Don’t tell me that we’ll get back together when we’re 25 or some bullshit. That is not what I need or want to hear. Actually, it is what I would want to hear but I do not want the idea of us to still be a possibility. “We" died a long time ago. Can we go back to that? Should we go back to it? I don’t think it is a good idea. We’re either going to be living in the pst or holding what we did while we weren’t together over each other’s heads. 

I don’t think I’m better than what I was, yet. 

We can always say that if we started again, we would be better but idk. I’m really skeptical because we tried and failed. What’s the point of going at it again?

Because you’re my long lost lover. You’re my classic. You’re my numero uno. Until I let go of you, I cannot love anyone else. At least not fully. 

I still love you. I think about it all the time. Especially in the shower when I wake up. I can’t even. Ugh. I don’t know. I just miss what we had and everything else. I need an anchor. I need something to stop me from floating into the abyss of these thoughts. You are not mine any more and I am not nor will I ever be yours again. I need to be okay with that. I need to not hope for things. I need to not miss you. 

Everyone else I have met suck compared to you. I don’t feel it like how I felt with you. I am not sure. I’m probably holding on to things that I need to let go of. I love Kalvin very much but there’s such a tiny spark. I feel like I’m not fully in it.

You probably have a girlfriend by now. I don’t want to ask so I’ll just assume so. We’re never gonna get back together ever.

I had a dream that I found you again pretty much. Like I came back into your life. Then I found out you had a new girlfriend and I woke up. In my dream, I took it really well though. I asked how you asked her and such. This dream reminds me that I am on a journey that you are no longer part of. I need to constantly be reminded of this fact. I need to believe that we are never getting back together, ever.

I long for you but I keep reminding myself that talking to you, letting you be in my world again would just ruin all the progress I have made. 

You cross my mind sometimes; just thought you should know. To me, it isn’t over. It doesn’t feel over. I don’t think it ever will. I know that our tether is severed but I still feel at just the thought of you.

I should rename this blog to therapy. 

Dear Brandon,

You are the person I think about when I walk around campus. I’m just looking for a glimpse of you because I want to see you again and the only reason I have is if I run into you on campus. The problem I have is that you’re not looking for me. /* You also have an internship and are also taking classes at Mt. SAC */  I just miss you and I want to talk to you. I miss your company. I miss you doing that one scarf trick. 

In a sea of people, your face is the one I look for. I miss what we had and I obviously have trouble letting go of everything dealing with that section of my past. I’ve tried very hard to see something else in you. I’ve asked my friends to keep me on this path but nothing helps. Nothing works. 

I should just hate you and I don’t. We are never getting back together and I need to accept that. However, I don’t think I ever will. It’s because I can’t accept happiness when it’s right in front of me.