Who Wins: Blake
Blake has hidden danger. Like undertow or those steel razor scooters capable of ruining a summer, he will not hesitate to wreck your shit. If you think he’s actually a sweet guy with that whole songs of innocence thing, think again! He has a special song of experience just for you and it’s coming for your ass. Also this old fucker outlived the entire younger half of the Big Six??? AVOID
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Who Wins: Uncertain
I can kinda see the appeal in fighting Coleridge but the dude is high like literally all the time. This makes his movesets and strength of will unpredictable on any given day. Go ahead and fight him but it’ll take some planning beforehand. Be prepared to face his full force if you interrupt his writing OR be prepared for him to make up some bullshit about you interrupting him afterwards if he loses.
Who Wins: You
I mean sure, it’s a pretty guaranteed win and it’d be cool to say you beat the guy who wrote the three bears but. He’s a pretty nice guy?? And you want to fight him?? Does he deserve that? Your call man.
Who Wins: You (with proper precautions)
Yes for the love of god fight this man oh my god. Fight him. Please. If he cries about your hatred and lack of appreciation for poetry fight him more I will paY YOU. You will win! Easily!! (IMPORTANT NOTE: This outcome is only guaranteed if he is alone. If he is with Dorothy do not approach repeat DO NOT APPROACH)
Who Wifuck this I’m not finishing this you shouldn’t even be reading this the thought should not even be crossing your mind to fight Dorothy DO NOT APPROACH DOROTHY
Who Wins: Me
I don’t care what anyone says the man is fragile and I will not stand for this. He wrote his most famous poem for a little field mouse and you may not touch him. Fight me.
George Gordon (Lord Byron)
Who Wins: Byron
Byron is 100% the equivalent of that kid in your class who took dodgeball way too seriously. AND he works out. This is a no-brainer–give him any reason to fight and he will fight you, defeat you, loudly tell his friends about your levels of hotness afterward, and then even later might ask you out for a drink. Byron will win. You’re probably going to fight him anyway. I don’t blame you.
Who Wins: You
Really though?? You wanna fight little mild-mannered Shelley? I bet the guy never raised his voice in his life. What is this. He’d much prefer you fight Byron and so would Byron. This man did not deserve many things and frankly you’d just be adding to the list.
Who Wins: You (but ultimately Keats)
What the fuck. Wjha t e the f ukc this is too much for me. What are you gonna do, sneeze and knock him over?? Honestly fuck this, if you fight Keats anyone with even the slightest grasp of the cruel ironies of life will turn on you and then congrats on being hated by everyone forever. Bad idea. Goddamn. (ALSO HE’S BARELY FIVE FEET TALL LIKE I’M YELLING!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS)