"Former relationship expert Ryan North takes you on a truth-spittin’, no-holds-barred journey through the frontiers of the genderclash…Finally daring to describe fundamental natural laws that the P.C. police (and Obama-style self-appointed guardians of ‘politeness’) would rather be forgotten!

"Learn about:

• The 12 Rules Of Power Play (Hint: There’s more than 12!)

• What Penguins Do In Private – And Why We Don’t Do The Same (Anymore)

• Five ‘Magic’ Words That Guarantee She’ll Never Forget You, Ever

• The Rule Of Archimedes – In The Bedroom And The Boardroom And The Boardwalk And Park Place, Too…If You Want It, Take It!

• Wandering Womb Syndrome – Ancient Myth Or Mere Superstition? Or Something More?

• Giving Her The ‘Secret Loyalty Test’ – Before She Gives It To You

• Beat Any Paternity Suit! How To Microwave Your DNA – For Good

• Nineteen Spam-Filter-Beating Synonyms For ‘Misandry’ That Have Increasingly Cruel Connotations

• How To Deserve Any Job You Want – From Birth

• ‘I Can’t Be An Asshole If I’m Right’ – Proving This Old Maxim With Ironclad Logic

• The #1 Haircut For Getting Married – And Staying Married, If That’s What You Want

• I’m Sorry, But You Should Never Apologize. And That’s A Canadian Speaking!”

[ BOOKWAR ]

Ryan North has had a lot of fun lately making up book covers about me and the Star Tracks, but do you want to know what I think?

I think he’s just jealous because he can’t enjoy a piece of media without obsessively noticing, and then cataloging, every usage of English grammar that varies even the slightest from some imaginary perfect standard he’s obsessed with! Ryan, you have a DEGREE IN LINGUISTICS. I’d think you, OF ALL PEOPLE, would take a descriptivist view of language! But just check out THIS TRUE EXCERPT from this book I found in an abandoned nautical library:

Scarecrow and Mrs. King, Season 1 (1983)

Episode 1:

1:31: Amanda King: “I’ll be right back thank you dear” – Run-on sentence.

4:22: Amanda King: “Man in the red hat…man in the red hat.” – Sentence fragment.

10:48: Amanda King: “You certainly will not!” – Sentence fragment.

16:03: Lee Stetson: “Champagne?” – Sentence fragment.

16:59: Lee Stetson: “I’m sorry that this is…” – Sentence fragment.

17:37: Amanda King: “I just almost did the dumbest thing with your package.” – Awkward phrasing.

27:31: Amanda King: “Valley Forge flapjacks, pilgrim’s peach puff.” – Sentence fragment.

And on and on and on like this for – according to the cover – every piece of fiction between 1960 and 2010!

Let me tell you people: the type in this book is TINY

[ BOOKWAR ]

3

So I thought that RYAN NORTH and all of his FAKE BOOK JAPERY was perfectly harmless, if a bit mean.

BUT NOW? I KNOW DIFFERENT. Look what arrived in the mail ANONYMOUSLY.

This is no fake. This is a real book that someone spent some amount of real money to have sent to me from Amazon, no note included.

YOU SEE, RYAN? YOU SEE WHAT YOU HAVE WROUGHT???

This book — which, I must repeat for emphasis, is a real thing, like someone had the idea for it (ha ha!) but then didn’t realize that the idea is the entire joke but instead somehow decided they would take on the actual human calorie-burning task of writing 126 pages of — really gives you a smoke-the-whole-pack quantity of what is indisputably people’s favorite parts of LOLcats: the nigh-nonsensical text!

And it’s not just Bible stories. It’s The Bible. It’s abridged to include just the most famous bits (Adam & Eve, Noah, Joseph & his brothers, King David, parts of the Gospels and Acts, and as seen above, Daniel in the lion’s den), but those parts are reproduced VERSE BY VERSE so you do indeed have to slog through “So Daniel liev long an prospar frum Darius to teh othur King, Cyrus, hoo wus a Persian kitteh.”

HI

LARIOUS

This is a concept book. This is a book that people give to one another as a joke, but nobody reads. The corporate buyer for the bookstore didn’t read it. The person buying it for a friend’s birthday didn’t read it. The friend who got it as a gift didn’t read it. I’ll bet the typesetter only read as little of it as she could get away with.

It was regifted a dozen times and every single one of those people did what I did and/or will do, which is: 

- realize what it was

- instantly get all the enjoyment out of that concept that one will ever get

- flip through it

- realize that it goes ON AND ON AND ON

- see that this is a glimpse into a madness best avoided

- quietly close it and put it on a shelf

- give it to another unsuspecting friend so it’s out of one’s own life

The publisher of this book has a whole miserable line of just complete nonsense, including "Blogs Into Books", and I can just tell that this shallow, cash-grabbing —

Wait, what’s that? Sorry…just a second…

Ah.

