Am I on glue or is life a little bit just the transitory state between nervous breakdowns?
Like, say something is going really great, you are dating someone new or really kicking ass at work. You think the point of this is that you’ve worked really hard and tried to be a good person and now merit/karma are kicking in and delivering you your desserts. Nope. Remember when Dr. Alan Grant explains how velociraptors hunt in Jurassic Park? They form a circle around you so you can’t even see them coming, then they rip your guts out with their six-inch claws. The real reason anything good happens in your life is because it’s the velociraptor that drew the short straw and has to distract you while the other ones circle in eat your guts while you’re still alive.
Your boyfriend, your job, your health, your parent’s health, these are things that are hurtling through space with nothing but a dickload of molecules trying to glue them together. They fall apart every second, without reason, and there’s some kind of law of science that they can’t all be going well at the same time.
The point of pretty much everything, then, is to be a distraction from this god-awful reality. Reading books, watching Jersey Shore, getting drunk, having kids, are all enjoyable things. You can genuinely have fun doing them, but sooner or later you’re going to get sick of the temporary high and reach for something stronger. Have you considered becoming an Absurdist? Really, I mean, I think this is the way to go.
Kierkegaard and Camus say that knowledge re: the above is dealt with in three ways: suicide, religion, or absurdism. Basically you kill yourself, kill your brain, or accept The Absurd for what it is. Kierky chooses the second, I’m not really as happy as Camus is about it but seems like Abusurdism is way better. You get to be happy without having to lie to yourself about the possibility of your ability to know universal truths (note that this discussion has nothing to do with whether those truths exist).
Does acceptance that life will always suck without reason make it any easier? I think so. You stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. That’s something. The things that happen to you stop being part of a narrative about your lack of faith or religious ability and just The Way Things Are / what happens to everyone. That’s easier to swallow. It’s kind of giving up but kind of picking yourself up by your bootstraps. You have to work really hard I think, but you just pre-acknowledge you aren’t really going to have anything to show for your efforts. So fun.
The ‘acceptance’ part of this reminds me of 12 step programs. In AA they say ‘one drink is too many and a thousand is not enough.’ What if we accepted this is true about Truths? Suicide is the abstinence option in this example, religion is telling yourself you’re happy with like, only 2-3 truths/drinks, and Absurdism is I guess drinking as many as many as you feel like with the knowledge that they won’t satisfy you, maybe eventually it sinks in an you stop craving them altogether.
In either case, life really suxxx tonight. See you at the bottom.