I’ve always sort of prided myself on not being afraid of death and dying. I’ve certainly never been reckless or careless or adventurous in that sense, but death has never in my life troubled me even in the slightest. I was always kind of proud that death doesn’t bother me the way it does others, that I consider myself practically ready for it. I guess a childhood of faith and an adulthood of trying to re-understand that faith is responsible for it, and that exact same faith has never allowed me to even remotely consider suicide or actively seeking that death I do not fear.
I am not fearless by any means.
My dad’s cancerous diagnoses and treatments have made me realize that I was painting with broad stokes in those thoughts.
I am not afraid of my own death.
The death (or even suggestion of death) of those near me is fairly nearly paralyzing, terrifying, and physically traumatic to me.
The past few weeks have continued along without much note, one day after another as they have done and will do. It’s weird, to get an email and sort of freak out one day, and then to return to life again and again and continue. Little has actually changed. Nothing at work is different. Nothing with friends is different. Even things at home have not changed.
Life continues, time progresses.
I am meandering because I’m still unsure how to even process the idea that my dad is mortal, which feels stupid but there it is nonetheless. And while changes and updates have been few, I still find a hole in my chest that seems to be where all the energy I have disappears into. Everything feels like an added challenge, or involves too much time or energy or strength that I simply do not have.
Hush up, I’m no stranger to depression. If nothing else I at least know when it has crept back around and is trying to eat me again. (whether I have the strength or even inclination to deal with it now is both debatable and irrelevant).
In the meantime, I have requested off the first paid week of vacation I will have taken in almost 7 years for this July. And I have a few things to occupy myself with, including secret things and my camera stuff and trying to reboot my social life.
I am very tired, but I continue.