you didn’t even say goodbye to the dogs…crazy how thats been bugging me , but you left so quick and im reminded every second of the day because everything reminds me of you. i even try controlling myself from saying certain words like “patitas”, just the littlest things that put the biggest smile on my face or made me giggle are so hard to refrain from because it makes me want to run to my phone , to you.
its been about 2 weeks , but it already feels like 2 years and i can’t stop replaying memories , staring at pictures and re-imagining the hug we gave each other before you walked out the room. its been me and you since i was 18. it may not have been a million years , but it sure as hell felt like it and its hard to go from being with you all the time and building a small life and family in the same home to not having you at all.
my true love , my best friend , my babygirl , my help , my partner , my shelter , my diary , my shadow & just so many roles you’ve played are all hard to not have day by day and its hard to even get out of bed or eat now. its hard to speak , to listen , to realize youre not here when i wake up or come home. its hard to do anything without having you by my side anymore other than just an occasional text.
i use to wake up to your adorable face and close my eyes to it. feeling you hold me and kiss me was such an amazing feeling. rubbing your back and playing in your coloches , i still get butterflies thinking about it. i can still feel the texture and see your body in my sleep. listening to you say “no dont stop” , “get him right there” if i missed a spot or stopped for a split second. i smile thinking about it.
everyone keeps apologizing and telling me to do me or focus or better myself and even though i may be finding the strength to do it and not call out, i still feel dead and alone even with the biggest crowd around me. i lie and say youre on vacation when people ask me because it still feels so un-real even though im hurting like fuck. i tried to be mad and switch things up just to find myself putting it all back to what it was because it only hurt more. i still say youre my girl because to me you are and ill never let you go. it feels better to say it rather than admitting you were so unhappy with “us” because my heart cringes even thinking about you being unhappy meanwhile i couldnt wait to see you or run to you every second i could. this wont “pass” , its not “temporary” , its real pain , a wound that will take a very long time to heal if i never get you back.
this is no ordinary love , no feeling ive had before , no bond that can be broken and no shoes that could possibly be filled by any other. no matter what anyone thought or how i hated some ways we didnt see eye to eye , my heart beats for you. i cant feel the slightest nerve of another walking into my life. itll never happen. i just want you. its crazy how you knew me so well , you could potentially be me for a day and pull it off quite well.
i cant lie , sometimes it felt like you hated me because im such a pain in the ass about the smallest things , but then id tell myself “she wouldnt be here if she did”…you saved me and all i can do is thank you and pray that someday soon i can call you mine again for good.
you left a few things behind and i cant stop touching them and sleeping with them. it sounds crazy , but i dont care. it keeps my heart rate normal and the tears dry up when the sleeping aid kicks in.
ive been feeling paranoid like maybe i shouldnt contact you or you’ll start getting sick of me. maybe youll find someone new or re-kindle. maybe youre being somewhat nice when we text to not crush me completely , maybe you dont feel the same at all , maybe i didnt dress up enough , maybe i didnt look so good or act prissy enough , maybe my strength and abilities were a turn off , then i thought , maybe im just being the karolyne you couldnt stand and maybe i need to stop “maybe-ing” all these crazy fucking thoughts and realize torturing myself with those thoughts wont fix anything the same way it never has. because i feel like i know you , i know you well enough to know better.
you sent me that picture with that text and i almost lost it because i wanted to hug you and be held so bad. the comfort and love you gave me filled so many gaps and that text made me nervous , but gave me hope. your dad even sent a text saying he felt for us that night and although ive found myself bothered by his actions in the past , hes always throwing hints or affection as if he enjoys you and i together. ill never forget him on christmas day coming up to me and saying “you know your at home here right? , this is your home too” i almost died , i cried so hard the whole drive back. its crazy how life works and its crazy how sometimes you have to learn the hard way even when it isn’t up to you , even if isn’t your fault and even if you tried your hardest , but couldve done better.
i cant keep my eyes open anymore , but i dont want to stop because theres so much to say , but i cant write my whole life on here either. .
i love you. im in love with you. i hope one day i wake up to your face again tita.