bumwave

Things I Wish I Knew When I Was Younger

Everyone’s life is hard. This seems obvious but for a long, long time I thought I was the only one. I thought the other girls in high school were losing their virginity on the the 50 yard line to the quarterback. I lost my virginity while I was blacked out, there was nothing special or romantic about it. I had to convince my best friend “I don’t think it was rape.” I am bad with money. I’m always late for work. I thought I was such a depress-case until one night I was freaking out to my likes-to-be-perfect mom and she told me that she struggles with a lot of the same things. I had no idea. None. So, if it helps a little bit, everyone’s life is a mess in private.

People who seem normal do awful things. It seemed like those awful stories you read about in Cosmo were perpetrated by nasty frat looking guys who normal girls like me would see a mile away. Not true. The guy who is close to his family has cheated on every girlfriend he’s had and got engaged to make himself feel better about turning 30. He cheats on his fiance in a button up at a social services job. He’s your boy next door.

It’s really hard to be a good person. In order to be a good person, you have to do good things like, almost all the time. This means that when the guy you think is kind of gross hits on you at a bar you don’t scrunch your face up and say “ew” and then tweet about it to try to make the guy you really like jealous. This seems like harmless behavoir, but it will eat your soul away.

All success isn’t the same success. Sometimes I feel really good about myself because a thing I write on Tumblr gets a lot of notes or I have a successful interaction with a boy I like or I have a one night stand with someone really sexy and fun that I don’t feel guilty about later. I spend the day with a manic smile on my face but then sometimes I realize that actually that doesn’t mean anything, and usually those successes come at the expense of success that matters, like slaving away at my dead-end job all day. You just got your X-thousandth Tumblr follower, congratulations, please come into my office to discuss your failures.

When I asked the other lolz doll what she wished she knew when she was younger she replied “I don’t know… I’m not even going to try.” So, you’re not alone Tumblr.

Does NE1 Know When/If Life Stops Being a Game of Jenga???

Am I on glue or is life a little bit just the transitory state between nervous breakdowns?

Like, say something is going really great, you are dating someone new or really kicking ass at work. You think the point of this is that you’ve worked really hard and tried to be a good person and now merit/karma are kicking in and delivering you your desserts. Nope. Remember when Dr. Alan Grant explains how velociraptors hunt in Jurassic Park? They form a circle around you so you can’t even see them coming, then they rip your guts out with their six-inch claws. The real reason anything good happens in your life is because it’s the velociraptor that drew the short straw and has to distract you while the other ones circle in eat your guts while you’re still alive.

Your boyfriend, your job, your health, your parent’s health, these are things that are hurtling through space with nothing but a dickload of molecules trying to glue them together. They fall apart every second, without reason, and there’s some kind of law of science that they can’t all be going well at the same time. 

The point of pretty much everything, then, is to be a distraction from this god-awful reality. Reading books, watching Jersey Shore, getting drunk, having kids, are all enjoyable things. You can genuinely have fun doing them, but sooner or later you’re going to get sick of the temporary high and reach for something stronger. Have you considered becoming an Absurdist? Really, I mean, I think this is the way to go. 

Kierkegaard and Camus say that knowledge re: the above is dealt with in three ways: suicide, religion, or absurdism. Basically you kill yourself, kill your brain, or accept The Absurd for what it is. Kierky chooses the second, I’m not really as happy as Camus is about it but seems like Abusurdism is way better. You get to be happy without having to lie to yourself about the possibility of your ability to know universal truths (note that this discussion has nothing to do with whether those truths exist). 

Does acceptance that life will always suck without reason make it any easier? I think so. You stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. That’s something. The things that happen to you stop being part of a narrative about your lack of faith or religious ability and just The Way Things Are / what happens to everyone. That’s easier to swallow. It’s kind of giving up but kind of picking yourself up by your bootstraps. You have to work really hard I think, but you just pre-acknowledge you aren’t really going to have anything to show for your efforts. So fun. 

The ‘acceptance’ part of this reminds me of 12 step programs. In AA they say ‘one drink is too many and a thousand is not enough.’ What if we accepted this is true about Truths? Suicide is the abstinence option in this example, religion is telling yourself you’re happy with like, only 2-3 truths/drinks, and Absurdism is I guess drinking as many as many as you feel like with the knowledge that they won’t satisfy you, maybe eventually it sinks in an you stop craving them altogether. 

In either case, life really suxxx tonight. See you at the bottom.