To the boy I’ll always love,
It’s been a while since we last talked. It’s been two months now, to be exact. But who’s counting, right? I’m not sure why I’m writing you this letter when I know you’ll never actually read it but I guess I just want closure, you know? And I feel like this is it.
I miss you, that’s the first thing I need you to know. All those memories we made, they mean everything to me and it cuts vein-deep to know we’ll never make more of them… they had to mean something to you too, right? I’m not going crazy? You actually liked having me around, right? I don’t even know what to believe anymore, honestly.
But what I do know is that I miss you.
How we first started talking in Algebra class and how we’d get in trouble because we were talking too much. The time when I stayed for football practice and the smell of fresh cut grass that was in the air when you hugged me for the first time. Or how we sat together and laughed for what seemed like forever during lunch on the last week of school. One of my favorite memories is Valentine’s Day. You remember that day? God, how could you possibly forget? I still have everything you gave me in my room, you know? I can’t even begin to process the thought of throwing it all away.
Everyone tells me that I should just forget you. So many more ask me why it is I still bother to give you the time of day when all you do is hurt me, and I always tell them that I don’t know. Isn’t that when you know you’re in love? When you don’t know why it’s so hard to forget them, but it just is? God, but how can I love you when we never even dated? I just can’t comprehend that…
I have good days and bad days when it comes to thinking of you. Somedays I smile and think of the way you’d come to school with your new ridiculous haircuts, other days I can’t help but cry in the shower so my family won’t know how broken you left me that summer day.
Life without you… it actually isn’t as hard as I thought it would be. That has to be a good sign, I know it. I’m getting by and I can actually go out and have fun every once in a while without thinking of your hands or your black jeans or how you’d walk in front of me on your way to second period.
I even started to talk to someone. He was great, and he could make me laugh, and the best part of it all was that he didn’t have your smile or eyes. He wasn’t you and it made me believe that maybe I didn’t need you as much as I thought I did. But you know what? He couldn’t replace the memories you already gave me. He’s amazing and any girl out there could easily learn to love him if they gave him the proper time of day, but no one will ever be able to compete with the way you left me feeling every time you’d smile a goodbye at me.
People tell me that moving on comes with time, but the thing is, I’m not even sure I want to forget everything you gave me. You took pieces of me I didn’t even know I had and I have no fucking idea how to get them back. I know you don’t even care and this is probably a waste of my time but if I don’t say this now, it’ll burn into my lungs until I find the guts to think of it again. I’m not sure why it is we drifted but if there’s anything I regret in this life, it’s letting you go so easily when all I wanted to do was try and make it right with you.
I’ve written so many things about you, so many poems and letters and it hurts to know that I have to write about you just to make sure the broken parts of me don’t make me fade the way you did. I fucking hate not having you around anymore but it is what it is… Just - just know that I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough to keep you with me.
I watched you walk away that afternoon on the 4th of June, watched you until you were no longer there. You were wearing the shirt you wore on Valentine’s Day. And those stupid Adidas that you would wear everyday but I absolutely adored them. You didn’t even glance back. All I wanted was to get a last look at you before you were no longer in my life anymore because I knew then what that moment was. It was my one-sided goodbye. A goodbye you didn’t have to go through. I just wanted more time - that’s all I wanted. I wanted more pictures, more laughs, more words, more memories. I wanted more of you.
I’m so sorry for being so selfish. But I understand now that you were never mine and you never fucking will be. I saw the way you used to look at that one girl during lunch. Maybe you’ll give her a chance one day - a chance you never gave me. Find someone to commit to, darling. Make sure she doesn’t break your heart. Don’t fall in love just to get hurt, please. Find a girl who’ll love you the way I did. Find a girl who’ll love you even more.
I have no idea where you are at the moment. Maybe you’re at home playing video games, maybe you’re out in Italy exploring the world or maybe you’re at the park walking your Chocolate Labrador. It doesn’t matter where you are or what you’re doing, but don’t you ever forget that I’ll be thinking about you and wondering if you’re thinking about me too, even for the slightest second.
But I’m done writing about you, honey. I can’t write about you forever. I’m done with it all. I know you are too. But forgetting you… how does one do that? How do I forget all the love songs that remind me of you now? How do I get the sound of your voice out of my aching, swollen veins? How did you forget me? Teach me how to forget you, please, I can’t take it anymore.
I fucking hate you so much, you fucking know that? I’m angry and sad and frustrated and pissed off all because of you. You’re nothing but a fucking boy who needs to grow up and I hope no one ever treats you the way you treated me, you shit.
I don’t even know what emotion to feel anymore. I-I’m so tired of screaming at my bedroom walls and wailing for you to come back. You killed me that afternoon and I don’t know how to forgive you for it anymore. I can’t hate you, I can’t love you, so what can I fucking do?
Just - can this be our proper goodbye? Something I can remember without it bringing the most bitter taste to my throat? You make it through life, babe. Make something of yourself, succeed.
But think of me from time to time, yeah? Don’t let me fade. Keep me there when you think no one loves you.
Know I’ll always love you, even if I’m in the arms of someone else. They won’t ever be able to erase what you left me with.
I’m sorry this is so long and lengthy but I just really needed you to know this; I can’t walk away now without having you know what it is I felt for you and how I felt when you dropped me.
I hate having to finally say this and actually mean it now, but… goodbye.
You’ll be okay, I know. You’ve always been the strongest of us too and I’ve always hated you for it.
I’m done holding on.
From, the girl who has nothing left to say