As an INTJ, you’re a mastermind.
A criminal mastermind.
Unfortunately, you’re more of a puppet master than a DIY sort of guy, so you’re going to need a right-hand — someone else to do your dirty work and act as the face of the organization.
Your choice: an ISTP.
Why? As the most mysterious type, the ISTP has far more potential as a figure of respect. You’re betting on the ISTP coolness factor as a major component in minion retention. The ISTP poker face and generally calm demeanor will be a valuable asset in negotiations — you know they can hold their cool under pressure — and they trust no one. Furthermore, your motor skills are weak at best, and the boss figure really ought to be able to handle a weapon.
So, INTJ, how do you go about securing yourself a nice, enigmatic ISTP? Let’s get started.
Step #1: Hold Auditions
ISTPs are lone rangers, and not easily persuaded to consort with others. Luckily, you don’t need to find the ISTP; let the ISTP come to you.
“Lone Ranger Reboot: Open Auditions” — or so your flier will read.
Post these fliers strategically:
- Near the aluminium foil in the store
- Conspiracy Theor- I mean, Illuminati Awareness Groups’ Lodges
- Civil War Reenactments
Step #2: The Survey
One unfortunate aspect of your ruse is that despite your efforts to target ISTPs, some actual thespians are bound to walk through the door. How will you positively identify the ISTPs? How will you know which ISTP is right for you?
INTJ, you need to develop a questionnaire.
This manual cannot do all the work for you, as your needs will vary depending on the nature of your nefarious plot. One fortunate aspect of your ruse is that many of these questions will not seem out of place. Suggested questions include:
- Do you prefer a boss who clearly communicates your objectives?
- Are you comfortable adapting to new and possibly unforeseen… developments?
- Do you have any experience handling firearms?
- Are you trained in hand-to-hand combat?
- How do you feel about robots replacing human interaction in the workplace?
- Do you find this survey in any way suspicious?
Find the ISTP who constructs a hat out of aluminium foil in response to Question 6 and explain to them that such hats are not stylish.
Then hire them.
Step #3 Convince Your ISTP To Work For You
That ISTP mistrust is a double-edged sword: it will work both for you and against you. You hand-selected the most suspicious ISTP; now you have to convince them to work for you. As you negotiate the terms of your contract, you may have a similar exchange with the ISTP (complete with suggested responses):
ISTP: Why should I work with you?
INTJ: For me.
INTJ: Because most of your contact with me will be limited to Bluetooth and robots.
Note: You can work the minions into the deal later.
ISTP: How can I trust you?
INTJ: You can’t. Though, I tend to be loyal and currently have a use for you.
Did it work? Congratulations! You are now the proud
owner employer of an ISTP. Go build that diabolical empire, free to spend all of your time in the lab instead of recording your demands for billions of dollars from world governments. That’s what the ISTP is for. Do you think they’ll look good in a fedora?