By Hugh Hefner
Hello general public. I’m Hugh Hefner, founder of the Playboy Empire. You may have heard that I got married again to the lovely Crystal Harris. Contrary to popular belief, it was only the third time that I’ve gotten married. Some people think it’s inappropriate because I’m 86 and she’s 26 but I say what’s six decades between soul mates? Oh what’s that? You don’t believe me that we’re soul mates? Well I’ll prove it!
Reason #1: She likes movies. I LIKE movies!
Reason #2: We’re both really big Los Angeles Dodger fans! Go Blue!
Reason #3: Even though my ball sack hangs down to my ankles, Crystal says she’s way into that. I know, I couldn’t believe it either!
Reason #4: She has a year of nursing school under her belt so she actually LIKES scrubbing off my dried skin flakes and assisting me with what I like to call my “whoops I totally crapped my pants” moments! I know… Uncanny!
And Reason #5: She has no discernible skills besides being incredibly beautiful. She’s both aware that her beauty will fade and lazy enough to take an incredible amount of money from me to be my wife instead of having to work hard for it like everyone else. When I meet a woman like that, you can bet damn sure I’m gonna call her Mrs. Hefner!
So that’s it! We’re totally soul mates and it’s not weird at all that I’m 86 and she’s 26. Oh and she has to do it with me 25 times before she gets paid. HOLLA!
-Transcribed by Bobjenz