one of my best friends just admitted he has feelings for me. of course he’s in a relationship. who on this planet isn’t, besides me?
I *know* and *really like* his girlfriend. they’ve been together for 11 years and although they both admit to me they aren’t happy anymore they are still a couple.
now I’m feeling really resentful towards him and I know I shouldn’t be, after all he was just being honest, but I am. why bother telling me? why not take the high road and put those feelings in a box and stuff them deep deep down inside and show them to no one ever least of all me? aren’t men experts on compartmentalizing? I mean, why make it my problem too? now we can’t hang out and if we do it will be awkward and he will be trying to get me alone… (just a hunch but I think I’m right).
shit. I’m going to miss my friend. I’m also mad at him. where is the self control? does he really want to get with me and risk ruining our friendship? maybe it’s true and I can’t actually have guy friends. I don’t know.
ahhh! it’s all so stupid.
I really don’t think I’m even date-able anyway. I’m in my head too much and all that thinking, thinking, thinking isn’t doing me any favours. I tried to tell him as much but his response was “I’m a Scorpio. I’m always tortured. and I like that about you”.
besides all that, it’s just so fucking selfish I can’t even handle! there’s another person involved here and her feelings matter. I don’t want to be a part of the demise of their relationship or whatever it is that is going on between them. they need to figure all that stuff out. not to say I am even interested in anything other than friendship with him…up until yesterday I didn’t even know he was thinking that way toward me at all. it caught me way off guard.
plus after everything I survived last year the last thing I need in my life is more heartaches and drama.
I kinda miss that guy I broke it off with admittedly a little too hastily last month. he was crazy and intense and weird but making out with him was next level fun, and that’s all I’m really looking for anyway. someone to make out like crazy with.
so, it’s official. I’m going into hiding at some point soon to avoid further drama. off the grid, like. it’s gonna be hard to find someone to make out with off the grid, but oh well. it must be done. maybe I’ll meet some other weirdo who is off the grid for reasons like my own who is easy on the eyes, about 5'9 with shaggy brown hair who likes making out too. what? a girl can dream.
but for now the world is scary and I need to hide in my bed thanks bye.
(I’ll still unload my woes here I’m sure. if I can’t tell you, Tumblr, who else would I tell?)
oh and about the super vague “leaving the film industry” thing…I am planning my exit strategy, so that’s exciting. I have signed on for one more season of my show- they made me an offer I couldn’t refuse, so my new career begins either in January or April 2016.
that’s all I got for now.