You say that the author/war criminal of this book, Martin Grondin, set up a wiki site in 2007 to translate the Bible into LOLcat, and that the book actually came along later, printing what had already been written?

Well, then I say that this publisher will probably LOVE my new project, “View Source” (working title), which takes popular websites and just reprints the raw HTML from their homepage. The work’s already done!!!

Confidential to whoever sent this to me: if I ever find out who you are, rest assured we will be enemies forever

COME ON DAVE, SERIOUSLY?  SERIOUSLY??

another book of david’s in the library trash!!  dave where do you find the time for all these projects, is my question!

and also

um how long have you been a reverend????

okay i don’t know if this’ll work because i’ve never used tumblr from my phone before but you know how david malki keeps posting fake books that he says i made when really HE’S the one with the dumb books??  well i went for a walk to clear my head about that and i’m by the library now and behind it there’s these big piles of garbage and look what i found!!

i didn’t even think libraries threw away books but I GUESS THEY MADE AN EXCEPTION??

haha i always knew dave malki loved him some grumpy cat but i had no idea how much!!

hold on there’s some more books, one sec

So I stopped by a garage sale on my way to an unrelated garage I’m interested in purchasing and picked up this book by David.  It’s the first fiction (??) I’ve read by him!

David, here is my review!

THE GOOD: 

  • I liked how you described your costume as “leaving nothing to the imagination, except perhaps how the faces I’d make would look as you slowly cut me out of it”
  • colophon was complete and well-detailed

THE BAD:

  • the way you kept saying “THIS IS REAL AND IS GOING TO HAPPEN!!” at least once per chapter
  • the way you wrote “(WOW!!)” after each one of your superhero feats as if you, the writer, were amazed by your own imagination?
  • the way you kept using “IRL” and how you kept writing “(that’s short for ‘in real life’)” afterwards every single time

THE WEIRD:

  • telling librarians where to file the book on the cover
  • the fact you made me your sidekick but kept describing me as “the handsome, more powerful one”??
  • ending seemed a bit forced

[BOOKWAR]

It’s been a while since I came across one of David’s books, but I’ve been busy!  So busy, in fact, that I thought a nice break would be to sit down at my local library and read some jokes,  But look what I found, (ironically??) placed in the humour section!!

Just a couple of things:

  •  It’s cool how you call out your competition, but calling people who use Rosetta Stone “Rosetta Stoners” was actually kinda mean
  •  I thought “laff” was just a “funny spelling”, but inside “laugh” is spelled variously as “laff”, “lauff”, “laaf”, “laaaf”, and “läf”
  • Cuneiform and Egyptian hieroglyphs evolved in different areas of the earth, at different times, and most likely evolved independently, so all that Egypt stuff on your cover is, like, wrong
  • holy crap, David, this is the fourth time you’ve done this??
  • finally, and perhaps most importantly, WRITING ENGLISH IN A CUNEIFORM FONT ON YOUR COMPUTER IS NOT WRITING IN CUNEIFORM.

Also, all these jokes seem to be plagiarized from old Reader’s Digest “Humor in Uniform” sections and OH WAIT NEVERMIND I GET IT

[BOOKWAR]

So I was sitting in my kitchen enjoying a carefully-curated selection of nuts (pictured) when what should slide across it but “Sex In Your Thirties”, what appears to be the latest in a series of books by David Malki about David Malki's sexual exploits!

As a man who is also in his 30s, I found this book really interesting and I’m glad David wrote it!  No lie.  I could’ve done with less of the full-colour glossy-printed nude selfies ON EVERY SINGLE PAGE (sometimes multiple times per page) (especially when David photoshopped a wholly-unnecessary two-page spread of a David-only orgy scene), but sex is something that’s important to many of us, and too often ignored, especially as we age.

Good work, David!!  PS It was brave of you to be so naked in front of so many people

[BOOKWAR]

I was poking around some boxes of my brother-in-law’s old stuff when I came across this INCREDIBLY AMAZING BOOK David wrote in… 1997, it looks like?  Star Trek TNG had been off the air for a few years, so the market would’ve been primed for a book about how to make your own episodes to fill the gap, including such tips as:

…set your alarm for when reruns air, and point your camcorder at the screen whenever the Enterprise D is in space.  You’ll be able to edit in any “establishing shot” you want, which will give your production an incredible air of authenticity!  Ensure that family members are quiet as you record to avoid accidental “voice overs”…

and

…try stopping the camera, then moving out of the frame, then starting the camera again.  You’ll appear to have been “beamed off” the planet instantly!  A simple line of dialogue explaining the “transporter upgrade” is all you need to make this effect both impressive and credible…

and in later chapters:

The character of Doctor Crusher is played by “Heavenly” Gates McFadden, whose phone number, I’m sad to report, remains stubbornly unlisted…

and

I don’t think Starfleet uniforms reveal enough skin

If you can find a copy, it’s worth a read!  It explains so much about David!

