hinamori: It is admittedly very strange, but those are our orders!

Aizen: Yes. I for one am so suspicious of these orders. It is as though Central-46 has been corrupted. I certainly hope nobody evil has taken it over. I am so worried about this.

Shinji: …

Shinji: So nice to see you again, Aizen.


7. Shinji would try (and fail) to convince people that Aizen is the evil one.

Back when he was a captain, Shinji never exactly told anyone that Aizen was evil. Regretting that decision now, Shinji would try (and fail) to convince someone (anyone!) that the real villain is Aizen.

Hitsugaya: Aizen clearly did not write this letter. Because he would not do something like that. Somebody is framing him.

Matsumoto: Um…didn’t that Hirako guy keep insisting that Aizen was evil?

Hitsugaya: Yes. He is clearly in league with Ichimaru.

Hitsugaya: Poor innocent Aizen.

Shinji: SON OF A -


8. Shinji’s cause would be taken up by……no one.

When Rukia was sentenced to death, many people eventually took up her cause - Renji, Ukitake, Kyoraku, etc. But Shinji? Most of the Gotei-13 doesn’t even know him. He’s been gone for a hundred years. He part-hollow. So I don’t see anybody defecting to help Ichigo rescue him.

Hisagi: Looks like that guy’s execution has been moved up again.

Renji: Good thing. I hear he’s dangerous.

Hinamori: I wonder why those ryoka want to rescue him so bad…

Kira: Drugs, probably.


9. Soi Fon would be extra mad at Yoruichi.

In canon, Soi Fon was super furious at Yoruichi for the whole abandonment thing. In this new reality, Soi Fon would be SUPER furious with Yoruichi for (a) abandonment and (b) returning to help one of those visored that Soi Fon hates.

Soi Fon: You’re even worse than I believed! You BROKE into Soul Society to rescue one of the CONDEMNED HOLLOWS?!

Yoruichi:
 Well it’s not like it’s the first time I’ve rescued him.

Soi Fon: YOU ARE NOT MAKING IT BETTER


10. The visored find themselves pardoned a lot earlier.

In the end, of course, Ichigo would manage to rescue Shinji and everybody would realize that yes in fact Aizen was evil the whole time. This would mean that the visored would be pardoned a whole lot earlier.

Yamamoto: Whelp. It seems like we were wrong in condemning you all to death. Twice, in your case.

Yamamoto: Here is a coupon for a free drink at Starbucks. As an apology.

Yamamoto: We cool?

Shinji: …

Yamamoto: Because it looks like we need some new captains, so…

Shinji: …

Yamamoto: Are you mulling over this excellent offer?

Shinji: Yeeeeah…..we visored will be working for Ichigo from now on.

Yamamoto: But why