Tomorrow would have been 5 months officially, 7 months unofficially. He was my first love. It makes me really sad but at the same time I’m glad it’s over. I love him a lot and I’ll always have a soft spot for him in my heart but he didn’t treat me the way I deserved to be treated. I don’t know that I can ever forgive him. I’ll miss his company but it’s for the better. My life is destroyed and I’m trying to pick up the pieces.
I have an appointment with the best counselor I know of, I’m surrounding myself with positivity, and I’m trying to focus on myself. I lost so much of myself in him.
I made a big step today by realizing what he’s doing to me and realizing how unfair it is. I had nothing but love to give, and he found me a very vulnerable, weak state where I craved acceptance and he thrived from that.
He lied to me and he used me so so so much. He found a way to manipulate me in every form and he still won’t admit it I’m sure. It was emotional and mental abuse. I even started doing it back by being passive aggressive as well. I hate that I did that but it was the only way I could fight back.
He had social anxiety and issues being around a lot of people, he had issues going and doing things with me that were fun or wild or that he wasn’t supposed to do (as in see me after curfew) yet he could go to a strip club on his best friends birthday with him. Where people are on you and ugh it makes me sick. That’s just an example of how he got away with shit.
He loved playing the victim, that’s how he got me to come back each and every time. He had me fooled, but not anymore. I am stronger because of this. I will find happiness one day. For now, I will turn my sadness into art and I will work on finding myself again.
I will not let this do anymore destruction to me. I will make it through, maybe with constant Xanax in my system and 5 counseling visits a week, starting back yoga classes, and hell of a lot of weed lol, but I can do this.
I am strong and I can do this. I will not give up, this is my vow to myself. I will find inner peace and happiness. I might love him, but I will not let someone who treated me like this have any control over me. Only time will heal.