[BOOKWAR]

A lot of David’s “Wondermark” Malki’s books that I’ve come across have been embarrassing or mean to me forNO REASON but this is the first of his books that I’m actually REALLY into!  This is awesome!!

I’d never heard of Horsey Race 64 (there’s not even an entry for it on the Mario Wiki, which is NUTS) but check out these interview excerpts from David’s book:

Nintendo’s offices at that time were open, but everyone had their own cubicle.  People would move around, depending on what projects were being worked on.  Me and a few other developers had worked out this - demo, I guess you’d call it, where Mario was a horse, and Bowser was a horse, and everyone in the Mushroom Kingdom was a horse now too.  We saw it as a culmination of Miyamoto’s dream of Centaur Mario, which we’d been unable to realize for Mario 3…

…I’d implemented most of the gaits: walk, trot, canter, but gallop was giving me trouble to get it just right.  I’d called [Tom] over to help me get Mario’s trot just right when the higher-ups noticed a bunch of us crowded around my desk.  His scent was intoxicating…

…At first everyone was excited about this game that we were calling Okay, Wow, Mario’s A Horse Now.  We’d only implemented Horsio, Horsuigi, Horsecess Peach, and King HorseBowser, but we had a pet-and-groom mode for each that, years later, would be recycled for Nintendogs

…you could form this really meaningful relationship with our members of the Horseroom Kingdom: they’d remember who you were and how you’d treated them in the past.  You built up trust with them.  Several devs were caught staying late just to program in some extra treats for their favourite horses (and yes, I admit, I slipped Horsey Kong a few extra apples here and there)…

…we’d built a Grand Prix mode (named “Sheesh! Who’s The Fastest Horse??”) where you could walk, canter, or trot in a big circle, and it was about that time when the higher-ups started asking if we could strap motors to the horses to make them go faster, and maybe add wheels to them too.  I began to realize something had gone very, very wrong at Nintendo…

…”Excuse me, but I think you mean ‘It matters who has sex with WHOM’ if it causes office drama”, I said, but [Min] talked right over my correction, AGAIN…

…the bananas were the last vestige of our original design, left over from when they were character-specific treats for the noble Horsecess Peach. Nintendo wanted them cut, but Miyamoto said he’d quit then and there unless they were left in.  He loved his Horsecess, and even though all her data had been erased [on Black Thursday], he wanted her memory to survive.  He put his job on the line for her, for those big ol’ bananas she loved so much.  And those of us in “the stable” loved him for it…

I could type out the whole book here!  Super fascinating.  Thanks for the book, David!!

[BOOKWAR]

I haven’t been sleeping well recently, and I even went to a sleep study the other week to see if it might be related to a breathing problem, or a deviated septum, or stress, or what it might be. Anyway, the last week or so I’ve actually been doing much better, and last night I was pleased to get to bed at a decent hour and pass most – but not all – of the night uninterrupted.

MEANWHILE, Ryan North is up there in Toronto, blogging away, doing his open mics, recounting his many sordid adventures in a series of increasingly-implausibly-vulgar essays, and fousting his deranged worldview on legions of bro-tude fratholes. THANKS, RYAN. THANK YOU FROM ALL THE REST OF US IN THE WORLD. 

[ BOOKWAR ]

Some of you may know I did a Kickstarter recently! (Well, it started almost exactly a year ago, so kinda recently.) Getting our game made and shipped to the States and now, finally, shipped out to all the backers has been a very interesting challenge. (For example, I had to defeat a wizard.)

But now the games are here, and they’re shipping, and most of them have shipped, but it seems like finishing the last couple hundred nitpicky orders continually evades my grasp. I have entrusted the entire shipping task to a huge and powerful fulfillment company, but I am increasingly realizing that our small number of customized and special orders is as confounding to them as a stack of sheet music would be to a dog. 

We spent six hours in the warehouse today trying to identify unlabeled orders and match up custom contents and rectify stalled shipments and just generally solve problems, and I think it went pretty well. But when reaching into a box for some packing supplies, I came across the above book by Ryan North

…AND SUDDENLY THEIR ENTIRE WORKING PHILOSOPHY MADE SENSE.

"THANKS", "RYAN". Sheesh.

[ BOOKWAR ]

So last week David produced a photoshopped image of a book he claims I made which I will barely comment on except to say that the actual book I’ve written, referenced at the top his fake cover, is actually called “Pictures I Took Of Sleeping Strangers” not “Picures”. Geez, David.  You’re not even spell checking these forgeries now??

Anyway I was going to let sleeping dogs lie except that I have a standard order on Amazon Platinum Reserve for any book David produces, and this came in the mail today.  It’s his latest book.

David Malki is apparently planning a run for President (for the Republican party??) and also is apparently big into his own giant head.

I don’t even think his head is that big?

It’s like, average-sized

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